So, here we are again, after a few rants and a lot more beer, trying to learn some of the basic things in life through the evergreen Dummy’s Guide. This time round, the scientists at the MirrorCracked Labs decided to be a bit more human and latched on to topics that are studied and researched the least around the world – breaking up, ditching and getting ditched. Not many people want to talk about it, but psychologically speaking, it’s a very easy thing to talk about, especially after a few rounds of vodka. Alcohol loosens tongues.
Anyway, the MirrorCracked Labs decided to publish their research here, after careful observations with spy cameras, hidden microphones and tapped telephones. For anyone who is in a relationship they don’t want to be in, this is a must read. Follow these techniques and you’ll be single again, that’s a guarantee. The Love Guru endorses these techniques, by the way, so no need to worry about the credibility of the claims.
It’s Not You, It’s Me…
Popularized by Seinfeld and immortalized by the Love Guru millions of times, the “It’s not you, it’s me” routine works wonders when dealing with stubborn partners. I know many of us would just wish that we could say the things we think about, on their faces, but unfortunately, that would get us killed. For instance, there was this girl who once accused me of ‘taking advantage’ of her when she was drunk, and I really wanted to say, “I wouldn’t take advantage of you even if you were not drunk, and even if I did, it would be a disadvantage, you paranoid bitch,” but I ended up saying, “Of course not, baby. You can trust me,” and we cuddled the whole night. I broke up with her the next evening using the “it’s not you, it’s me” routine.
This is what you need to do. Take your partner to a very nice restaurant and sit across the table and stare into your partner’s eyes and tell them, “Look, this really is not what I had in mind when I started seeing you. I am really crazy in my head and my notions of love and relationships are obsolete. You’re a great person and I am sure you deserve someone much better than me.”
Then your partner will look shocked, maybe shed a few tears and ask you, “Please don’t say such things.”
And you should say, “It’s not you, it’s me. It’s just me. I am not the right person for you. Let’s not argue further.” Hold your partner’s hands while saying the line, it adds to the effect. Trust me, this always works.
I Need A Break…
This technique is ideal for people below 25 years of age, and those who are not considering a commitment with your partner. More often than not, your partner will be seriously considering committing and would want to marry you or something. So, once you see the signs (excessive drooling around you, stupid look in the eyes, blindly agreeing to whatever you say, every conversation leading to marriage and future and babies), you should make sure that you break it off.
Take your partner to the place where you first went out for a date, or any other nice coffee shop would suffice. Tell your partner that you need a break and that you just want to be friends and that you have a career to think about at that moment in your life. Your partner will be confused and won’t understand what you’re hinting at. Then you should say, “I don’t want to date you anymore.”
If your partner still doesn’t get it, then you shouldn’t be with that person in the first place!
I’m Already Married…
If neither of the two routines are applicable to you, then the best and (sometimes) the safest way is to tell your partner that you’re already married. Choose a public place to tell them this, because there are chances that they might get violent. To be sure, call the cops beforehand.
The Other Routines…
Other guides would probably harp on other routines and the most popular one I found was to tell your partner that you’re gay. This is a big No-No! Do not tell your partner that you’re gay, because you have no idea what effect this will have on your image in the market. Your partner will stop at nothing to make the whole world know that you’re gay and that will seriously affect your chances of scoring with anyone else. Dialogues like, “Oh, you’re that homo, aren’t you?” and “Don’t I know you from somewhere? Oh yeah, I remember. I’m sorry, I don’t date homosexuals” become quite common and your life will be miserable.
If You Get Dumped…
…then, don’t worry. Just contact me and tell me your problems and why you were dumped and I will take up your case in the MirrorCracked Labs and figure out a way to make your life better.