The Dummy’s Guide To Pissing People Off!

piss_off_guide

Of course! It has to be true! Damn right! You need to piss people off all the time! It’s much like the song ‘Iris’ by Goo Goo Dolls, where he croons, “…yeah you bleed just to know you’re alive!” We need to irritate people around us all the time to feel alive. What’s the point of living if you don’t piss someone off? Huh? Tell me!

The scientists at the MirrorCracked Labs are quite busy these days with the grand opening just round the corner. (Oh, you have to watch the video if you haven’t already! It’s pretty neat! A lovely teaser for the MirrorCracked Labs’ grand opening!)  I use the term ‘grand opening’ quite a lot, don’t I?

Sorry, I digress. As I was saying, the scientists are quite busy plotting planning the grand opening, and have relegated this particular Dummy’s Guide to me and me alone. I hope I do justice.

Pissing people off – the heart and soul of our existence. We wouldn’t be here doing what we are doing if someone a hundred thousand years ago hadn’t pissed someone off and started a war. We wouldn’t be here if someone hadn’t pissed on someone else’s joy! You wouldn’t be reading this if someone hadn’t pissed me off and made me write this. So, you have to agree with me that it’s quite important to piss people off all the time. It’s our god-given right. It’s why we were given a voice. It’s why were given the ability to ridicule and irritate and point fingers and laugh. It’s our duty! :)

So, how do we do it? How do we achieve the perfect balance between pissing someone off and not getting slapped, shot, kicked in the nuts, stabbed in the back, kicked in the nuts, slapped, slapped, punched in the face, kicked in the nuts again or pushed off a cliff? It takes great care and patience to achieve this feat, and it’s not easy. You need to pay attention.

Pissing Men Off

arnold_angryQuite easy – take a dig at their manhood. Tell them they’re virgins and even if they are, they’ll vehemently deny it. Watching their face go from a normal beige to various shades of red, blue and orange is quite fun. Men are strange in this issue – I don’t know why but they always overplay their sexual exploits and this is the best way to piss a man off.

Of course, the only two other things that matter to a guy is either beer or sports. Ridicule his favorite beer and you might end up on the wrong end of a well-placed kick to the nuts. Ridicule the guy and call him a sissy for watching cricket or golf, and he’ll go stark raving mad.

I’ll let you in on a secret. If you know a guy who is straight and want to piss him off, accuse him of being gay. Oh, he’ll hate you for the rest of his life, and he’ll stay away from cosmetics and watch each of his words carefully whenever you’re around! :D

PS: I don’t want to dig my own grave in this postscript by saying something about homosexual tendencies that I’ll regret, so I’ll just construct a totally useless sentence.

Pissing Women Off

woman_attackGiven that sex, booze and sports are the only three things that can effectively piss a man off, you’ll find it hard to piss a woman off with these three topics. Women are usually very secure about their sexuality/sex lives and taking a dig at their alcoholic tastes will be like throwing grains of sand at a hurtling train hoping to derail it. And women and sports, well, let me not be a spoilsport, but you know how it goes. (My mom thought F1 cars were battery controlled toys and unmanned!)

So, how do we piss women off? Easy – take a dig at her age. It always works, no exceptions. Tell her, “Oh, you look so much younger in your photographs!” and she’ll hate you with a vehemence second only to a supernova.

Horizontal attacks are also effective. “You seem to have gained some weight,” “Is that an extra-large top?” and “How many months due are you?” are the three most effective way to piss a woman off about her weight. Never fails.

But I am duty bound to warn you – Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. Be careful.

Go ahead! Piss someone off today! Live a little! :)

Images Courtesy: Arnoldspeaks.com and Randommovieclub.blogspot.com

39 thoughts on “The Dummy’s Guide To Pissing People Off!

  1. Oh m a pro at pissing ppl off.. been my forte since as far as I can remember… Although I never used any of your pointers except the gay one… and as for what all I do to piss people off… well its a closely guarded trade secret.. :P

    I’l let u in on it someday… hopefully…. :D

  2. Hey Nikhil @Pissing Women(Specially Girlfriend) Off, I know this will get me in trouble but here we go “When they ask you to talk or for advice, just tell them the truth” He he he :D

  3. …aah it’s generaly the other way round for me…
    I get pissed off pretty easily, so am an easy bait…
    …and rarely I am able to piss people off, or so do I think, never had the opportunity to get feedback on questions like:
    “Did I piss you off?” ;)

  4. ha ha ha

    I piss of my female colleagues with “I went to shopping yesterday and you won’t believe what lovely suit I picked up at such a good bargain :-D”

    Cool post :-)

  5. ROTFL…

    Piss a man off — hide the TV remote
    Piss a woman off — look at other women when together

    heck this could turn into a great wiki article if you get contributions on this…

  6. why do i feel that you have gay tendencies in you :roll:

    sheeeesh dont meet me when ur here…! but on an afterthought i will be *safe* ;)

    hee hee hee…!

  7. Now who pissed you off? other than those who commented before me ;)
    I have used the are you gay? question to piss someone off since everything else in that category would not have worked for that particular person (he is as clueless as your mum about sports!)

    Dummy’s guide after quite a while…good one :)

  8. LOL Or tell women you think actually Sanjay Dutt is right when he says women must show respect to their husbands by adopting their name/surname.

    Do that and you’ll never fail … but don’t say you weren’t warned.

  9. All those pissing off techniques meant for men??…they arent applicable to me !!! God, Im scared now !!!!!!

    To piss off a woman – appreciate other women she knows :D

  10. Hahahah……Gud 1 4 guys….I’ve tried d gay 1….Pisses a guy n makes him so obnoxious…….Nd guess wat…….d women part…..m 2 gud @ doin dat….

  11. @Hope
    Always! :)

    @Chirag
    HEhehehehe!!! You speak the truth, my friend! :D

    @Chiranjib
    LOL… You need to learn, dude… Go try these tips somewhere! :D

    @Manushi
    See? It works! I’m pissed off already! :D

    @Reema
    Hmmm… I have to come up with a better response to that comment! :D

    @Vishesh
    Grr..!! :D

    @Pi
    Welcome to MirrorCracked! :D
    Yeah, delightful evil is my speciality! :D

    @Smita
    LOL… yeah! Sales and bargains are a good alternative! :D

    @Lifeofhues
    Oh totally wiki-worthy this is!! :D

    @Alice
    Grrr…. I’m not GAY..!! You want me to prove it to you!?? ;)

    @Apar
    Hehehe!! Some jerks not worth mentioning! :D
    Thanks, it’s been a while, yeah! :D

    @Che
    Sarcasm works only if the person gets it! ;)

    @La Vida Loca
    Hahaha!! No, i’m not that mean as to use your advice on you! Thanks, though… I’m gonna try it! :D

    @IHM
    Hahahahaha!!! Thanks for the warning! :D

    @Vimal
    It works for everyone, dude… And yes, you have every right to be scared! :D

    @Amreekandesi
    LOL… Yeah! :D

    @Quirky
    Hehe! go forth, shishya… May the force be with you! :D

    @Valerine
    Took me an hour to figure out your comment!! :D
    Hehe! :D

  12. @Solilo
    Hmmm… Politicians are quite easy to piss off – write slanderous articles on your blog and propagate that blog to every journalist you know! :D

    @Ajit
    Welcome to MirrorCracked! :D

    @Chakoli
    Hehehe! I am adept at pissing people off! :D

  13. Brilliant Post … LOL! Very true for Men and Women. and Yes, I have never understood the game of Golf, I mean you hit the ball walk several 1000 miles and hit it again! As for Women, you can also compare with another. Hey your Mom looks like your sister, she is very young. You score the mom and you piss off the girl. You can also try pissing off by pissing on the walls like how some morons in India do it in the streets.

  14. HI nikhil, how r you? sorry for missing ur posts. i am glad to see that the mirrorcracked labs still doing some nice surveys that benefits everybody ;-) pissing off somebody is a routine thing for me and who is that good soul pissed you off….

  15. @Aaarti
    LOL… Give me your best shot! :P

    @Dinesh
    Hahahaha!! Yeah!! Serious loo issues in this country! :D

    @Me
    Welcome to MirrorCracked! :D
    And yeah, join the club! :D

    @Kanagu
    I’m good, dude! Welcome back! :)
    MC Labs can never die! :D

  16. ha ha … sure would try to piss off few of my friends … am in real need of it … ;) ….. you know what , our college administrator have censored few word so that we , the studious lot can’t access anything related to our studies (say porn , orkut , proxy site ) lol … and asshole seems to be one such keyword :( …. so the server is not allowing me to open the next post of yours … grrrrr…. :x

  17. What are your favoritte films?

    My list is here:
    TOM SHOW, THE, 1997
    GARFIELD & FRIENDS #103, 1993
    Courting Justice, 1995 Canadian
    RIVER, THE, 1984
    PAY IT FORWARD, 2000
    NAKED GUN FROM THE FILES OF POLICE, 1988
    SIEGE AT MALTA,
    PRIZZI’S HONOR, 1985
    MURDER, SHE WROTE, 1988-1989
    GET CHRISTIE LOVE, 1974-1975

    You may find all of it on imdb

  18. To piss people off simply state your opinion and wait. Be blunt and honest and well people hate that they would rather listen to fake ass people because when shit gets real people cant handle that.

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