Hiatus

Someone very close to my heart passed away two days back, and as a result, I am forced to impose a two-day hiatus on my online activities. I’d probably traveling up north, to take care of the family and do the needful. I sincerely apologize to all for not replying to your comments yesterday, as I was (and to an extent, still am) in a state of shock. People with so much life in them are cruelly snatched away by the hands of death, in the most unexpected of ways, making me wonder about the fragility of it all.

Thanks for all your support. I will be back in a day or two and I will continue to write with the sole purpose of bringing a smile, a laugh and the occasional giggle in your lives.

Cheers! 🙂

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Objectum Sexuality!

I was browsing through the morning papers today, when Manju “Mango” Panicker pointed out something interesting to me. Please tell me why we live in such a fucked up world! Have a look at this! 😀

The first thing that went through my head when I read this was, “Ok, this is a joke, right?” Then, as I re-read it, I realized that it’s not a joke!  The woman is actually married to the goddamn Berlin Wall!!! 😀

So, when Regan brought down the wall, he killed her husband! Her husband divided a country! Her kids are probably going to be cute, little bricks! I wonder how they consummate their relationship every night! I started thinking if I ever had this sort of disease. I once found a pair of sneakers “sexy” and bought them. I once found a sexy shirt. Thats about it! But I have not married anyone or anything to date! This woman finds “slim things with horizontal lines” very sexy apparently! I have a striped shirt, maybe she’ll be interested!! 😀

Either that woman was too drunk to realize that she was marrying a frikking wall, or she really really needs a hard hit on the head! God save the world!! How come idiots like these get publicity, when decent, hard-working people like me (ahem!) don’t even get mentioned in the papers? Why is the world so twisted!? 😀

The newspaper that carried this article was Mid Day, a stupid tabloid that is hailed as the “future of reporting”! Yeah, right! Objectum Sexuality, it seems! Oh God! And I thought I was mad! 😀

Have You Seen This Girl??

Ok people! Help needed!! Look at the above photo carefully! Have you seen this girl anywhere? Do you know anyone who might have seen this girl anywhere? Ok, before you panic, I’ll tell you why I need to know.

This past Friday, May 23rd, 2008, there was an office party, and all 30 of us had gone to this pub called Stones to get sloshed. Since a colleague of mine called Mitesh was paying, I decided to bleed him dry and get royally drunk! 😀

Stones serves only beer, and so, I knew that to get drunk, I had to drink like a mad man! After 15 mugs of beer, I felt a calm, comfortable numbness creep over me, and I started smiling broadly and talking loud nonsense. People next to me wanted to have a bit of fun at my expense and challenged me to to chat up three pretty girls sitting at the next table. My beer-induced bravery reigned over common sense and I walked up to those three girls and offered them a round of drinks and invited them to join our party. They very politely declined, and after a few more unsuccessful attempts on my part, I gave up and walked back to my seat amidst boos from the challengers.

Now, ten minutes later, the waiter plonked a mug of beer in front of me and said that it was from the girls from the next table!!! 😀

I was taken aback, and a little flustered and to a greater extent, flattered. i walked over to the girls and said, “This is the sweetest beer I’ve tasted all night! Thanks!”

They said that they were returning the favor for my offer. So, in return, I found out what their favorite artist was. It was Doors, so I walked over to the DJ  and forced him to play a Doors’ song. The pretty girls left after the song, and I frankly forgot all about this incident as I somehow managed to get back home late at night and sleep till almost noon the next day.

Slowly and steadily, as I remembered the events, I have become more and more determined to find out who the three pretty girls are. Among all the photos that we took that night, in one corner of one frame, I found one of the pretty girls. The picture above is her! 😀

So, please pass this post on to everyone you know and let me know if you have any idea who this girl is! I vaguely remember telling them that I blog at MirrorCracked, and if any of the three pretty girls are reading this, I want to thank you in person!! I am a decent guy, don’t worry! 😀

Venue: Stones, Bangalore, India.

Time: Friday, after 8.30 pm, May 23, 2008.

Please let me know!!! Oh, I looked like this that night, by the way! 😀

Cash Back! :)

There’s one in every family!

I’m sure most of you have had this experience before. There’s this freaky guy whom I have had the misfortune of having a friendship with. According to him, we’re the “best-est of friends” and according to me, he’s an unwanted piece of garbage who just doesn’t know when he’s not needed and just doesn’t understand the fact that he’s a burden on this earth! I pity him. If you look at his face, the word “dumb” pops in your mind. His body fat is unevenly distributed, his eyes are lop-sided, his brain is in the wrong place, and he would be automatically entered into the mentally-challenged Olympics if he went anywhere near the venue! If he wasn’t dropped on his head as a child, I seriously wonder what sort of parenting he had to go through to turn out as he has.

I may be a bit too harsh on him, but that’s the way he is. I can’t help it. Would you believe that I’m actually down-playing this mentally-challenged embarrassment to nature who thinks I am his friend? 😀

Anyway, I had lent this guy two hundred bucks, a small amount considering the amount of money I make. This was over a month ago. He promptly forgot about it until I gently reminded him that he owes me. He immediately made out a check (cheque?) for two hundred bucks and gave it to me. Now, this was the first time I was handling a check for so less an amount and I was like, “Dude, it’s just two hundred! You can give me the cash when you have it. No hurry!”

So, he said, “No man, take it. I don’t want to keep you waiting!” I was surprised but hey, money’s money. So, I took the check and deposited it in my bank the next day. A week later, the check bounced! 😀

The bank charged me an extra penalty of 25 bucks for the bad check and I was mad with rage. I called up the dumb freak and said that his check had bounced and that he now owes me 225 bucks, for which he asked me, “What do you mean the check bounced?”

“There was no money in your account, you moron! The check bounced!” I said.

“Oh, ok,” he said and told me to come near some godforsaken building on some highway to collect the money.  I was a bit scared and was wondering if he was going to kill me in that secluded place and make it look like an accident or something. I had no idea how his under-developed mind worked. He finally showed up after making me wait an hour and handed the money over to me. I asked him why he called me so far away from civilization. Instead of replying, he put his hand inside his pocket and the gesture made me freak out. I was about to shout bloody murder, when he took out a cigarette and said, “For smoking, man! My folks don’t know I smoke so I come here often to smoke.”

I smoked one cigarette with the demented freak and went home, where my mom told me that she had gone to some wedding that day and that the demented guy’s family is related to us in some far far distant way! 😀

As I said, there’s one in every family, where the process of evolution stops for good!! 😀

The Funny Guy! :)

I have recently been awarded the dubious distinction of being Mr. Funny Guy by my friends. I should be honored, and to an extent, I am. How this title came about and why I am not really satisfied with it will be apparent after you read this whole post. 🙂

It was a dark and gloomy Wednesday evening, around six, when I decided to wrap things up in the office and go all the way to Yelahanka, where my brother was waiting in the police station after his bike had been towed away. I had to go there and pay the fine of 600 bucks to bail the bike out. When I left, the rain had just about abated and I made quick time in traveling the 30-odd miles to Yelahanka. We both got drenched on the way back, but that seems to be a minor point of little or no interest to the readers, who’re probably well accustomed to my bouts of bad luck. I met a few friends for dinner that night and decided to liven up the night with a joke.

“Okay, people! I am going to tell you a joke!” I announced. Everyone fell silent and listened intently, being aware of my reputation for spinning a lovely yarn. I was actually trying to impress my friend’s cute cousin who’d joined us. She was sitting next to me and seemed to be hanging on my every word. I desperately wanted to impress her and make her smile. So, I dug into my vast database of corny jokes and pulled out the best one!:D

“There was this scientist,” I began, “and he had just invented a biologically-engineered refrigerator. The fridge was so cool (no puns intended!) that it could order groceries online and make instant breakfast. It ran on some pretty cool DNA-computing circuits and was state-of-the-art! It was more intelligent than the most intelligent computers of the day. So, this scientist was selected for the Nobel Prize that year.”

I looked at the cute girl, paused for effect, and smiled. Everyone on the table was gripped. “The Nobel Committee waned him to fly over to Stockholm and demonstrate his bio-engineered refrigerator. So, this scientist rented a single engine Cessna plane and started his journey. Halfway through the flight, the single engine died and the plane began to crash. The pilot screamed, “Hey scientist! We are too heavy and the plane can’t handle it! You have to throw your fridge out!”

“No way!” screamed the scientist. “I have given my whole life for this invention!”

“Look, fella! If we don’t throw it overboard, we’re all going to die. It’s too heavy. You have your research data with you anyway. It’s just a question of assembling it again. Please understand!”

“So, this scientist, after careful deliberation, opened the door with a heavy heart and threw the fridge out.”

I stopped talking and took a sip of water and leaned back with a smile. Everyone on the table were leaning forward, intently waiting. “Then what happened?” asked the cute girl next to me.

“Nothing,” I said. “That’s the end of the story. ”

When they all realized that I had conned them, it was too late. The expression on their faces was a million dollar one. I started laughing out so loud that I drowned their angry retorts and groans and the hotel manager came up, glared at me and said, “Sir, please don’t laugh so loud. You’re disturbing the other guests!”

I continued laughing in a whisper and the other people around the table were ready to drown me in my tomato soup. “Okay guys, I am sorry,” I said. “I’ll make it up to you. I’ll tell you a better joke this time and I swear on the graves of all the men, women and children who died building this hotel that you will not be disappointed.”

My reputation as a funny guy preceded me and they all agreed to give me one more chance. “Last chance,” said the cute girl next to me. “I’ll slap you if you do this again.”

I wanted to tell her that I would do anything to get her to slap me because that would mean she would have to touch me. Oh, she was so cute!! 😀

“Okay, get ready,” I announced and cleared my throat. “There’s this beautiful lake in the middle of nowhere and in the center of the lake is a small islet on which the most beautiful flower is growing. The lake is infested with crocodiles and sharks and piranhas and just about any man-eating critter nature has created. On the banks of the lake, a man and a woman are sitting, cuddled up. They are very much in love with each other. The woman asks the man to swim across and get that flower for her. He protests and says that he’s going to killed trying to cross the lake. “Is this how much you love me?” asks the girl, very depressed. So, the man takes offense and says, “If you want me to prove my love to you, then I will cheat death and get you the flower.” He strips down and starts swimming. He battles all the critters that come in his way and finally reaches the middle of the lake, plucks the flower and swims back, again battling nature’s fury. He reaches the shore and climbs out holding the flower. And then, right in front of the woman’s eyes, he dies!”

I paused for effect. “Why did he die?” I asked, looking around at everyone.

They were all listening to my story so intently that one of them immediately said, “The flower was poisonous”

“No,” I said.

“Something attacked him!”

“No”

“He had a heart attack?”

“No”

The cute girl then said, “Tell me, tell me! Please!”

I couldn’t ignore her cries. Oh, and her voice was so sweet. So, I told them the answer – “The fridge fell on him!”

For two minutes there was complete silence and I inched closer to the cute girl and turned my head at an angle so that she could get a good whack at my cheek. But to my surprise, she burst out laughing and so did the others. They liked the stupid joke! I was so annoyed!

So, that’s how I got the title and that’s why I am not too excited about it! She didn’t slap me! Now, I don’t know when I am going to see her next. Damn! 😦

Aaargh!!

The past 48 hours have been terrible, to say the least! I am so frikkin frustrated! I am going to take it all out here, venting the steam, ranting and raving about the little injustices of life and the fact that a simple moment of calm can be so elusive! Aaargh! I am so full of shit ..er… er… I mean, I am so full of anger!

Monday started as usual, with the blues and my suicidal mood. I woke up groggily at around 8, reluctantly took a shower, which, unfortunately, woke me up, thus ruining my mood further. I snapped at everyone in the office and was in a lousy mood for most of the day. A long day in the office and at nine in the night, when I reached home, I was in a worst mood of my life. I attributed it to my weekend exploits and the consequent hangover! 😀

Tuesday was slightly better to start off, and got worse as the day wore on. A long, long drive to meet a client, who lived on another planet for all the trouble, and then the drive back in bumper-to-bumper traffic on a stifling, hot day ensured that my mood would be no better than the previous day.

I started pulling my hair out at around 2 in the afternoon, when for the tenth time, the power failed and the computers shut down in the office. At 2.30, when I had around twenty strands of hair on my head, my computer crashed: “Boot Sector Fail” screamed the monitor at me and shut itself down, never to boot again. In my head, I smashed the screen of the computer, smashed the whole computer into tiny pieces, set fire to it and danced around the make-shift bonfire butt naked, singing a native African tribal war song, and then pee’d on the fire. But in reality, I just sat there in front of the computer with a strange smile on my face and humming the African war song softly. My colleagues thought I was nuts. 😀

Then, when I went to smoke, I realized I didn’t have any matches. I walked across the street to buy a box of matches, only to realize that I had left my wallet back at my workplace. I mooched a light of some other loser who was smoking nearby, and went back to the office, and realized that the power had failed again and the AC was not working. I caught a glance of myself in the mirror and the hair on my head looked so promising and pull-able. My fingers itched! 😀

When I finally gave up and left for the day, my long drive back home became longer because the battery in my phone died and I had no music to listen to. The one hour drive from my office to my house became unbearable as the traffic was unnaturally pathetic. Oh, that’s not the end of it. If the day had ended thus, I’d have been happier! I was twenty minutes from my home when the skies opened up with all their fury and drenched me to the bone. The only thing I really hate about riding a bike in heavy rains is the small, irritating puddle of water that accumulates in my underwear, making my squirm in anger! Aaargh!!

I slept as soon as my head hit the pillow and woke up at 4 in the morning today. Great! Add insomnia to the list of disasters! My life sucks, doesn’t it! 😀

A German Tag!

I am not a German. I do not speak German. I don’t understand a word of German. However, Sandeep tagged me and here I am, dabbling in the nuances of German language, courtesy Google Language Tools! Here goes:
Hey everyone!
Ich war Tagged by Sandeep etwas zu schreiben, in irgendeiner anderen Sprache als Englisch! Ich habe mich für Deutsch, denn nach meinem Geschmack, es ist der am meisten sexy seconf Sprache in der Welt nach Französisch, und seit meiner Tagger hat bereits verwendet Französisch, ich bin gezwungen, dies zu tun-Tag in Deutsch. 🙂
Dies ist die am ursprünglichen Tag habe ich bisher getan, und ich brauche Menschen zu tun, diesen Tag mit dem gleichen Originalität. Nutzen Sie die Google-Tools, die Sprache zu entschlüsseln diesen Tag, und do it! Aus politischen Gründen habe ich mich für den Tag, jeder liest diesen Eintrag! Fühlen Sie sich frei, dies zu tun-Tag (in der Tat, ich bin Kraft-Tagging Sie!) Und mein post im Tag! Danke! Cheers everyone! 😀
I repeat myself in English – I am force-tagging everyone who reads this! Enjaay… 😀