Apparently…

Opinions

The twenty-five things that people have found very apparent about me… Some opinions are strange, some border on paranormal and others are totally true. The results of an opinion poll I conducted over the past 24 years are here below. Apparently:

  1. I am dumb.
  2. I am Nature’s biggest mistake.
  3. I am the worst driver in the world.
  4. ! need to exercise a lot and build up this old, worn out body again.
  5. I was a serial killer in my previous birth.
  6. I need to be institutionalized.
  7. I am a good orator.
  8. I am hopeless.
  9. I am not the only one who can whistle without moving my lips.
  10. I need to get a life.
  11. I need to reduce my guzzling, smoking and partying.
  12. I need to find newer pick-up lines.
  13. I flirt a lot.
  14. I gather a lot of nonsense in my head.
  15. I am good at what I do.
  16. I write well.
  17. I sing well.
  18. I am slow in messaging.
  19. I don’t have any self-respect.
  20. I am shameless.
  21. I don’t deserve the good things in life.
  22. I am always shabbily dressed.
  23. I am a dog’s best friend.
  24. I taste good.
  25. I am a teddy bear, who gives really warm and fuzzy hugs.

The list was about 51 opinions long, but I edited them and chose only the ones I thought were worthy enough to be published. In any case, the above opinions were collated from a wide variety of people from all walks of life, purely for statistical purposes. The analysis of the opinions revealed that 40% of the people whom I talked to wanted to kill me and the other 60% were waking up from deep sleep and didn’t know what they were talking about. πŸ˜€

Image Courtesy: http://www.barktrio.com

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The Pursuit Of Music!

There are a lot of things in life that are worth smiling for. Most of them reside in us, and a few of them are out in the open, waiting to be chanced upon. The only difference between people who find these gems and the ones who don’t is something absurdly unfathomable – a pair of Motorola earphones!

I bought a pair of brand new earphones yesterday, seeing that my old ones were gutted, with their innards showing! I paid 300 bucks for this new pair and very excitedly, I plugged it in to my phone and clicked the radio button. I was grinning like a fool from ear to ear as i crouched in the corner of the room, clutching the phone like a hungry man holds a bit of food that he has found after a long, long time. I clicked the radio button, salivating at the thoughts of mind-numbing music… I clicked the radio button…

Nothing happened…

There was no sound, no music, no static, nothing… I screamed out in rage and tried to maul the earphones, when there was a faint noise in my ear. I stopped and investigated it. At one particular angle of the earphone, the music clarity was perfect, better than any I had ever heard. But only at that angle! Even if I moved a millimeter this way or that, I lost the sound and I could hear perfect radio silence! πŸ˜€

Lazy ass bugger that I am, I had no intention of walking all the way across the street to replace the pair of earphones. I went to work the next day, driving my bike and the new pair of earphones plugged in, and all the way, people on the road gave me strange stares. I thought it was probably because of my handsome good looks, but soon realized it wasn’t. It was probably because I had one leg up on the front fender of the bike and the other balanced precariously on the brakes. The phone was nestled in my left trouser pocket and I had to put my left foot up on the fender to achieve the “optimum angle” for the earphones to work.

Every time I put my foot down to change gears, I lose the music. πŸ˜€

Now, I have severe cramps in my thigh…

I still persist with these crappy earphones because I heard the sweetest voice in the whole wide world through these earphones, the voice of that lovely, charming angel who called me when I was busy searching for a couple of my lost documents and pulling my hair out and promptly brought a smile on my face. πŸ™‚

Skeletons In My Closet!

CartoonStock.comI will risk being ridiculed as a clichΓ© when I write this post, but I have to get my fingers moving over the keyboard. I am suffering from a serious bout of writers’ block nowadays. I can’t seem to convince myself that I must write to keep my mind spiraling down into an abyss of mundane work. I’ve been putting in twelve hours of work everyday now, for the past few weeks, and that has taken a toll on my writing. I have been accused of neglecting my blog, neglecting all the beautiful people on my Gtalk list, and not giving enough time to myself.

So, I decided yesterday (while I was in the middle of a beautiful dream) that the best way to get over this block is to start by revealing ten deep, dark secrets about myself – the skeletons in my closet – for the whole world to see and judge and hopefully, have mercy on my poor soul and forgive me for all my cupidity. Er.. I mean, stupidity! πŸ˜€

1. Stuffed penguins freak me out! (As a kid, I used to watch Pingu and cry, and almost killed a friend of mine for forcing me to watch Happy Feet!)

2. I am homophobic – I don’t like the concept of homosexuality! (No offense to anyone, it’s just my personal belief that nature did not intend that to happen!) πŸ˜€

3. I like it when people scream at me. It’s probably not subtle masochism but the fulfillment of an innermost desire to annoy others! πŸ˜€

4. I am in love…

5. I like playing chess with people online, because that way, I can cheat by using Shredder Chess! πŸ˜€

6. I once burned my dad’s feet with a hot serving spoon intentionally, when I was six years old, because he refused to buy me chocolates! πŸ˜€

7. I think I’m from another planet, but I’m not sure of the facts…

8. When I’m alone, I fart loudly and smile to myself! πŸ˜€ (I will vehemently deny this fact in court, if it comes to that!!)

9. Till very recently, I did not know the difference between the kind of work a Prime Minister does and the kind of work a Mayor does! (Thanks for the enlightenment, Shefaly!)

10. I don’t bathe on weekends! πŸ˜€

Phew.. Took me half an hour but I did it! I wrote something! Yay! πŸ˜€

P.S. This was also a tag by Vishesh. I’ve got a couple of other left in my drafts, which I’ll be posting soon.

P.P.S. Ms. Charming Girl, you were exactly as I had imagined you would be. Thanks for meeting me last night…

(Photo Courtesy: CartoonStock.com)

Vagaries of Love :)

Is it possible for someone to fall in love without actually having seen the other person, or even spoken to the person? A few days ago, I would have said no, until I found myself in a situation where every instance of my daily life involved wondering about that elusive girl, that faceless angel who haunts my dreams and realities, the girl who is unlike any other I have known, maybe because I don’t know her and yet I can’t help but feel that I’ve known her all my life. πŸ™‚

Let me be the first to confess that I’m a workaholic for five days in a week with little or no social life on these days. Weekends for me are meant to unwind, to let myself go berserk and loosen the hold I have put on myself during the week. Lately, all I’ve been doing on weekends is sitting in front of an open Gtalk window, waiting for that special girl to come online. I know, I’m a little mad at times.

Women have this special power over men – I’ve experienced this a lot many times before – and that is the power to make men their slaves. I don’t know if I’m the only guy who’s ever experienced this strange, but beautiful phenomenon, but I found myself being drawn into a web of words, emotions and feelings while saying a simple “Hi” or a “Hello” with this girl. Ah, well… Wherever you are, I hope you remember chatting online with this hopeless romantic. πŸ™‚

I am forced to eat my words against Cupid. That senseless idiot has struck me again! I wonder where he was hiding. I had been very careful to avoid getting caught in his line of fire and I almost thought that I was immune to his arrows. But alas, he has proved to be a bit more powerful than me. πŸ™‚

Ms. Charming Girl, if you’re reading this, please don’t be alarmed. I am not a maniac and I am not a stalker, and I will not dwell on your unattainability. I can accept the fact that the best things in life are the hardest to come by and most of them are already taken. I was perhaps a bit slow to arrive at the scene. This post is just a small dedication to you and your charming wit – I love the way your alphabets and words make perfect sense to me… πŸ˜‰

This is perhaps the next best thing to writing a love note in a piece of parchment and rolling it up in an airtight bottle, corking the top and throwing it in the sea, because at least this way, you can have a chance to know what I feel like. Thanks for giving me your phone number when I asked you for it in my dream. Your voice sounded very sweet indeed! πŸ™‚

The Day I Almost Died…

Well, not exactly. But I came dangerously close to losing my life. πŸ˜€

I live a dangerous life. My job takes me all the remote corners of the city and more often that not, I end up rubbing the wrong people the wrong way. No, I don’t give back rubs for a living, but something close. Whenever I fail to make my clients look like God’s gifts to mankind, and end up looking bad in public, they scream bloody murder and run behind me with guns, knifes and swords, baying for my blood. A few days ago, I almost regretted being in this business. πŸ˜€

Everyone would probably agree that the word “jobs” does not mean “people”, literally speaking. This schism between the two words is enhanced if they are used in a sentence like this: “We’re offering jobs…” and “We’re offering people…” πŸ˜€

Journalism is losing its charm in this country and when this happens, the quality of people entering the field drastically comes down. Exceptions aside, all the new kids in journalism are very green, with loads to learn, starting with the difference in meaning between the two sentences above! When a multinational company’s CEO is quoted as saying, “We’re offering people…” I tend to get a bit nervous and fear for my life. The moment I read this quote in the paper that morning, I gulped and crouched under the table, and sure enough, ten minutes later, the hits started pouring in. πŸ˜€

“Whom do we offer PEOPLE to??”
“We offer PEOPLE??”
“What sort of a joke is this??”
“Where do you stay??”

and so on…

The CEO wanted me killed. The mafia had a gleam in their eye, wondering about who it was that encroached on their human trafficking business. The MD of the company wanted me killed. My friend, whom I was doing a favor by promising him a quote by the CEO of the company (it was technically his client) wanted me killed, fired and then shot. The bloody journalist was “not reachable” on his phone. πŸ˜€

This is the last time, I thought to myself, that I help out people outside my clientΓ¨le. I’ll stick to my own circle and face the music on my own, with the number of people baying for my blood reduced by half, well under the panic limit. πŸ˜€

Crap@Crap.com

Look into your spam queue and chances are that you’ll find some totally hilarious comment by some hilarious nutcase waiting to get approved! This morning, when I peeped into the Akismet spam inbox, this is what I found:

Crap@Crap.com?? Hmmm… Sounds like a serious case of loose bowels to me! πŸ˜€ Maybe this could be a meme! Cool, I shall start my own meme now!

Pick out the most hilarious comment in your spam queue, take a screen shot of it and post it! πŸ˜€

I shall tag Shefaly (returning the favor), Scorpria, Priya, Rekha and Maria Christina(been a while since I tagged you) ! Spam away! πŸ˜€

P.S. Xylene, is this your handiwork?? πŸ˜€

Blog Talk, Again! :)

Deja vu, all over again…

Bangalore Mirror picked up my blog again and featured it on Blog Talk – A Geeky Peek Into Bangalore! πŸ˜€

I got to thank Balu for this honor. He called my post a ‘kidilan’ one. I didn’t know what this meant. He said it’s a Malayalam word. I took the help of a few Mallus in office to find out what it meant. It meant “awesome” it seems. I am so humbled. πŸ˜€

I am getting so far behind in my memes. Poonam had tagged me for an expansionist meme, which is still in my drafts, waiting to be published. I shall do it soon, hopefully.

Something interesting happened yesterday, which is probably worth mentioning here. I was dropping off a couple of journalists in the cab, back to their office and we were stuck in heavy traffic. We were near the old airport and there’s a small circular slab of stone which passes off as a podium for a traffic cop to control the burgeoning traffic. There, in the middle of the day, in front of all, lay sprawled a drunkard, passed out on the slab of stone, his legs and hands dangling below him in a grotesque symbol of the city’s low life. But what was more interesting than this scene from Dante’s Inferno was the cute little puppy that was napping peacefully beside him! πŸ˜€