The Dummy’s Guide To Destroying Your Computer

Ah, so you somehow reached this page. Are you frustrated with your computer? Are you tired of waiting and waiting and waiting for Windows to boot? Are you going bald due to excessive hair-pulling? Do you want to kill your computer? If the answer to any of these questions is either “Yes” or “No” then you’re at the right place! This is my comprehensive guide to destroying your desktop/laptop computer without leaving any trace. It’s about time we hit back.

The Hard-where Kill

This is a technique that I have perfected over a period of time, and is perhaps the most effective way to destroy a computer. It involves speed, skill and timing, and should be practiced on a watermelon to assess yourself (avoid pumpkins; they’re a clichΓ©). Contrary to a popular fairy tale that says the motherboard is the heart of the computer, I have recently made the startling discovery that computers are, in fact, heartless. This explains their lack of emotion, their oblivious indifference to our pleas of help and their disgusting attitude of throwing up sparks after a wet, sloppy kiss.

So, it’s wrong to assume that killing the motherboard will effectively kill your computer. You have to be more thorough.

Before And After
The Hard-where Kill: Before And After

Stand at a height of exactly 14 feet off the ground, hold a watermelon in your hands and extend your hands in front of you to the maximum. Close your eyes, let go of the fruit and quickly turn back to avoid the blood splatter – all in one motion. This requires a lot of practice, and it’s useful to have at least three melons handy. Once you’re sure that you’ve got the technique perfected, go unhook the computer’s monitor and imagine that it’s the watermelon. It makes for great reality TV too, so be sure to call AXN or any of those other cheap-thrill TV channels to capture the shards of glass and innards of the monitor flying in all direction.

Once the monitor is dead, pick up the motherboard and dump it in your water tank. A clean kill.

Serves them right, the idiot boxes!

The Soft-snare Kill

This is a more delicate and time-consuming process that requires a lot of patience. Install Windows Vista and wait.

Windows Vista is an operating system that works on the principle of camouflage and deception. Appearances can be so deceptive – it will make the computer feel all warm and cozy and important, but it’ll kill your system from the inside completely and comprehensively over time. All you have to do is wait and smile an evil smile, showing the same amount of sadism and indifference that the computer had once shown you.

Serves them right, the bastards!

The Why-rus Kill

Computer viruses are ubiquitous in nature. There are people who have spent their whole lives writing malicious bits of code and dangerous programs (because they didn’t have anything better to do and their girlfriends/boyfriends ditched them and their parents didn’t love them enough), and there are people who have spent their whole lives trying to protect computers from these viruses (because they didn’t have anything better to do and their girlfriends/boyfriends ditched them and their parents didn’t love them enough).

A little-known method of killing a computer is to open up the motherboard and sneeze on it a million times a day, infecting it with snot, dirt, phlegm and of course, the rhinovirus. Mankind, who’s been around for so many millenia, hasn’t been able to find a cure for this virus (that causes cold and God only knows why it’s called a Rhinovirus!), and there’s no way in Hell the bloody computers will.

Serves them right, the dumb machines!

Contact me for a free demo! πŸ˜€

Published by Nikhil

Nikhil Kumar lives in Bangalore with his wife and their stuffed dog. They are both advertising professionals and lead very exciting lives on the streets, dodging traffic. Their fridge is filled with cans of Diet Coke and their water heater doesn't work. He doesn't smoke (up) anymore.

46 thoughts on “The Dummy’s Guide To Destroying Your Computer

  1. ROFL!

    In Greek, ‘rhin’ means ‘nose’. Hence, rhinovirus! ( source: ncert textbook! )

    I would like to see a free demo please! πŸ˜›

    So you really thing programmers are big losers in life?! Let go of your comp for a few days and see if you can survive!
    “Its about time mankind fought back”….so clichΓ©…

  2. If you had continued with biotech, and created a vaccine against rhinovirus, maybe mankind could have fought back, you know!

  3. @Priya
    Ah, trust you to know these things in Greek… You study mostly Greek and Latin [sic] all the time! πŸ˜€
    And yeah, free demo anytime! πŸ˜€
    If I’d stayed back in biotech, I’d have probably injected myself with a lethal dose of potassium chloride by now! πŸ˜€

  4. OK, can understand your frustration with your comp, considering they know that they have now become a very integral part of our lives..and we cannot do that without them…!! I know as I feel very restless and will not be able to sleep if they stop functioning….!! May be its time you get a new royalty home. πŸ™‚ Good luck!

  5. You won’t be writing this if you did all that to computers.
    And how would you send your posts to people? Snail-mail ah?
    And then wait for weeks for replies from all over. Some of them with just a ‘lol’ or a ‘ROFL’!

  6. i am running on a vista πŸ˜› anyway you missed the most important point…The nikhil special…add you to things in the comp and they will refuse to start up…IT WORKS PEOPLE! TRY IT πŸ˜›

  7. @ Nikhil:

    The only solution – switch to a Mac. I use both and I am increasingly wondering if I should go with the Mac. Shhh…I am typing this downstairs on the Mac so my PC upstairs doesn’t find out.

  8. @Nikhil
    Me again… πŸ˜€ I forgot to close the ” in the HTML tag for the link to my page… Please edit it so that it works. πŸ˜€

  9. This was very funny Nikhil! PCs are such a pain, they take 15 mins to boot with all the bloatwares! That’s why I have a Mac, switched to it 2 years back and having nothing but fun.

  10. Why? Why? this wrath against computers..or is it only PCs?? If so, switch to a Mac. I so wish I could own a mac πŸ˜€ I did, left it there!
    I have one more option, leave the machine with my son A; as a toddler, he managed to ruin the LCD of my new, cute 10″ Vaio!! He just hit it with his building block! I did not know whether to yell and scream at him or just stare in disbelief. The blasted thing is still there and would cost 800USD to fix it seems!!

  11. ROFL
    *A little-known method of killing a computer is to open up the motherboard and sneeze on it a million times*
    Am damn sure I can manage…esp if i try in the morning, first thing! πŸ˜€

    I have an age-old PC here which does not know about the natural sources of comp-deaths! It will NOT work if I shut it down properly. If I (or my dad/bro) has to be sure it should work the next time around, we have to unplug it πŸ˜€ πŸ˜€ (now, hav attached a UPS. But we switch it off instead of switching off the comp πŸ˜€

  12. Rofl . . .Ingenious ways to destroy the idiot box !. . . I have been so tempted to throw my computer off the window @ office. . . I even sit near the window. . .But the problem is I sit at the first floor and I am not sure it will cause my comp enuf damage!

    Could you use the central server in my office for the live demo ? I would be very very very very grateful to u then πŸ˜›

  13. ha ha ..cant stop laughing … πŸ˜†
    man i would want a free demo too ..uplaod it in youtube. .
    guess i will soon try it with my system .. πŸ˜€

  14. Troubleshooting is an art, and then you have mastered it :p
    I will direct some of the guys needing help to your post xD

    Yup I too wonder why we don’t have a cure for Common Cold. It looks like the virus strain changes to make it even harder.

  15. // (because they didn’t have anything better to do and their girlfriends/boyfriends ditched them and their parents didn’t love them enough) //

    LOL good reason .. have you done any research on this πŸ˜‰

  16. @Sakhi
    Sure, I’m waiting! πŸ˜€

    Hehehe! True! Very true!

    Hmmm… interesting point..! Didn’t consider that! πŸ˜€

    Hehehe! Yeah! The Knee Kill, right!? πŸ˜‰

    hahaha! Sure!

    Hehehe… Don’t worry, I won’t tell your PC… πŸ˜€

    @Avionic Spanker
    Yeah man… Gotta switch to open source…

    Hehe.. Sure!

    LOL… Angels and Demons… They are never apart…! πŸ˜€

    haha… yeah sure looks like it… and sure, i’ll edit it, dont worry!

    You say that from experience? πŸ˜‰

    LOL… All the best!

    Hmmm.. yeah… i gotta switch to a mac soon! πŸ˜€

    That’s an option!

    It’s only against my PC, so don’t worry!
    And Ouch!! 8000 bucks??

    Same boat, my dear.. Same frikkin boat! πŸ˜‰

    14 feet! Remember! it’s a scientifically proven height! πŸ˜€

    Go figure! πŸ˜‰

    Yup! KCl..!! Cheap, easily available and untraceable…

    Girls are expensive!

    @ T
    Yeah! Reminds me of that cipher in Digital Fortress… Read it?


    Off topic! Off topic!! πŸ˜›

    hahaha… no man, it’s all guess work!

    Hehehehe!! Sure, I’ll add that!

  17. 800 not 8000!!! With 8K I could have got a used car there!!! πŸ™‚ and a few macs! πŸ˜€ I could ask my son to help you out with destruction ( a vent out for him too as I don’t encourage that part of his emotions πŸ˜‰ ) though I suppose you want to do the deed yourself!

  18. dude. this is such a welcome-relief post to me, tell you why, we’;’re all down here with editing process,, and that damn avid edit suite. i personally don like avid edit suite i prefer liquid pinncale pro. well people tell its far more easy n conveinient compared to liquid one. well who cares what the crap is,. to a technically challenged and more to technically retarded person like me. its hell. well will sponsor you to and fro ticket and arrange for a hyderabad stay for 3 days, just drop in here n well give me a demo… will be more than happy Nikhil..
    jus let me know. and its high time that we the human kind should fight back…

    Good one, Am more frustrated with computers and all technology..

    LOved it buddy, ROTFL….

  19. >>open up the motherboard and sneeze on it a million times a day, infecting it with snot, dirt, phlegm and of course, the rhino virus.

    πŸ˜† OMG I can’t stop laughing. Dono that what made you to get these ideas….

    And vista treatment was also cool.

  20. ROFL πŸ˜€

    I have always wanted to throw mine & my colleague’s Comp & Laptop in Sabarmati. Now since am in Mumbai would love to throw it in sea πŸ˜‰

    Psstt!!! Does repeatedly eating while working on lappy kills it softly??? I mean it keeps getting dirty no??? πŸ˜‰

  21. πŸ˜€ dunno y god’s so amused… he was playing with u first and now, he wants u to play with ur comp so tht he wont have the sin of destroying it… πŸ˜› Windows, Nokia and whores are like “wham, bam, thank you ma’am… then ur head goes wham bam jam…!” :mrgreen:

  22. Nikhil
    looks like you have way too much time on ur hands or ur comp is giving u way too much trouble
    there are better ways of killing ur comp

    1. use it without a cpu heatsink – do wear safety goggles
    the cpu can fly off – better still u could cook eggs on it

    2. try ur own custom built water cooler contraption to cool it

    3. try putting it in baby oil – that is said to be a good cooler

    4. my friend who really wanted to upgrade simply put his pencil in the cpu fan once and the next time he stuffed Styrofoam

    5. pass it on as a troubled asset to henry paulson – and get a free replacement

    ok now im really sleepy cause i think im talking crap !

  23. Ha ha funny. Mine recently had the near death experience kind courtesy of such a person who sent a pendrive spy to sneeze into the motherboard. πŸ™‚ It was efficient!

  24. Windows Vista won’t destroy your computer. I had it for about a couple of years and loved it. Therefore, Windows Vista will not work as a method of destroying your PC.

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