Farting Etiquettes

Whatever size, form or shape, toilet humor has always brought a smile to people’s faces. So, even if someone does not like the idea of a whole post on Farting Etiquette, what the fart? I’ll still write it.

Mankind I have always harbored an admiration for the powerful forces of nature. Wind energy is the next best thing to fossil fuels, and as long as there’s food on the planet, there will be farts.

Breaking wind is an essential fart of human nature. The fart of the matter is, no one can hold it any longer than 2 hours. This is scientifically proven at the MirrorCracked labs. There are certain etiquettes when it comes to unleashing our wind upon the unsuspecting public, and not many people adhere to it.

There’s a 4-line poem in Sanskrit, which describes the different intensities of smell that are associated with different levels of farting:

Darrr-am Burrrr-am Bhayam Naasthi
(Loud, sonic-boom farts do not stink)

Koiyyam Kotakasya Madhyaman
(There’s a reasonable amount of stink when the fart is squeaky and forced)

Thissssss-adhghoram Mahadhghoram
(Unbearable attack of stink forces when the fart hisses)

Nishabdham Praana Sankatam
(The unheard fart is a killer)

With this knowledge of the ages in mind, we can keep ourselves aware of what we need to do when we can’t hold it any longer. Here are a few tips on how to behave when we fart:

  1. If you’re alone, then let it out loudly, smile and say, “Wow, what a fart!”
  2. If in a meeting with 4 or more people and you very quietly let loose, then slowly start pushing your chair away from the person sitting next to you and give him/her a dirty look. Others will follow suit. This technique is called Farting The Blame.
  3. If you’re standing in a crowded bus, then make sure that you start pushing your way through the crowd slowly but steadily, moving towards the door, while farting quietly, so that the stink is distributed evenly throughout the length of the bus. (Not applicable outside India)
  4. If you’re with a girlfriend/boyfriend and you realize that you have to break wind, then play some music and tell your partner that you’ll dance for her/him. Unleash the wind energy quietly while dancing. He/she will never know. It’s easier for smokers – they can just light up to kill the stink.
  5. If you’re with someone who’s irritating you and you just want them to go away, then do the sonic-boom.

I sincerely hope this small but comprehensive guide helps people in distress. As usual, contact me for a free demo. ๐Ÿ˜€

Image Courtesy: Photobucket.com

Published by Nikhil

Nikhil Kumar lives in Bangalore with his wife and their stuffed dog. They are both advertising professionals and lead very exciting lives on the streets, dodging traffic. Their fridge is filled with cans of Diet Coke and their water heater doesn't work. He doesn't smoke (up) anymore.

72 thoughts on “Farting Etiquettes

  1. >>Thereโ€™s a 4-line poem in Sanskrit
    >>The fart of the matter is, no one can hold it any longer than 2 hours. This is scientifically proven at the MirrorCracked labs.
    ๐Ÿ˜† Can’t stop laughing..

    What an innovative thinking!! Shows your experience in all the five situations ๐Ÿ˜›

    Expecting more etiquette ๐Ÿ˜‰ if possible write email or surfing Etiquettes ๐Ÿ™‚

  2. aaaah nice post .. suits perfectly for me ๐Ÿ˜› been looking for a guide like this.. thanks dear “farting guru”


  3. The second tip “Farting The Blame” has become so common nowadays in the IT offices. It has become a common practice for someone to just fart and make faces towards his neighbor ๐Ÿ™‚ ..Especially after a heavy afternoon lunch..
    And the manager leads the list here in introducing innovative methods.. The more one grows in the Org chart, the more subtle their farting methods ๐Ÿ˜› CEOs & Managers r not supposed to fart, you see!

  4. Dude!!! Tell me one thing! how do you come up with things like this. Do you book a room and spend all your day in intellectual solitude and write such enlightened posts. do tell us your secret!!!!

    Demo ???

    So nice of you buddy!

  5. Man! you are just impossible !
    I cjust cant stop farting..oops…laughing now !!!!!

    And free demo??? Do you keep this ready all the time ?

  6. truly funny !
    the ancients were far more sensible than us…
    and, my grandmom kept using the line ‘nishabdam prana sankatam’ when ever there was an offensive smell..

  7. This post is Fartastic. Laughed out loud. Why don’t you post a part of it in LOL? Another technique is if you leave a slightly noisy one, you adjust the chair pretending that the chair was noisey.

  8. ha ha … as vimmu said ur are just impossible..

    you should have titled dummy’s guide to fart away ๐Ÿ˜€

    Darrr-am Burrrr-am Bhayam Naasthi

    man why dont u collect all this and publish a book again…
    i will write a review too if u send me a free copy again ๐Ÿ˜€

  9. Am always in a hurry and I saw ting & etiquettes and assumed it to be *eating etiquettes* few words later I went back to check the Title ๐Ÿ˜€

    By 3rd you mean the phissssssssss effect???? ๐Ÿ˜€

    Yuck!!!!! did I say that????

    No, the blame is on you ๐Ÿ˜›

    BTW Free demo??? Yuck!!! again.

  10. ….and thanks for completing the sloka…

    i just had the first and last lines in a diff way….

    boom boom parimalam naasthi
    kash kash praana sankatam

  11. I just saw a terrible film. Now I wonder who’s better; people who make bad films or people who don’t make bad films but stink well.

  12. Some people, aaaah… can’t work up a sense of humor. And the others, like me, are called intelligent!

    ROTFFMAO (Roll On The Floor FARTING My Ass Off)

    (Solitaire’s Shrek story also has a lot of Fartikipedia entries)

  13. Woah…If you created that Sanskrit poem, then kudos to you!! Very innovative. Btw, how does dancing with your girlfriend make her not notice the smell? What about people with two left feet?

  14. Dearth of topics? Or is this the magic art of seeing the silver lining in a related fiasco? If its the latter, can we have details of the fiasco please? ๐Ÿ™‚

    @Illuminator – If you have two left feet, use one of them to step on the left foot of your girlfriend.

  15. Dude I never want to be in the same bus or the meeting room with you !!!!
    Or lets say anywhere near you. ๐Ÿ˜€

    hilarious man !
    Good observations.

  16. whoa. farts farts farts. what the fuck! oops, i mean what the fart. lol.
    NB: i m using ur own words. lol.

  17. @Subtlebliss
    Welcome to MirrorCracked!

    LOL… Thanks man! I’ll try the other ones too!


    You’re welcome! Anytime!

    Hehehe!! Yeah! So true!

    Welcome to MirrorCracked!


    Haha! Nothing so deep, man. I’ve reached enlightenment at a very young age, you know

    Hahahaha!!! No, only on special request!

    @Harini Calamur
    Welcome to MirrorCracked!
    Hehehehe!! Yeah! Grannies know best! Heheheh!

    You are sure it was a laugh? ๐Ÿ˜‰

    Hehehe!! Yeah! Should’ve done that!


    Hehehe! Yeah! I’ll do that!

    LOL, yea man!
    And don’t worry, you’ll get the first copy this time!

    Hehehehe! As you wish, sir!

    Ah! The only one here who has read between the lines!! Hat’s off!!

    Welcome to MirrorCracked!

    HEhehe! Thanks!


    LOL!!! You said it, not me! ๐Ÿ˜‰

    What the fart, indeed!

    LOL, thanks man!

    Oh wow! Thanks!!!!

    Yeah! It is!! ๐Ÿ˜›

    Hehehe!! It’s awesome, isn’t it?? ๐Ÿ˜‰

    Oh, you’re welcome! Anytime!!

    I wonder… I think people who watch terrible films stink the most.

    Hehehe! Well, almost!


    @Kris Bass
    Hahaha! Yeah, intelligence is over-rated anyway!

    @The Illuminator
    Hmmm… It’s kinda tough, and it takes some practice… Depends on how good a dancer she is! And no, the poem has been passed on from generation to generation!

    Avionic Spanker
    Haha! Call it subtle sarcasm! Been a crappy week!

    Hahaha! Don’t worry, you won’t even know! ๐Ÿ˜‰
    And thanks!

    I don’t know! Lemme think…

    Hehehehe! Yeah! What the fart??

  18. ๐Ÿ˜€
    the Chennai university should give u a PHD
    Dr in Phartology

    One question saar
    which fart is more dangerous the silent one (generally the smelly fart) or the noisy one ?

  19. @Amit
    Halitosis has it’s pluses… ๐Ÿ˜€

    I can try! ๐Ÿ˜€

    Hahahha!! ๐Ÿ˜€

    Thanks! ๐Ÿ™‚

    Why Chennai University? And I think the second one is more dangerous!

    Welcome to MirrorCracked! ๐Ÿ˜€
    Yeah, well… I should’ve paid more attention to the title! ๐Ÿ˜€

    LOL… Glad you enjoyed it! ๐Ÿ˜€

  20. @ Dinesh

    Arey baba i know it but to write a post on it and to eloborate it to this extent i find yukky… other wise you don’t even know what sorts of things doctors do or have to do and still don’t up turn the nose in slightest!! ๐Ÿ™‚ We know physiology…

    I still maintain my stand.. this is a yukky post! ๐Ÿ˜›

  21. I hv heard this poem in Sanskrit about farting ..

    Dhadak Padam Bahut Gandham
    Phus-Phus Padam Kadi Na Gandham !!

    But it was a great post .. I’m glad that u r back in the style which suites u the best !!

  22. I think I misplaced the words in poem and the whole meaning has changed ..

    Let me rectify it ..

    Dhadak Padam Kadi Na Gandham
    Phus-Phus Padam Bahut Gandham !!

  23. U pic the university then
    just guessed because it is the biggest one in the south

    I have a big burly couple in the neighborhood who are expert in creating the most dangerous fart – the hbomb fart – poison gas releasing really really loud ones.

  24. @Soham
    That’s Sanskrit? ๐Ÿ˜€

    Oh totally agree!! ๐Ÿ˜€

    Nope, I’m from Sardar Patel High! ๐Ÿ˜€

    The H-Bomb Fart!! Lovely! I gotta meet this couple! ๐Ÿ˜€

    Hahahahaha!! Personal edification was never high on my list, man! Thanks anyway! ๐Ÿ˜€

  25. @Sakhi – @Nikhil:

    That is a mixture of hindi + sanskrit .. Why r u both worrying abt the language?? .. It has got deep meaning .. U should grasp that .. LOL !!

  26. great one…as long as food is there,farting will be a fact!
    And is that really Sanskrit?!
    BTW,as a fart of matter,I was away from internet world for a complete 10/12 days. ๐Ÿ˜›

  27. Can’t believe there are about 60 fools who call this post a hilarious one! Just ‘cos everyone admires your work, doesn’t mean you stoop this low!! Pathetic humor.

  28. @Girlwithoutshoes
    Welcome to MirrorCracked! ๐Ÿ˜€
    Thanks! ๐Ÿ˜€

    Hehehe!! Yeah man, I was just imitating Sakhi! ๐Ÿ˜€

    Hahahaha! Yes! ๐Ÿ˜€

    Welcome back! ๐Ÿ˜€

    Call me a fool, call me whatever insult you can think of, but never EVER call my readers and those who comment here as fools! You have no right to judge them! If you think I’ve stooped low, then just say that! Do not ever abuse my readers. One more comment where you call my readers as fools or anything like that, I’m blocking you. If you want to know what I do to people like you, please read this
    And I wouldn’t mind mentioning your email ID and the IP in such a post (if you ever force me to write one) so that others may block you! ๐Ÿ˜€
    Cheers! ๐Ÿ˜€

  29. Fart or not before u leave home spray some good perfume … I will help to overcome all the greenhouse gases released with a great fragrance ๐Ÿ™‚ 3 cheers for the fart which releases your long day tensed life ๐Ÿ˜€

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