Letter To An Asshole

Dear Asshole,

It’s been nice knowing you for so long. Really, when you stumbled upon my blog a month ago, I never realized we would be forging such a strong bond of indifference. With all that’s been happening in my life right now – work tensions, women, money issues, women, health issues, women, etc – I really think that I can do without your incessant stupidity.

You remind me of an ancient monkey-like creature that has been dead for a million years; it died because it mistook professional courtesy for unconditional love. Of course, since I haven’t even met you, I don’t know whether you actually look like the stupid monkey-like creature, but I’d put my money on it.

You are sexually insecure and your parents hate you. You were a mistake to begin with. You were the result of one night’s heavy drinking nine months before you were born. Your parents are ashamed of you, aren’t they? That’s why they named you like that. You are ashamed of your lineage, and you can’t do anything about it, except roam around the blogosphere harassing people when you could do something useful like kill yourself.

All said and done, my dear dear Asshole, I still like you. I like you a lot, because the world needs people like you. Where else will the scientific community get human specimens for experimental trials? Where else will car manufacturers get dummies for their crash tests? The world would have a boring place without you, my friend.

My dear Asshole, I salute you with a lot of feeling, but I am sorry that you can’t see which finger I’m holding up. Go rot in hell.

God’s Yo-Yo

Disclaimer: Asshole is real. He is an Asshole. He is an ancient monkey-like creature. Maybe someday, when he kills himself, I’ll throw a grand party where I’ll reveal his name, Till then, let’s play the guessing game. πŸ˜€

Published by Nikhil

Nikhil Kumar lives in Bangalore with his wife and their stuffed dog. They are both advertising professionals and lead very exciting lives on the streets, dodging traffic. Their fridge is filled with cans of Diet Coke and their water heater doesn't work. He doesn't smoke (up) anymore.

55 thoughts on “Letter To An Asshole

  1. @Chirax
    LOL, yeah! I’ve done that already! Any way I can block him from commenting?? πŸ˜€

    Hahaha!! Don’t worry, it’s not you!! πŸ˜›

  2. https://mirrorcracked.wordpress.com/wp-admin/options-discussion.php

    On this page, add his name, nickname, IP, email id and all possible thing s to block list. This will prevent him from commenting here!!

    Anyway, I really can’t imagine someone can hate someone so much!!! Honestly, I still am unable to hate my friend who literally back-stabbed me, I just don’t talk with him, thats it. But I don’t hate him actually!!

    I wish there wouldn’t be any antonyms to Love and friendship in future!!!


  3. @Barath
    Hehehe! Thanks man! πŸ™‚

    Hahaha! Thanks for the info! And yeah, some people deserve to be hated with all your heart! πŸ˜€

    @Quirky Indian
    It’s NOT you!! πŸ˜›
    It’s NOT you!! πŸ˜›
    It’s NOT you!! πŸ˜›

  4. Nikhil:

    ‘Hatred is not the opposite of love; apathy is.’ You give people you hate too much importance by discussing them, on your well-read blog. πŸ™‚

  5. Whoa!! someone is mad!!! Cool down buddy πŸ™‚ and yeah like a lot of people have mentioned before… just block him/her. That ways you wont be bothered!! πŸ™‚

    Have a nice day πŸ™‚

  6. hmmm… so its out in the open and done and dusted with!! Now as everybody has advised you, block the moron and live and let live in peace πŸ˜› πŸ˜›

  7. is it me? πŸ˜› i bet it is πŸ˜› but i have been on your blog for longer πŸ˜› in fact for about 6 months and i dont i am blocked yet…:P so it is not me πŸ˜›

  8. @Nova
    Hehehehe! Yeah, I’ve blocked him! πŸ˜€

    Hahaha!! Yeah!! πŸ˜€

    Yeah! I’ll reveal it later! πŸ˜€

    I’ve blocked him, but I can’t reveal his name right now!! πŸ˜€

    No man! it’s not you! πŸ˜€

  9. There are bad elements everywhere. Even in blogosphere! So just be a bit careful, you can block him/her like Suda said. May be you should reveal his name for the benefit of others. So we can be careful too.

  10. Oh is this an example to the online effect that I read about? I am awful at guessing games; but I just hope that person gets the message! πŸ™‚

  11. I think you can create “hate mail templates’ some for free and some premium, for paid users LOL

    yea, is he in your blogroll?

  12. ROFL!!!!! πŸ˜€
    sum1 is really driving u crazy!! Bets its a guy…doesn’t sound the least bit like a girl….besides, from ur previous posts, i dont think a girl can irritate u to this extent… πŸ˜‰

  13. Dude are you going to unmask this criminal πŸ˜€ , so that we can arrange a DOS attack on his/her Blog.

  14. Guys, it should be a ‘he’. Though his post never reveals the gender, his comments do !!!

    Your welcome, Nikhil πŸ˜‰

    Out with the name buddy. atleast, give us a clue…

  15. Shefaly: Round of kick boxing sure helps…but let me tell ya this vent helps too πŸ˜‰ don’t know about Nikhil though πŸ˜€

  16. OMG 😯 ….this is hilarous then your other posts -:idea: this made me comment for the first time after reading so many of your posts.

    I just cant stop Laughing…oops:oops: 😯 …Hope itz not me…:lol: ..

    U have a great blog. cool:

  17. Such pests sure ruin the party!!!! just ignore/block this monkey!!! πŸ™‚

    Not worth getting upset over… such peopl are not worth our time…. πŸ™‚
    have a good day!!

  18. @Bhu
    Welcome to MirrorCracked!
    Yes, I feel much much better now!!

    Yeah, I know… I’ll reveal his name soon… He’s an asshole!

    I’m sure he will!

    No man! He’s not on my blogroll!

    Hahahaha!! Good idea! And no, he’s not on my blogroll!

    Hahaha! Yeah, it’s a guy!

    Patience, my dear…

    Hahahahahaaha!!! Of course it’s not you!!!!!!!!!! πŸ˜›

    LOL… Yeah! We should launch the biggest DOS attack ever recorded in history!!

    LOL… No!! πŸ˜›

    Hehehehe!! The disclaimer clearly suggests its a guy, dude!

    @La Vida Loca
    Yeah! I know! Fuck them!

    Kick boxing… Hmmm… Fartastic idea!!
    I shall do that!

    LOL… Yeah!! And it’s not you, so don’t worry!

    Kickboxing definitely helps!!

    Welcome to MirrorCracked!
    Finally, you comment! Hehehe… and yeah, smileys didn’t work… πŸ™‚

    Hahahaha! Yeah, thanks! πŸ™‚

  19. I’m on your blogroll. So it is not me. Hurraaaayyyyy!!

    By the way, let me tell you, I am very unpopular in the blogosphere. because my name Trojan sounds like a virus and my blog name kissplease.net sounds like a porn blog. So people are very skeptical about visiting my blog.

    But you calm down.you have already blocked the person so not to worry abt him anymore.

  20. Hmm..you are really angry ..Leave shitty people aside and move on..some people are not worth our time and effort and it is lame to waste our precious moments by ‘getting angry ‘ at them..Ignoring them is the best reply.

  21. wow..a well written letter to an asshole.i stumbled on your letter on my research on how to write a letter to an asshole. i was unlucky enough to have encountered two super assholes in the past three years.ended my friendships with both of them recently.now pondering on whether i should vent some truth out about one of the asshole guys on his facebook wall which of course will surely be deleted shortly after. just hope some of his friends get to read it. i’m not even gonna write words like”asshole”and stuff.it’s just gonna stoop me down to their lowly level.
    i agree that the opposite of “love”isn’t hatred, but i feel for you too that after being hurt, it’s hard to have complete apathy.that’s something i’m still working on myself now.but after posting that on his wall,i will delete him from every aspect of my life.
    hope you are doing better and feeling better now. life is still good!!!!!!

  22. Hi, I have to deal with several major AH’s in my family! They worm into my brain and gleefully wreak havoc! But it’s hard for me to understand how someone who you never met in person and only communicated with in writing, for a short time, was able to be so aggravating. What did he think to say, to a stranger, and only in writing, that would so effectively unnerve you?

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