Hairy Potter And The Chamber Of Cigarettes

Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction and all names, incidents or places are fictitious. Any resemblance to any persons or characters living, dead or fictional is purely coincidental and no harm is intended to anyone through this story.

Statutory Warning: Cigarette Smoking is injurious to health and will cause smokers to think, look and act like me.

The story so far: Hairy Potter realizes he has been blessed with amazing bladder control! He has an Over-Ambitious Gall Stone in his kidney, that wants to break free! It finally manages to escape! Angry at the surgeon for losing his precious Gall Stone, Hairy Potter goes to the police and asks them to arrest the surgeon. The inspector is secretly working for someone named Lord Wall De Fart, and they both realize that they’ve been searching for the Gall Stone Who Lived, and now they are nearing their quest.

Will Hairy find justice?

Will the Gall Stone see the world?

Who is Wall De Fart and why does he want a Gall Stone?

Read on to find out…

Hairy was dejected. He was extremely depressed because of the way the inspector had treated him. He was sitting at the bar, drowning his sorrows in alcohol, oblivious to the strange stares he got from the other drunkards. Three cases of beer later, he realized that he had to relieve himself. He was startled because it was the first time in almost two weeks that he had had to pee. It was a momentous occasion.

He stumbled his way to the restrooms and in his drunken stupor, entered the ladies’ restroom. He entered a cubicle and parted his hair and started pee’ing. “Oh wow! That feels so good!” he screamed.


Image Courtesy: Photobucket

Meanwhile, in the nearby town of Dips-Hit, a cloud of fart mysteriously floated in the corridors of an ancient house and made it’s way to a well-lit room. A strange thing was sitting on the only chair in the room – it was a creature with no body and yet, it had dark brown evil eyes. A bigger cloud of fart was enveloping the creature, and the cloud that had just entered, stood in front of it’s master and said, “I have come, master.”

“What newsssssss?” hissed the fart-cloud-covered creature.

“The Gall Stone is in Sydney…” said the smaller fart cloud.

“Sssssydney?? How did it get there??” screamed the creature.

“I.. I don’t know. I just saw the airline manifests this morning,” said the small fart cloud, covering in fear.

“Hmmm…” said the creature thoughtfully. “Under what name is it traveling?”

“O.A. Gall, your fartness,” said the smaller fart, now a little relaxed as its master’s anger seemed to have ebbed.

“I ssseee. And what about Hairy Potter?” the creature hissed.

“My sources tell me that Hairy Potter is dangerously close to discovering the Chamber of Cigarettes,” said the smaller fart cloud slowly, fearing it’s life now. Its master’s anger was very dangerous.

“Whaaaat!?” screamed the creature as it sprang up the chair. “What nonsense is this?” it said, as a thin, white hand emerged from the cloud, holding a gun. “I’ll shoot you right here if you don’t tell me how this happened. How did Hairy Potter manage to get so close?”

The smaller fart cloud was shivering and crying by now, and in between sniffs, it said, “Please. please don’t kill me, master. One of my sources told me, I swear. It’s true. I don’t know how this happened. Please don’t kill me.”

“Get out,” said the creature quietly. “I have to think.”


Half an hour had passed and Hairy was still going strong. He was creating patterns on the wall with his never-ending stream of urine, when finally, the flow reduced intensity and trickled down to a stop.

“Oh wow! Wow! Oh yeah!” he cried in satisfaction. As he reached for the flush handle, his feet hit something strange on the ground. Bending down, he saw a small metal ring with something carved on it. Curious, he picked it up and turned it around. It was a cheap metal ring, which anyone could pick up off the flea markets, but the inscription on the ring was quite stunning – it showed a toilet cubicle much like the one in which he was standing, and the flush handle in the carving had been pushed up, instead of down.

Hairy looked at the ring and then at the flush handle in his own cubicle. “Why not?” he said and pushed the flush handle up, instead of down. He could hear a strange rumbling noise somewhere beneath him and in a few seconds, something strange rose up from inside the commode, from the depths of the ground.

It was a small iron box, about two feet wide and two feet high, standing on a metal pole, with the words, “The Chamber of Cigarettes,” written on them in a nice flowing font. On the side facing Hairy, there was a hole in the center, and by instinct, he put the ring in the hole. It clicked and the box swung open. He looked in and his eyes widened in surprise by what he saw inside.

There were two cigarettes, identical to each other, guarded by a small lizard-like creature. It was a common house lizard and Hairy picked it up by the tail and threw it down the drain. He then picked up the two cigarettes and pocketed one of them and lit the other. It was the best cigarette ever.


At this precise moment, the fart-cloud-covered creature let out a horrible scream – a scream of agony, pain and defeat.

“Hairy Potter! I will get you for this! Do not cross Lord Wall De Fart! Hisss!”


Totally oblivious to all these happenings, the Over-Ambitious Gall Stone was sitting in a bar in Sydney, munching on peanuts, totally enjoying it’s vacation. Two tables away, watching O.A Gall, sat a small cloud of fart…

[to be continued…]
[Rambodoc and Shefaly win the Secret Hell Smell Award for being the only ones to point out that Gall Stones are not present in kidneys. There is a specific reason why this particular Gall Stone was in the kidney and that will be revealed in later chapters. The Secret Hell Smell Award comprises of a free lunch/dinner in a restaurant of your choice. Congrats!]

Published by Nikhil

Nikhil Kumar lives in Bangalore with his wife and their stuffed dog. They are both advertising professionals and lead very exciting lives on the streets, dodging traffic. Their fridge is filled with cans of Diet Coke and their water heater doesn't work. He doesn't smoke (up) anymore.

29 thoughts on “Hairy Potter And The Chamber Of Cigarettes

  1. Good that somebody knows the anatomy of our body soooooo well πŸ˜› πŸ˜› Congrates Rambo and Shefaly!! πŸ˜› πŸ˜›

  2. This is awesome !! Better than HP ….!!
    We used to translate HP into kannada and make fun of it in school…
    For eg : ~Hari Kumbara mattu Blah Blah.
    ~”scared Potter ?? “..”You Wish!!”
    ~ “Hederkena Kumbara ??”…”ninna bayake!””

  3. “Totally oblivious to all these happenings, the Over-Ambitious Gall Stone was sitting in a bar in Sydney, munching on peanuts, totally enjoying it’s vacation.”

    WTF man ?!!!

  4. Oh wow! This is getting damn exciting! πŸ™‚
    The things you come up with! Really!

    *Totally oblivious to all these happenings, the Over-Ambitious Gall Stone was sitting in a bar in Sydney, munching on peanuts, totally enjoying it’s vacation.*
    ROFL ! πŸ˜†

  5. ok,

    I am planning to develop a far manager machine … controlled farts.. that work as alarms.. or reminders etc. .

  6. Brilliant, witty…

    Watch out though… Warner Brothers may want their share of your fame… πŸ™‚

  7. @Sakhi
    Yeah, I’m surprised you didn’t notice that ‘glitch’… πŸ˜€

    LOL… Thanks!! πŸ˜€
    Wait for the continuation, all your questions will be answered! πŸ˜€

    Hehehe!! πŸ˜€

    Haha! Thanks! It’s gonna become more awesome! πŸ˜€

    @Avionic Spanker
    Coming from you, that’s a huge compliment! Thanks!! πŸ˜€

    Oh you don’t have it yet?? πŸ˜€

    Hahahaha!!! πŸ˜€

    Hehehe! Thanks! And WB can’t do a thing – I’ve got the disclaimer up! πŸ˜€

  8. I like the Statutory Warning πŸ™‚
    I thought of giving you the benefit of the willing suspension of disbelief… can’t wait to see how much you are going to push it πŸ˜€

  9. J.K. Rolling? πŸ˜›

    You should read this book called How Opal Mehta got wild, got kissed and got a life. It sucks a$$. And then make a spoof of that. I’d like to see that. Really.

  10. @ Nikhil:

    And about Opal Mehta etc, it was best known for its mass-scale plagiarism. Whether Kavya Vishwanathan did it or her editor ‘wrote’ those portions is moot. Unless someone has a copy already, you can no longer buy the book. So best to find the original book and spoof it. πŸ™‚
    If you must..

  11. Brilliant. Loved the title.This spoof is coming out very well. I wonder what the next part title is going to be. Going by Cigarettes is it going to be Prisoner of Zardapaan ?

  12. ROFL!!!!
    Never thought I’d enjoy anything to do with Harry Potter again!!!!
    I must say this is way better than Barry Trotter…and Barry Trotter sold a million copies!!! y dont u try writing a book?

  13. @Deepika
    The Opal Mehta book was taken off shelves after the author was charged with plagiarism…she copied entire passages from midnights children and princess diaries….
    and yeah, the book really sux!!!

  14. Probably i got so involved in reading and wondering 😯 how you can even think and write such stuff that my medical knowlege got hay wired πŸ˜†

    But as Reema says, only you can come up with something of this sort!! πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚

  15. @Apar
    You won’t be disappointed… I am known to be a great pusher of human endurance!

    That’s why it was called the ‘Secret’ award!
    What happens next? Stay tuned!


    Hehe! Thanks man!

    Hehehe!! I am yet to read that book, so once I do, I’ll spoof it, just for you! If you have it, then send it to me!

    I’ll try to get the book somewhere! Lets see…

    Hahahahahahah!!!! Zardapan! Loved it! No, I’m thinking something less subtle..!

    Hehee! That’s the idea! Lets see how far this goes!

    I should try it yes..! Good idea!

    Hmmm… Say, that’s an interesting idea!

    You shall have more!

    Doctor, what’s this?? You’ve gone haywire! Don’t schedule any surgeries today!

  16. “Cigarettes guarded by lizards” man, what imagination you have πŸ™‚

    And the story is getting interestingly hilarious πŸ˜€

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