The Dummy’s Guide To Breaking Up!

So, here we are again, after a few rants and a lot more beer, trying to learn some of the basic things in life through the evergreen Dummy’s Guide. This time round, the scientists at the MirrorCracked Labs decided to be a bit more human and latched on to topics that are studied and researched the least around the world – breaking up, ditching and getting ditched. Not many people want to talk about it, but psychologically speaking, it’s a very easy thing to talk about, especially after a few rounds of vodka. Alcohol loosens tongues.

There are guides to lose a girl and there are guides to lose a guy, but The Dummy’s Guide is perhaps the most comprehensive of the lot.

Anyway, the MirrorCracked Labs decided to publish their research here, after careful observations with spy cameras, hidden microphones and tapped telephones. For anyone who is in a relationship they don’t want to be in, this is a must read. Follow these techniques and you’ll be single again, that’s a guarantee. The Love Guru endorses these techniques, by the way, so no need to worry about the credibility of the claims.

It’s Not You, It’s Me…

Popularized by Seinfeld and immortalized by the Love Guru millions of times, the “It’s not you, it’s me” routine works wonders when dealing with stubborn partners. I know many of us would just wish that we could say the things we think about, on their faces, but unfortunately, that would get us killed. For instance, there was this girl who once accused me of ‘taking advantage’ of her when she was drunk, and I really wanted to say, “I wouldn’t take advantage of you even if you were not drunk, and even if I did, it would be a disadvantage, you paranoid bitch,” but I ended up saying, “Of course not, baby. You can trust me,” and we cuddled the whole night. I broke up with her the next evening using the “it’s not you, it’s me” routine.

This is what you need to do. Take your partner to a very nice restaurant and sit across the table and stare into your partner’s eyes and tell them, “Look, this really is not what I had in mind when I started seeing you. I am really crazy in my head and my notions of love and relationships are obsolete. You’re a great person and I am sure you deserve someone much better than me.”

Then your partner will look shocked, maybe shed a few tears and ask you, “Please don’t say such things.”

And you should say, “It’s not you, it’s me. It’s just me. I am not the right person for you. Let’s not argue further.” Hold your partner’s hands while saying the line, it adds to the effect. Trust me, this always works.

I Need A Break…

This technique is ideal for peopleย  below 25 years of age, and those who are not considering a commitment with your partner. More often than not, your partner will be seriously considering committing and would want to marry you or something. So, once you see the signs (excessive drooling around you, stupid look in the eyes, blindly agreeing to whatever you say, every conversation leading to marriage and future and babies), you should make sure that you break it off.

Take your partner to the place where you first went out for a date, or any other nice coffee shop would suffice. Tell your partner that you need a break and that you just want to be friends and that you have a career to think about at that moment in your life. Your partner will be confused and won’t understand what you’re hinting at. Then you should say, “I don’t want to date you anymore.”

If your partner still doesn’t get it, then you shouldn’t be with that person in the first place!

I’m Already Married…

If neither of the two routines are applicable to you, then the best and (sometimes) the safest way is to tell your partner that you’re already married. Choose a public place to tell them this, because there are chances that they might get violent. To be sure, call the cops beforehand.

The Other Routines…

Other guides would probably harp on other routines and the most popular one I found was to tell your partner that you’re gay. This is a big No-No! Do not tell your partner that you’re gay, because you have no idea what effect this will have on your image in the market. Your partner will stop at nothing to make the whole world know that you’re gay and that will seriously affect your chances of scoring with anyone else. Dialogues like, “Oh, you’re that homo, aren’t you?” and “Don’t I know you from somewhere? Oh yeah, I remember. I’m sorry, I don’t date homosexuals” become quite common and your life will be miserable.

If You Get Dumped…

…then, don’t worry. Just contact me and tell me your problems and why you were dumped and I will take up your case in the MirrorCracked Labs and figure out a way to make your life better. ๐Ÿ˜€

Published by Nikhil

Nikhil Kumar lives in Bangalore with his wife and their stuffed dog. They are both advertising professionals and lead very exciting lives on the streets, dodging traffic. Their fridge is filled with cans of Diet Coke and their water heater doesn't work. He doesn't smoke (up) anymore.

55 thoughts on “The Dummy’s Guide To Breaking Up!

  1. Hmm…i surely will not follow your methods…dude who is going to pay the bill ๐Ÿ˜› you know she might eat everything in the whole place and they say go to hell and walk out…see there is a mistake…and telling you are already married? Hmm…what if she makes your wife accept her as a second wife?

  2. hey bhagavaan.. yet another guide!! ๐Ÿ˜› ๐Ÿ˜›

    “then, donโ€™t worry. Just contact me and tell me your problems and why you were dumped and I will take up your case in the MirrorCracked Labs and figure out a way to make your life better” ๐Ÿ˜†

  3. Good one Nikhil, and let me take this opportunity to say something all (most ) Guys want to say to their girlfriends, “WE DON’T WANT TO TALK”, we have used up all our talk on the first and second dates, now we just want to be lazy, silent and immovable on the couch. ๐Ÿ˜€ watch TV, scratch and drink Beer. ๐Ÿ˜€

  4. I think you are going to get a book deal. Maybe you arleady have it and are working under covers.

    I always use the ‘I’m already married excuse.’

    I’ll look forward to see ‘how to react when you are dumped’ guide!

  5. grins…my routine is even easier…I jus stop answering calls and texts…:D

    one fine day and send a random msg “trust u r well,Even thru’ such hopelessly busy days have been thinkin of u always, ”

    Must neva send any more msgs after that.. ๐Ÿ˜€ ๐Ÿ˜€


  6. Nikhil:

    Google Mail Goggles seem to be copying ideas from you. It is however just a supporting ruse, not the main strategic move ๐Ÿ˜‰

  7. Mirrorcracked seems to be cracked up …. OMG!!!

    The BREAK title reminded me of FRIENDS, “we were on a break!!” ๐Ÿ™‚

    Nice to see one more person tripping on Seinfeld!!:)

  8. ok
    Next book will be

    “How to react/act when you get dumped by LOVE GOORU[going with the bengalooru effect] NIKHIL” ๐Ÿ˜€

  9. Hey Nikhil.. You’re indeed a great! mr.Fix it and Mr. break it! You do great things. well Am not much interested in either getting fixed up or getting broken now. I would be glad if you can tell me about services like How to get famous, How to go invisible or how to go deaf on certain people How to earn more. I hope Mirror Cracked labs Has a way for these things

  10. @Vishesh
    LOL, if you wanna ditch her, you gotta pay up, buddy!

    Yeah! Yet another guide!

    Hahahahaah!! Well said, dude! Well said, indeed! I like the scratching part, reminds me of Homer Simpson!

    Hehehehe!! No man, nothing as sinister as a book deal, trust me!
    And saaay, that’s an idea! Next guide might just be on that!

    @Mystique Dew
    Hahahaha! Though that is quite an effective way, the scientists here at MirrorCracked Labs do not believe in being so rude…

    That might not work with most people!

    I activated Goggles yesterday and guess what, I got the third problem wrong! Hehehe!! But yeah, they seem to know me and my methods…

    Hahaha! Trust me, you’re not the first person comparing me to a friends character… People think I’m Chandler Bing…!
    And yea, I love Seinfeld..!!! the TV series, I mean!
    And yeah, that is a good title for a book! ๐Ÿ™‚


    Hehehehehe!! Yeah, you have my email ID, so just mail me your number and I’ll make sure someone from the MirrorCracked Labs get back to you!

    Hahaha! Thanks man! I will come up with guides on all your topics of concern, don’t worry! ๐Ÿ™‚

    Hehehehe! To find a girlfriend, please refer The Love Guru

  11. Great things are coming out of Mirrorcracked Labs! You should do more such research and make posts like this … this was good ๐Ÿ™‚ I liked the seinfeld bit – “It’s not you, it’s me” This is so famous!

  12. LOL man,,,,
    i follow a simple rule to avoid girls..dont talk to them properly for a week they will get pissed off and forget u .. ๐Ÿ˜›
    works like charm ๐Ÿ˜€

  13. Man…. You need to write another guide .. “How to be mean to exes who have dumped you ”
    Great post ๐Ÿ™‚

  14. I actualy thought I finished reading 7 new entries before I saw there was only one point to comment for all 7, ๐Ÿ˜€
    Good list, just saw the other day the its not you its me routine in Seinfield and thought its neat.

  15. I was told I should probably read He is just not that into you which would give away all the signs of breaking up. This is certainly more succinct. ๐Ÿ˜€
    What happened to Hairy Potter? Thought there were no more entries other than the Potter series!

  16. U better have answers to all these ‘how-to’ posts on 18th !!!!

    Also we need a free demo on that farting etiquettes too ๐Ÿ˜€

  17. This guide business is flourishing a lot. ๐Ÿ™‚ Good! I am also thinking about taking out a second installment. ๐Ÿ™‚
    Nice compilation. ๐Ÿ˜€

  18. Hi Nikhil,
    Good one.
    Whatever happened to the good old method of ‘I am suffering from xxxxx (terminal illness). I want you to find somebody else and live happily ever after.’ I guess I have grown too old…

  19. Nikhil..

    hahahhahha…in the context of what the scientists are researching..tell ’em thats quite an irony…



  20. How about the avoidance technique that some go for? Two-timing? Some guys and gals use this technique! In fact I know a case where the guy just sent his girl a wedding card…to another girl!

  21. @Nikhil: see,simpler way- just don’t get into a relationship from which you would want to break up,analyse properly….well true love is one where you will never break up….but guess your way of getting out is cheaper than paying alimony ๐Ÿ™‚

    @Nita: shocking isn’t it…I can’t believe that people take relationships so frivolously,maybe the that is their way of covering up for their insecurities?

    @chirax: Homer Nikhil? ๐Ÿ˜› Sounds like Nikhil is going to become a house husband ๐Ÿ™‚ but i agree he does look like homer Simpson ๐Ÿ™‚

  22. hahaha.. yet another guide.. this was funny too
    another way is to tell ur partner u’re sufferin from AIDS.. ๐Ÿ˜€

  23. “Just contact me and tell me your problems and why you were dumped ”

    If the dumper follows a guide such as yours one may never know the real reason of being dumped and hence may not tell u in order to get help from u.

    I think its better to tell the real reason.

  24. LOL…
    Hilarious, as all your other guides!
    *If neither of the two routines are applicable to you, then the best and (sometimes) the safest way is to tell your partner that youโ€™re already married.* ๐Ÿ˜†

  25. Don’t think I’m ever gonna need these… but i’m sure i’m gonna have all these done to me in my life…

  26. ๐Ÿ˜† mirrorcracked labs helpline no 24/7 for all kinda etiquettes and relationships guide! Publish the toll free no ๐Ÿ˜›

  27. ROFL!!!
    I’ve never done any of this, but it looks pretty funny!!! Seems like a very entertaining movie!! ๐Ÿ˜€ 8)

    But then, I’m curious about a few things:

    1. Although guys are so frivolous about relationships, they care so much about the way they break-up and what the girl thinks…even if they no longer like her…any particular reason? other than fear of hysterics ๐Ÿ˜€
    2. I think most girls will appreciate it more, if you just looked them in the eye and said- “Look, I don’t think this will work anymore. Let’s go our separate ways.” Why do guys find that so hard?
    3. As I said earlier, I’ve never done any of this, but i just wanted to know- Are girls really so stupid that they don’t notice when a guy has lost interest? and do they actually fall for the “it’s not you, it’s me.” routine? ๐Ÿ˜ฎ

    Anyway, this whole dating thing seems so pointless…
    no offence to anybody… ๐Ÿ˜€

  28. Aiyoooo budddy, please ensure that you never release your blog address to your GF atleast. Pata Chala, tables turned ๐Ÿ™‚ and you only got dumped.

  29. Haha, brilliant! ๐Ÿ˜€

    The “it’s not you, it’s me” routine is too cliched by now, don’t you think? I say we turn it around. “It’s YOU…you’re not the same person anymore.” That works wonders, trust me. People always believe it when you say they’ve changed!

  30. “It’s not you,it’s me!!”
    That was a cool,as well as a serious message.Especially in my age group of immature relationships,this really works!! ๐Ÿ™‚

  31. Nice stuff, Nikhil. Mirrorcracked should probably get listed. Am sure there are ways to make money even in such markets ๐Ÿ™‚

    @shivya – lemme assure you that does NOT work .. I can tell you how much trouble that line got me into

  32. Hi… How are you? I have been off-line for a lot of time, and I missed you really much, man. Ehm, ehm… I guess that my return should be celebrated with a maxi *KISS* as ‘your girlfriend’… Or is something changed while I wasn’t on-line? ๐Ÿ˜‰

  33. hey hiee its been 5 days since u posted sumthin.
    u normally post sumthin everyday ..hope everythings alrite byee tc .. ๐Ÿ™‚

  34. awesome ๐Ÿ™‚ apt !

    how many guys fool us with the “its not you,its me ,croc tears et all ๐Ÿ˜€ ”

    the “gay” technique,u tried it out eh ?

  35. next time a girl comes crying to me..that the boy just dumped her – ill send her ur way with the right instructions.
    God save ur life ๐Ÿ˜‰ seen the movie hitch – Dr Date?//errr sorry Dr Dump..ur plight wil be more hilarious than this post i guess ๐Ÿ˜‰
    good read buddy!

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