Revenge Of The Idiots

This incident happened sometime last year, and I still remember it vividly. Idiots are so hard to forget.

It was supposed to be a surprise. Or a suspense. Whichever one wasn’t creepy. One hour was the time frame. I was supposed to present myself at the remote location in one hour. Yeah, right, I thought. With this traffic, I can make it just in time for a perfect sunset. Three in the afternoon on the roads of Bangalore is like being killed and transported to Hell and made to push a huge, heavy wheel for no apparent reason, with a red, pointy-tailed, French-bearded individual who laughed demonically for no reason and lashed you with a whip every now and then, with your sweat dripping off your face and crusts of dirt and tar sticking to every part of your face. Well, almost.

I was stuck in each and every traffic signal on my way. The location was called BTM Layout, and I was cursing the fellow who’d called me there. My mind back to the phone call I received that morning, while I waited for more than ten minutes at a junction where a truck was stranded in the middle of the road with two-wheelers peppered around it like seasoning on a horrendous Christmas dish.

“Hey Nikhil,” said the idiot over the phone.

“Hey dude,” I replied, silently wishing he’d never called. I hated this guy, and had tried to distance myself as much as possible from him. But, as you probably know, some people just don’t get it.

“Listen, this is important,” said the Idiot. “Can I meet you today? This is really important!”

The Idiot had called me after a gap of almost three years and this is how he opens the conversation. As I said, some people….

“Yeah dude, tell me,” I said, sounding as indifferent as possible.

“Can you come to BTM Layout at three today? Please man, this is important!”

“Whoa!” I said. “Why should I come there? It’s a Sunday, if you remember? I’m trying to relax at home.”

“Please Nikhil. I wouldn’t call you if it weren’t important. Please come to the Shopper’s Stop in BTM and call me. I’ll pick you up.” No matter what I tried, he wouldn’t give in. I finally agreed to meet him.

“Thanks a lot, man!” he said.

“No problem. This better be worth it.”

“Oh, it is! It is! Don’t you worry. Just be there at three and I’ll pick you up,” he said. “So, how’ve you been these past few years?”

I smiled. “Bye dude. See you at three.” And I hung up. It’s not that I’m an anti-social animal, I just hate this guy.

So here I was, stuck in inching traffic on a blisteringly hot Sunday, in the middle of nowhere, about to meet this Idiot, when I should’ve been at home, my feet up on the couch, leaning back in my sofa, watching the French Open finals with a chilled coke in my hand. Ah, life mocks me. I can’t help it.

I reached shopper’s stop in one piece and my bike groaned to a halt as I parked her, and the engine trickled as it cooled. I loved my bike. She was a work of art. She belonged in a museum, under the “Tools of the Neanderthal” section…

I called up the Idiot and told him that I’d reached. It was two minutes to three. I sat back on my parked bike and waited for the Idiot. He came there two minutes later, running, and hot in the face. He’s a weird looking guy – tall, balding and a thin hairline mustache. And his eyes were a constant reminder of his inborn idiocy. He was always an idiot – slow to grasp things and concepts and slower to understand them. Now, he was working for a software company. God save software!

“Thanks for coming, dude!” he said.

“No problem,” I said. “Ok, what’s this all about?”

“Listen, I’m into a scheme where you can make lots of money in a week. Up to twenty thousand in a week! Are you interested?”

You can imagine what went through my brain. I looked around for a sizable stone to bash his head in, but refrained myself. Too many witnesses around. I could never make it look like a suicide.

“What?” I asked, incredulously.

“Yeah man! This new company is giving away money, dude. I asked you to come here because I want you to attend a presentation, which the company is giving. They’ll explain exactly how you can make the money. It’s quite simple, dude. And I get a referral fee is you sign up.”

“What?” I asked again. I was beginning to eye some really nice stones.

“Yes,” he said. “Follow me.”

He led me to a hotel which was behind the Shopper’s Stop mall. Lots of people were hanging around the entrance. “These are all my colleagues,” he said.

“Ok,” I said. I was really annoyed now, as most of the people there had the same idiot look in their eyes. I wanted to run away from there as fast as I could. He led me into the hotel and into an air-conditioned conference room, where there was a long table, made of cheap woodwork to match with the cheapness of the wood-paneled walls. Lots of people were sitting around it and there was a white board on the far wall, with a guy standing in front of it.

“Guys, this is Nikhil,” said the idiot. They all waved at me. I was asked to take the only empty chair in the room. I felt like the newest inductee into the Idiot Club of India.

I Am God's Yo-Yo!
I Am God's Yo-Yo

The presentation started. Two minutes into the talk, I hated the idiot all the more. We were supposed to pay thirty thousand rupees to join the company, and then go out and refer more people and convince them to join the same charade. Every time one of the poor idiots joined, we would get a commission. And just to show that the company believed in proper “motivation,” we would be given a gold coin once we pay them the initiation fees!

I frantically took out my cell phone and messaged my friend to call me so I could get an excuse to get out of the place! He did, and I walked out, telling the Idiot that I had to attend the call. I went out, took a deep lungful of refreshing polluted Bangalore air and told the moron that I’m going to work. “I’m not interested, dude. Honestly. I think it’s not going to work. You want my suggestion, quit!”

“Hey, it’s ok dude. It’s really your choice. Are you sure you don’t want the gold coin?”

I wanted to bash his head in so badly, but I summoned all my inner strength and held back. I hated him.

“Bye, dude,” I said. “Don’t ruin my Sunday again.”

As I drove back, I thought about the scores of people fooled in this quest for money. Greed had blinded them so much that they could believe anything. Who could get twenty grand for referring a few people? Seriously!
I went back home and splashed my face with cold water. I switched on the fan, lay back on the sofa, put my feet on the couch, held my coke tightly, and switched to Star Sports. Roger Federer had just won the first set. I settled back with a contented sigh, when the power went off.

Life mocks me.

Sometimes, when I hear real hard, I think I can hear the crack of a whip and a demonic laugh…

Published by Nikhil

Nikhil Kumar lives in Bangalore with his wife and their stuffed dog. They are both advertising professionals and lead very exciting lives on the streets, dodging traffic. Their fridge is filled with cans of Diet Coke and their water heater doesn't work. He doesn't smoke (up) anymore.

42 thoughts on “Revenge Of The Idiots

  1. You didn’t punch his nose????

    I would have for sure…nothing and no amount of persuasion can make me spoil my sunday, am way to selfish and looks like u r a sweet fren to have 🙂

    Don’t let such idiots take u for granted

  2. Im trying to figure out what to comment for this post. This is the funniest post ever !!! It took 20 mins to come up with this itself.

    ” Three in the afternoon on the roads of Bangalore is like being killed and transported to Hell ………sweat dripping off your face and crusts of dirt and tar sticking to every part of your face.”
    Thats, one lonnng sentence, maan !

    and I hope that idiot reads this !!!

  3. I can hear the laugh and the crack of the whip too! 😀 The sound resonates here from there 😉 Oh you poor yo-yo!! To be called out on a hot sunday afternoon for something sooooo “important” 🙂
    I would have flipped!! So, how many bakras did the guy manage to get?!

    And you did all this for some one you hate or did you hate him after this?!
    “She belonged in a museum, under the “Tools of the Neanderthal” section…” have you got an upgraded one..from may be the “Tools of the modern man” section??

  4. whoa chain money business.
    which has proved over and over again in the past that it just wont work !!!!

    You should have bashed him.

    Once I met a guy at the chicken store (yes you heard it right) he introduced himself and gave me his card. To be nice I gave my card too. And then he called said he wanted to start a business and this is what he had in mind. Money Chain.

    I gave him a lecture on how it doesnt work and said it would be best if he quit.
    I hope he did.

  5. btw, A refuses that Mr.Potato head is an idiot and refuses to accept that the pic represents an evil twin (well he does not know what a twin is I think!?!?)

  6. Yes someone I know has been pestered by an acquaintance for such a scheme. These people as soon as enroll themselves as agents start calling up every person they have ever known in life and whenever you meet them they have only song to sing. Its as if money makes them stop thinking beyond trapping poor souls. Makes them no different from the Devil !!
    Nice and funny post. I see u finally used the image. 🙂

  7. LOL! Was the company called Cymbionic by any chance?? They are all variants or Amway/Quixtar and the like. Poor, poor you!

  8. Ohh,Multi Level Marketing schemes!!These idiots are coming up with new and new definitions like, “It is not a member making scheme,but a leader making scheme.”
    It must be Amway I suppose. Idiots are idiots. How come they don’t lose their self-respect even when people start avoiding them I don’t understand. Same song of MLMs everywhere, to every person they meet! They deserve spit on their pants 😀

  9. Greedy devils. They would do anything for money. They just blindly believe that you can earn money without work. Even if you are investing in the stock market, you are working by thinking. This is sorta like Amway or Quixtar.

  10. These chain businesses were quite the fad at one time, but now few people fall for it. People had tried to rope me in too once! Nicely written Nikhil

  11. @Smita
    LOL… Trust me, I wanted to! But common sense prevailed… Haven’t heard from the idiot since! 🙂

    Hehehehehehehe!!! 😀

    Tools of the modern man? Hmmm… Plastic cell phone? 😉
    And you have to convince A that this is Mr. Potato Head’s evil twin…

    Haha! Seriously,… But no one’s approached me like that, though.. I’d probably just slap them… 😀

    Hehe! Yeah… And thanks for the image…
    Devil? Don’t discredit the son of Satan so badly… There people are worse than Him… 😀

    Welcome to MirrorCracked! 😀
    I don’t remember the name, but it was something weird like that only… 😀

    Haha! Could be a branch… 😀

    Yup… Morons are everywhere… 🙂

    Yeah man… It doesn’t take much to brainwash these freaks… 🙂

    Thanks Nita… I wish I could have just bashed the idiot’s head in… 😀

  12. I remember some people in my company being obsessed with this money-making scheme..They used to talk about it at lunch, on orkut..always planning on how to get more people to join them so that their commission increases..Sad!

  13. you just got saved at the nick of time, man! Good to see that!
    But seriously there is no dearth of such idiots who can believe in such stuffs! There are some specimens in my office too who keep fwding so-called-mails from microsoft whereby they will get some money with each fwd!!!!!
    And they believe that bullshit grrr

  14. Awwwwww… poor yo-yo!! Was it AMWAY??? 😛 😛 Have had this experience and i swear i wanted to hit the idiot’s face then and there.. i would have, had the person not belonged to my in-law side!!!

    The said person also wanted me to buy a pack of powder which costed Rs. 1600/- for 25 gms… Rs.1600/- canyou imagine that… i told him that my total cosmetic cost till date collectively used over my entire life will never equate that! 🙄

    Since then he has not come to our house… 😈 hee…heee…heee…

  15. Ha ha.. Was it Qwest? I too was asked to enroll into it by a very good friend of mine who now regrets joining it. It was something like buying Rajkumar or some iconic gold coin worth 30K and referral schemes. I was wondering how so many educated fools can become such fools… Believe me there were hundreds of s/w engineers:) And the worst part, she did not even get the gold coin.

  16. hehehe 😀
    i too had gone for a similar seminar.. it was for Forever Living products..
    we had to convince people to buy those aloe vera products worth Rs. 1300- Rs. 3000 /- .. n we’d get commission on those!!
    There were also people who had actually earned that much and were advertising how their “experience” was… 😀

  17. Dude you fell for this shit he he he he…. Happened to me too once. Guys called to his house and explained the stupid chain and how I can make 1 Lakh per month, I was very polite for first 5 mins and after that I couldn’t take it anymore and gave him piece of my mind for wasting my time….Sad thing is they believe the bullshit.

    Anyways as someone said “There is an Idiot born every three seconds ” 😀

  18. Are you sure he s really a software engineer? Whoever gave him a job?
    And he called you all the way just to attend a petty presentation in which you are not interested. Huh! He’s lost it, completely. At least you can make 500 Rs by taking him to NIMHANS.

  19. Was this that QUEST thingy? One of my intelligent friends became an idiot due to this and wanted me to join him. He had managed to spoil my friday evening back then 😦

  20. that gold coin is a poor excuse, spoiling the suspense is another.

    Its not easy to earn money in business. His approach to the customer was real bad, must hav first introduced you before calling you to come that far and souring the mood.

    some people will remain noobs by choice :p

  21. hahahha….too much!!

    As i started readin…i thought this guy is really rude..callin some (so called) friend of his IDIOT…but now…I agree completely..the guy deserves to be called an IDIOT 😀

  22. LOL!!
    Very apt description of bangalore!!
    I heard of that gold coin scheme too…in 9th…and knew right away that its a rip off…really, only suckers and losers fall for such shams…

  23. @Sheba
    Welcome to MirrorCracked!
    Yeah, it’s quite sad to see logical people fall for it!

    Hahahaha!! Yeah, I’ve got that microsoft mail! How absurd! 🙂

    Hahahahaah!!! Cosmetic woes!
    And no, i don’t think it was amway.. Some other moron company!

    Welcome to MirrorCracked!
    Nah, it wasn’t Qwest… Some weirder name… 🙂
    Reminds me of that Iron Maiden song called Educated Fools! LOL…

    Hehehe!! Poor sods! 🙂

    I did not fall for it, thankfully!
    Hahaha! Every three seconds? I thought it was every 1.245 seconds! 🙂

    Haha! I pity the software industry!
    He probably caused the recession!! Hehehe!!

    No man, not Qwest… Some weirder name… LOL…
    Haha! Such people should be shot..! 🙂

    Haha! Knee-Kill.!!

    @ T
    Welcome back, macha!
    Hehehe! I like that word – Noobs!

    Welcome to MirrorCracked!
    Hehehe! Thanks, I’m glad you approve! 🙂

    @Tara Prasad
    Wow, welcome back!
    Long time, no see?? 🙂

    Hehe! I still can’t get over your name! 🙂

    Haha! Yeah! 🙂
    They got you while you were in 9th only??

  24. “referral fee is you sign up.” – you mean referral fee “if” you sign up I guess..!!

    My My! True true god’s Yo – Yo! I have heard and have also been tried to be set up on such schemes, which I have flatly refused. What has amazed me even more is that some people whom I know in HongKong and States have also very nicely signed up for these kinda schemes…!! Grrr…! Sure, nice looking rocks would have made it a more entertaining presentation.

  25. @Deeps
    Haha! Thanks for pointing out the typo..! 🙂
    And yeah, it’s so sad.. I wonder what happened to that idiot… He probably caused the recession single-handedly! 🙂

  26. My mom was offered the same thing for cosmetic products by some aunty. Thankfully we laughed it off.
    And make sure that you know the exact reasons before you ruin your Sunday like this. I would have tied that guy behind the bike and made him run. 😉

  27. haha this one took u for a ride dint he?? 😉 but seriously there is this one thing about idiots- u go looking for one n u find the whole lot of them 😉 🙂

  28. made a journey in banglore traffic just for that chain money business…whoa.. I will surely proken that idiots head. But the way you expressed it and the last twist you have given power cut and

    /*Life mocks me*/
    still laughing man 🙂 😛 😀

  29. You should’ve simply made up an excuse that you were too busy (like, for instance, going to an excursion/trekking/swimming/shopping) with an imaginary set of friends. I also got an invite sometime ago but I had my own priorities, and simply had to say”NO”. Trust me it does take time to learn it. :/

  30. MAN!!! I thought you were god’s yo-yo. Now you tell me the devil is involved too? We yo-yo’s must watch our backs dude. 😀

  31. this reminds me of another same funda -it was called e biz ,n some students hyped it around in our coll,they made statements like “you can drive around in a merc within 6months of entering this ” ! 2 of my frnds came home,gave me a ppt for 2 hrs,tried their best to brain wash me,can u imagine tat ! my parents were more bugged than i was ! n totally pissing off 🙂 this post brought back those annoying memories ! 🙂 n come on,god’s not always unfair to u 🙂

  32. I looked around for a sizable stone to bash his head in, but refrained myself. Too many witnesses around. I could never make it look like a suicide.

    That was fantastic !!!!!

  33. Lol, shameless leeches. What I can’t get over is that you actually traveled through Bangalore traffic on a scorching Sunday! What were you thinking?!

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