The Feminist In Me

the-female-brainA long, long time ago Nita had tagged me and asked me to share my views on Feminism. The explanation she gave for tagging me was, “…since you like women so much…”

I thought about it for a long time, and finally assembled all that I had to say on the topic. So, here goes.

I need to make a few things perfectly clear to all my readers – I am not any of the following:

  1. An Asshole
  2. A Male Chauvinistic Pig
  3. A Womanizer
  4. A Bimbo
  5. A Gigolo
  6. A Stalker

Okay, now that the necessary evil’s out of the way, I can safely recall an incident that happened a few years ago. I was debating in a college fest and it was an impromptu event. I walked up on the stage and picked up a chit. To my horror, the topic was: “Men are the blueprints and women are the masterpiece.”

I gulped and started my talk with the words, “Men are pigs…” and went on to win the debate. I think men are a very confused race. We think we are more capable than women, we think we can achieve far greater things than women, we think we are God’s gift to women and we think we are mentally, emotionally and physically stronger than women.

We are not.

We think we can understand women. We think we can out-think women. We think we can handle emergencies better than women. We think we can survive without women. We think we can survive.

We cannot.

One of the most glaring aspects of the male-female divide is the delusions of grandeur that men seem to have picked up somewhere along the line of evolution. This reminds me of an article I’d written called The Inner Workings Of The Female Brain:

“… the present day situation demands more caution on the part of the male. The female brain has quickly analyzed the greatest weakness that the Y-chromosome accords to us. It is that, while the man has to spend his time, money and efforts to woo the girl, she on the other hand just has to smile, and the guy’s hers! […] If Sigmund Freud were alive today, he would have called the male populace of the planet as a “sad bunch of toilet-tissue-emulators!”  Though we must be ashamed of ourselves, not to mention cautious, we’re neither, and end up being the receiving end of nitrogenous treatments meted out to us by the female.

More than everything, the female brain has evolved so quickly, that when we were still trying to make faces at ourselves by looking at our reflection in the river, the female was busy creating masks…”

So, men need to learn the basics right and learn to respect women. It’ll take us a long time to unlearn habits like raising an eyebrow when we see a woman driving a car and smiling when we see a woman traffic cop. It’s also about time we learn that women make better politicians and better bosses.

PS: Okay, maybe I am an asshole in certain situations where I don’t return phone calls, but that’s in self-defense – I usually find myself associated with a lot of psychotic girlfriends! 😀

On This Fine Monday Morning…

monday_blues… I’m sure most of us don’t want to be here. We’d much rather be lounging in our warm and cozy beds, curled up with a good novel with a cup of hot steaming tea/coffee on the small table next to the bed. Better than that would be to be asleep, dreaming of Coyote Ugly. Ah well, the little pleasures of life aren’t meant for a Monday.

I woke up this morning feeling impotent. No, don’t get me wrong. I meant it in the non-obvious way – my whole weekend was a blur. I had high hopes of experiencing heaven on Saturday, and no matter how much I tried, I just couldn’t get there.

Damn, reading that last sentence, I feel so pervert. Ok, I’ll clear the air – I think I’ve lost my ability to get drunk!

There, I’ve said it. It feels better now that it’s in the open. I feel so impotent, so insecure, so incomplete. Despite my promise to Shefaly Auntie that I wouldn’t drink this weekend and instead would do some soul-searching, the best way to handle temptations is to give in to them. So, I drank.

I started at 11:00 am on Saturday and drank all the way up to 6:00 pm, and even though everyone around me was smashed, I was sober. I was as sober as I’ve always been – not even tipsy! I was scared. I felt less of a man. I felt, and still feel impotent. Have I lost it? Am I on a constant high that I don’t climb any more? I need professional help, I think. Not AA, as I’m not an alcoholic – I drink only on weekends; I think I need to do something about this. Maybe take a week off and drink until I can’t stand and can’t remember my name. Maybe it’ll work.

On a more pleasant note, I opened my mail today and saw that I had won the Blog Of The Day award. Three cheers to whoever nominated me, and a round of beer for all the rockstars at the BOTDA! 🙂

Happy Monday to all.

Advice to drunkards: Preserve your manhood. Get high. 😀

The Great Banana Run! :)

ba~nan~a

[buh-nan-uh]

noun

1. a tropical plant of the genus Musa, certain species of which are cultivated for their nutritious fruit.
2. the fruit, esp. that of M. paradisiaca, with yellow or reddish rind.

the Great Banana RunOne of the more fascinating aspects of being cooped up in a room that stinks worse than a ten-year-old freshly dug-up coffin is the ease with which we can find blackened banana skins in the most unexpected places. I found seventeen last night.

My brother doesn’t clean his room. Ever. I think the last time the room faced the business end of a broom and a mop was when it was built, more than a thousand years ago. We exchanged rooms for the night as he said he had to prepare for an exam and needed the computer all night. My guess is as good as yours – I found three porn sites in the internet history later. But anyway, I don’t want to digress into a 19-year-old’s late night exploits.

Entering his room is akin to stepping out of civilization and entering a neanderthal realm of sabre-tooth tigers, mammoths, man-eating men and rotting food. I stepped into a half-eaten box of ice cream lying on the floor, as soon as I entered the room. This should’ve warned me what to expect, but I blissfully ignored it and crept in to the bed. It was unusually warm and cozy.

Unfortunately, the warmth was due to the fact that the bed was partly drenched with fresh coffee, and I hadn’t noticed it in the darkness. I changed the sheets and crept in again, and realized that the pillow seemed to emanate a strange smell, that distinctly reminded me of the frog dissections I used to do in school. And there it was, under the pillow, nestled snugly, the first of the blackened banana skins.

I realized that I can’t sleep unless I was satisfied that nothing else was hidden in the bed. I stripped the bed of all sheets and turned over the mattress, and immediately, cursed myself for doing so. In the midst of a couple of cockroach corpses and old newspapers and new porn magazines, I found sixteen more banana skins.

I spent the night in the living room, on the couch – safer and a lot wiser.

PS: I got a pounding from the creep this morning for destroying the chaotic sanctity of his room. A great start to the day.

Interview With ‘The Pakistani Spectator’

42-17214728Something interesting happened yesterday. This online newsletter called The Pakistani Spectator interviewed me about my blog and published the interview on their site. I was pleasantly surprised.

(Of course, I was a bit apprehensive to begin with, and I researched the site completely, spoke to people who read it and only after I assured myself that I wasn’t going to regret it did I respond to the questionnaire.)

Excerpts:

  1. Would you please tell us something about you and your site?
    I’m a 24-year-old guy, living in Bangalore (India) and I currently work for public relations firm. Previously, I’ve worked as a Java developer, a journalist and a cancer researcher, in India and New York. […] MirrorCracked is a blog that people can visit to have a laugh. No matter what the situation, there’s always something in MirrorCracked that’ll make the readers smile…

  2. I’m wondering what some of your memorable experiences are with blogging?
    I think I’ve met some fascinating people through my blogs, and one of the most memorable experiences was to organize and coordinate a bloggers’ meet […] It was an amazing learning experience, something that I’m looking forward to again.

  3. Do you feel that you continue to grow in your writing the longer you write? Why is that important to you?
    I’ve been writing all my life. I’m a published author, and I feel that a blog is an ideal platform for people to showcase their writing skills. […] The more I write, I personally feel that the better I get at it. It’s a constant process of learning, which I hope many bloggers realize.

You can read the complete interview here.

Comebacks And Undeserving Awards!

Wow, I needed that break. I feel refreshed and I have that urge to impart my nonsensical wisdom again. I think bloggers need a break from time to time to gather their thoughts and make a comeback, when things seem to go downhill as far as the quality of the posts are concerned.

Of course, few bloggers take a break because they embark on a journey from which there is no turning back – they get married.

There’s a lot of love happening in the blogosphere nowadays and I choked on my cheeseballs (Er, no puns, they were cheeseballs – the edible kind) when I heard that Vimal is no longer single. For ditching Club Singles, I am tempted to scream at him, but I’ll swallow my pride and wish him all the best.

Speaking about comebacks and marriages, Scorpria made a comeback yesterday, after a hiatus of 5 weeks. I won’t mince words – she got married. On behalf of everyone in the blogosphere, please accept my sincere condolences. But, I did like her comeback, though. I declare her the The Comeback Queen, and as a wedding present, I give her this very nice plaque (Er, I mean it in strictly non-dental terms).

comeback1

Vimal and Smita gave me a few awards while I was away chasing sea monkeys:

  1. The Butterfly Award, for the coolest blog.
  2. The Proximity Blog Award, for investing and believing in proximity – nearness in space, time and relationships.

butterfly-award

Gee, I’m honored, and I don’t know if I really deserve these accolades. A lot of people would agree with me and call me a cranky old hag.

As far as I’m concerned, everyone who blogs deserves this award. I think I’ll take the diplomatic route on this one and give away these awards to everyone who reads this post, but in particular, I insist that these five bloggers accept it. I’d like to draw the readers’ attention to these fascinating bloggers, who’re new to me:

  1. Valerine, who’s learning the ropes, and prefers to call me the Blog Guru, instead of the Love Guru.
  2. Alice, who wasn’t whom I thought she was.
  3. Hope, who’s quite ruthless.
  4. Kiran, who hunted me down on Facebook, and
  5. Shoe Girl, who owes me an email.

I am also supposed to do a couple of tags. I’m back to my one-post-a-day routine, now that I’m completely broke after my shopping escapades. Had a couple of yo-yo moments, obviously, which I’ll share soon.

Cheers to all! 🙂

Going Krazr!

My new Krazr!
My new Krazr!

Things are happening too fast around here for me to keep up. I just bought a new phone and I’m going totally bonkers over it! Got a few things to complete and a few weddings to crash and no less than seventeen Christmas presents to buy.

I’ll be back in a day or two. Pray for my safe return for I’m going shopping! If I don’t come back in the stipulated time frame, assume that I’m dead, and send in your obituaries. I will be reduced to another mere statistic – Death By Shopping.

Cheers! 🙂

A Conversation With God :)

Ads by God

Me: Hey God, what’s up?

God: Nothing much. You tell me.

Me: You know that this isn’t really happening and that I’m either stoned or drunk.

God: Yes, I do realize it. What can we do about it?

Me: Nothing, I guess. Let’s make a deal, shall we?

God: What?

Me: You promise me that you’ll leave me alone and I’ll promise you that I’ll not spread rumors about you.

God: You’ve been spreading rumors about me?

Me: Uh… No, forget that.

God: No, no! Tell me, what rumors have you been spreading about me?

Me: Nothing, God. Nothing. Let’s move on, shall we?

God: I don’t think so, Nikhil. Tell me now!

Me: (Shit!) Er, are you sure you want me to do that?

God: Um, yeah.

Me: I’ve been telling people that… that you… you are… Hey, did you watch that new movie? Isn’t that cool?

God: Don’t change the frikkin topic, dude.

Me: (Oh Crap!) Look, God. You’re a decent guy. And I’m sure you’re rational, to an extent. Let bygones be bygones. What say?

God: More than rational, I’m a bit more realistic. Now, stop beating around the bush and tell me what nonsense you’ve been telling people about me! Tell me now or I will banish you to an eternity of bloglessness!

Me: (Gulp!) Okay, I’m sorry. I think I should confess. I’ve been telling people that you don’t exist.

God: Hmmm… Really? Is that it? Or are you hiding something?

Me: No, no! That’s it! I swear. I am not lying!

God: May I ask why you did this deed?

Me: Well, I don’t know.. I mean, look at you. You’re this big and powerful entity and you apparently created the whole universe and you’re omnipresent and omnipotential and all that jazz. But you’re never there when people need you, are you?

God: Oh, you’re referring to the recent increase in terrorism, aren’t you?

Me: Terrorism? No, I think a lot of people are already doing that. I’m referring to something much more fundamental.

God: Really? What?

Me: My sense of time – I woke up today and thought it was a Thursday. And on Wednesday, I woke up and thought it was Saturday. What’s happening to me?

God: I think it’s some deep atavistic instinct of yours kicking in.

Me: Oh yeah? Do you see me dangling from a tree branch and scratching myself?

God: In a way, yes. I do.

Me: (Scratching myself) Hmmm… You do have a point there. Maybe it’s time we put an end to this ridiculous conversation and get on with our daily chores.

God: That’s the most intelligent thing you’ve said all your life.

Me: Why, thank you, God! I was running low on sarcasm.

God: Get lost. Bye!

Me: Goodbye! 🙂