flying-assholesSome people are born losers. In my book, they fall into the category of assholes. I’ve written letters to them and ranted about them before, but they never fail to come back and harass me for more. Let me spend a few sentences defining these unique class of people.

Assholes are all around us, living normal lives in the guise of normal people. They will smile with you, laugh with you, hang out with you for a few beers, and when the time is right, ask you for a lot of money. Well, it’s not usually the money, but more often than not, they’ll ask you for money when you’re broke and when you’d rather kill someone for some excitement in life. Assholes are those people you’d much rather block in your chats and social network sites. Assholes are those people who are stored as “Moron” or “That Guy” in your phone, whose call you’d much rather ignore than receive. Assholes are people who have a stupid look in their eyes all the time and they never fail to annoy everyone around them with their constant stream of daft moments. Assholes are men, women and children who have either been dropped on their heads as kids or have been at the receiving end of scandalous posts like these. Assholes have been written about in books and sung about in songs and pushed around on the streets.

assholesAssholes are God’s way of giving us the much-needed confidence in ourselves and our stupidity, which is always overshadowed by theirs. We tend to live our lives in the happy conclusion that we’re geniuses and that people like Einstein and Edison were but an anomaly. We become over-confident in our subtlety and never fail to obfuscate our decisions with our doubts when we’re around assholes. They scream into our ear for a pittance of importance and usually are pity-sponges. Oh, I’ve known a lot of assholes in my life. Too many, in fact.

I bumped into perhaps the two hundredth asshole this month yesterday, when he pinged me on Gtalk and typed this:


The homophobic part of me immediately blocked this guy from my chats and my Facebook/Orkut profiles and I changed his name to “Stink” in my phone. I have no idea why men tend to cross the line and do/say things that are specifically meant for women. I don’t mind if women do that, but men saying *HUGS* and *KISSES* is just too freaky. Sue me, but I don’t think it’s right! πŸ˜€

gtalk_profileThis guy was a classmate of a friend of mine, and I had met him just twice or thrice before in my life. He has absolutely no business giving me virtual Hugs when he hasn’t spoken to me or chatted with me for well over two years. Maybe he just realized that he wasn’t straight and since my Gtalk profile picture is so cute/hot/sexy, he probably thought he’d hit on me. The price one has to pay for being handsome, I tell you! (Gee, I’m so full of myself, aren’t I? πŸ˜€ )

So anyway, this guy does not stop there. He goes on to mail me some bullshit about how he’s in Sydney right now and how he’s working in a bank there and how he finds it lonely there and misses all of us. What really freaked me out was that his email was in different colors – the first paragraph was pink, the second was orange and so on. There were animated bells ringing on the edges of the email and the whole thing looked like a hideously distorted rainbow.

I deleted the mail immediately and looked out the window to the bright blue skies with the rolling white clouds and said, “Why me, God?” πŸ˜€

Cartoon Courtesy: Cartoonstock.com

Published by Nikhil

Nikhil Kumar lives in Bangalore with his wife and their stuffed dog. They are both advertising professionals and lead very exciting lives on the streets, dodging traffic. Their fridge is filled with cans of Diet Coke and their water heater doesn't work. He doesn't smoke (up) anymore.

39 thoughts on “*HUGS*, *KISSES*, *ASSHOLES*…

  1. First.

    Trolls are everywhere, I had read god make a fool every 3 seconds, I think he has implemented factory automation ‘Made In China’ and production is really high.

    Once we(friends and co-workers) were discussing cars and I said my dad is planning to by Civic. One of the morons:”Honda Civic”, I said no “Tata Civic”, he was actually emotionally hurt when people started laughing. Now I will forward him this post πŸ™‚ LOL

  2. Gee! you really are full of yourself πŸ˜‰ Though you should remember it was a guy hitting on you! Ok..that was the mean streak that has rubbed off talking!! πŸ˜€

    You certainly have weird adventures!! Could we call these that?

  3. Take this on a positive side dude !!

    You are too adorable, likeable ( or lovable ;-)) that even if someone is not in touch with you since two years, he(or sometimes she) still wants to talk to u, chat with u, email u and wants emotional support from u in his/her lonely time .. U truly are a rockstar !!

    LOL !! .. Nice post though !! .. Had fun reading it !!

  4. Back to the yo-yo days,huh?

    I would freak out even if some random woman says Hugs and Kisses to me! Cant even imagine how I would react if a guy does that !! You are one cursed soul with the kind of people you have moved around in the past πŸ™‚

    A guy calling you all the way to get you into some network marketing, another one to slap you,c a couple of trolls sending you mails/comments and now this !!! LOL πŸ˜€

  5. And god says, ‘why else do you think i made you hot, handsome & cute. Help the mankind and don’t delete the mail next time otherwise instead of mail you directly recieve A Male’

  6. And god says, ‘why else do you think i made you hot, handsome & cute. Help the mankind and don’t delete the mail next time otherwise instead of mail you will directly recieve A Male’

  7. @Apar
    Hehehe!! I am proud of you! πŸ˜‰

    Yeah, I’ve had my share! πŸ˜€

    Response censored, but will be shown anyway: What the fuck!? πŸ˜€

    I am! I am! πŸ˜€

    Hehehe!! Thanks man! πŸ˜€

    Finally, someone who agrees with me! Thank you, macha! πŸ˜€

    Hehehe!! Play on words, eh? πŸ™‚

    Welcome to MirrorCracked! πŸ˜€
    That someone has my prayers… Thanks for sharing! πŸ™‚

    Oh, that would be an understatement! πŸ˜€

  8. The biggest asshole I have ever come across in my life is one guy in our college who is from Bengal. Flirts around with (almost) every girl in the college and when the girl or us (friends) come to know that he is flirting he’ll start calling her his sister or in his words, “No dude she’s like my Didi” B-a-l-l-z to him!

    And ya the *kisses* did remind me of something about this guy. He called on of my friend at 3am and he asked for kiss. Now that tags him a perfect asshole 😐

  9. @Manushi
    If he isn’t, then I’d hate myself! πŸ˜€

    Hahahaha!! What a screwball! 3 am for a kiss?? Damn! Dude, lets hunt the asshole down and rid the world of some scum! πŸ˜€

    Hehehe! Yeah! I guess so! πŸ˜€

    I’m waiting.

  10. Hahahahaha!!! πŸ˜€ I remember one guy had added me on yahoo one day, and after sometime, asked me if I was free that night so that he could come home and give me a body massage 😐 ….!!!!!

  11. oh.. I’ve had the bad luck of meeting various assholes of completely different tendencies and levels of asshole-nss… (More on that later.. πŸ˜€ ) So I can completely understand you pain… πŸ˜›

    I used to christian them on my phone as bull (bull-dog or bull-shit.. you can take your pik.. frankly, I could never decide myself.. ); A-hole ; Crappy piece of shit and the likes… The last one was actually for my dear dear ex… πŸ˜€ πŸ˜€

  12. hehehehe.. πŸ˜€

    I agree with you on this…
    I tell you, it’s all because of your sexy gtalk profile pix! Change it immediately, man! πŸ˜€

  13. @Nick
    Oh my!! If that guy was referring to your wordpress profile pic, then he’s a paedophile! πŸ˜€

    Oh wow, I would rather not be your future ex if that’s how you treat them!! πŸ˜€
    And I think you mean ‘christen’… πŸ˜€

    Nah, let it be… It’s worth the trouble if I can get chicks! πŸ˜€

    Sigh, you understand me! πŸ˜€

    Welcome to MirrorCracked! πŸ˜€
    Glad you liked it! πŸ˜€

  14. hahah !
    so you got rid of this troll …

    hugs *** kisses ** should have returned it back with a smelly fart and then blocked him asap πŸ˜† πŸ˜›

  15. Ha Ha Ha πŸ™‚ you are so so adorable indeed πŸ™‚
    and if that guy reads this post, and mails you back that will be more fun!

  16. You know its Dutt mania these days. So may be your friend was trying to be like Munnabhai giving you a jaado ki jhappi.


  17. Hahaha..Why Nikhil,God? Why?

    And Congrats ! Yet another post(I Want To Be Impulsive)on Bangalore Mirror πŸ™‚

  18. Nice one. πŸ™‚ As a lot of people have said, it’s the price you pay for being such a good-looking man.

    Quirky Indian

  19. “What really freaked me out was that his email was in different colors – the first paragraph was pink, the second was orange and so on. There were animated bells ringing on the edges of the email and the whole thing looked like a hideously distorted rainbow.”


    dude i cant stop laughing on this one… ha ha ha… finally you ranted about it… lol πŸ˜€

  20. @Arpit
    Hehehe!! Yeah! Good idea! πŸ˜€

    Oh boy, indeed! πŸ˜€

    I think he’s just plain gay! πŸ˜€

    Hahaha! thanks! πŸ˜€
    I don’t wanna know what he’d do when he reads this! πŸ˜€

    Welcome to MirrorCracked! πŸ˜€
    The goatee? Seriously?? πŸ˜€

    Hahaha!! Whoa, what a theory! πŸ˜€

    Hey, thanks! πŸ˜€
    I saw that article today! πŸ˜€

    Yup… Very true! πŸ˜€

    Hehehe! Yeah, about time, right? πŸ˜€

    Welcome to MirrorCracked! πŸ˜€
    And, LOL… Shut up! πŸ˜›

  21. I am working with one right now!!! He is terrible. Stuck in the wrong job and completely clueless and I am paying the price! 😦

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