Yeah, Yeah… I Know!

I know, I know… I’m dead. That’s why I’m not updating this space and haven’t been available online and haven’t done much online of late. I died in my sleep during a dream in which I was dying in my sleep.

However, I have the power of reincarnation (what with me being God and all). So, if you’re patient enough, you might see me resurrect myself soon. In the meantime, if you happen to glance out of your window and see someone running naked, then it’s probably me.

Play safe! I’ll be back! 🙂

The Stupidity Index

Over time, we have evolved into something resembling a cross between an upright chimp and a hairy stink ball. I’m not kidding. Have you counted the number of hairs on your body lately? You’ll be astonished.

Anyway, when Charles Darwin wrote the ‘Origin Of species,’ he overlooked one major fact – The Stupidity Index. Scientists at the MirrorCracked Labs, who were tragically killed in a laboratory experiment a few months ago, were working on the concept in inborn intelligence. (This is the reason the MirrorCracked Labs’ blog has been neglected. I lost seven of the most reputed scientists in a freak accident, when they were testing the inflammatory properties of compressed natural gas.)

During the fire, all the research data was lost and the entire lab complex was gutted. While sifting through the debris, I found a half-burnt paper titled ‘The Stupidity Index,’ which explained why every single human being alive today is as stupid as a doorknob. People who don’t agree to this fact are living in denial.

Excerpts from the paper:

[…] We are all born with a Stupidity Index of 3. The scale is from 0 to 5, where 0 is the least stupid and 5 is the most stupid. The scale is explained thus:

stupidity-index
I am at 4. What about you? Assess yourself. You’ll be surprised to know where you stand. I apologize for the quality of the image. The fire nearly destroyed this too.

PS: Please observe a moment’s silence for the tragic deaths of the scientists of the MirrorCracked Labs. And go get drunk. They’d like that.

Chennai Chronicles…

Corn And Cheese :)
Corn And Cheese 🙂

This will be a short one. I just got back this morning from Chennai, after spending 3 days  of the long weekend there. These are some of the highlights:

  1. My belt broke on my way to the bus stand, Thursday night. My pant was a bit too loose and I spent the journey in mortal fear of being arrested for indecent exposure.
  2. The bus, when I finally boarded it, was a bit too stuffy, because of a lack of an air-conditioner. I sweated my way to a fitful sleep.
  3. On reaching Chennai, I had 10 cigarettes and no matches to light them with.
  4. I had 11 meetings throughout the long weekend and still did not get my jobs done.
  5. I realized that ‘Darjeeling Tea’ in five-star hotels is actually hot, tea-flavored water. And it costs way too much!
  6. Drank white wine in water glasses and drank water in wine glasses.
  7. I’m not suited for a humid weather. I can’t survive in coastal cities, because I can single-handedly solve the nation’s water problems by sweating.
  8. ‘Egg Masala’ in Chennai is actually a boiled egg with salt and red pepper sprinkled on it.
  9. I can’t speak Tamil to save my life. And, a weird, throaty combination of Hindi and Kannada makes a bad substitute.
  10. One of the three changes of underwear I had brought along belonged to my terrorist brother. So, I was stuck in Chennai for three days with only two changes of underwear. You don’t want to know what I did.
  11. Met Archie, Arvind, Vishesh, Apar and Aparna in a small bloggers’ meet. Yeah, I met Vishesh. I’m not kidding. He’s for real.
  12. On the way back, I got stuck in the very last seat of a ridiculous excuse of a bus, in between two people who gave me a run for my money in the sweating department.
  13. Every time the bus hit a bump, I was flying high, literally.
  14. I arrived this morning in Bangalore, sleep deprived, but in one piece.

Phew, not quite a short one, eh?

What’s Gotten Me So Excited?

calvin-naked1For the past three days, I’ve been running around town butt-naked  screaming “Eureka” on top of my voice. I’ve been jumping up and down screaming nonsense and thumping everyone I meet on their backs. I’ve been gazing up at the stars and smiling broadly to myself, oblivious to the stares and sniggers and calls of “Loony” and content with myself and my nudity life. I’ve been on top of the world. I’m on cloud number nine and I want to go higher. And I wasn’t even drunk.

So, what’s gotten me into this phase? Could it be a promotion? Could it be a pay-hike? Could it be that I met the girl of my dreams? Could it be that I’ve finally realized how stifling clothes are? Could it be that I’m finally run out of sanity? No. I think it’s something else.

A decision that’s been weighing on me for the longest time; a decision that was bound to break barriers and make some noise; a decision that promises to put my whole life into upheaval and turmoil for a long time; a move that could make or break me; a move that would define who I am and what I’m made of; a decision that should be made once in a lifetime. I took that decision.

I’ll reveal what that is a bit later. Right now, I’m busy running around naked.

The World’s Best Statement Of Purpose!

I must confess that I wrote this for a friend three years ago, after a particularly frustrating year of helping her apply for schools in the US of A. As you can imagine, she hasn’t spoken to me since.

STATEMENT OF PURPOSE

“Ignorance is Bliss..”

Statement of PurposeThe above statement is true in my case. I have absolutely no knowledge or skill. I don’t even know why I am writing this. All I know is that I was forced to study right from my first grade onwards, and after 22 long years, I finished my ten-year-schooling. I’ve heard that your university is the least respected, and the one with the least academic requirements, and so, here I am, applying to you.

The drive to study life sciences was instilled in me by one of my uncles, who, during his fourth rape session with me, warned me about the dangers of HIV and AIDS. This left a huge impact on my ten-year-old mind. And all our subsequent rape sessions have been with protection, and I was always eager to know more.

If people call you a jerk ten times, does it actually mean that you’re a jerk? I don’t think so. Because I’ve been called a jerk a million times, and I still don’t think I am a jerk. The best part of accepting me in your university would be that I will not interfere with the amazing research going on there. I will stay away from all the professors and let them carry on with their great work. I particularly liked the research going on about why the cock crows only in the morning. I have a few theories about this which I would be happy to share with you, for a stipend of course. Knowledge doesn’t come free, you see.

Anyway, I am looking forward to working with you people and I hope you grant me admission. I will be invaluable to the university as a perfect scapegoat. I am great as a partner, especially for the male population in the university and they can dip their cookie in my coffee (Wink! Wink! Know what I mean??) whenever they want.

Thank you,
A poor, misinformed girl from somewhere.

Image Courtesy: Kaaledge.com

Return Of The Yo-Yo: The Yellow School Bus :)

Three interesting things happened yesterday, which forced me to come out of my forced hibernation and write a post, in order to enlighten the world about the interesting things that happened yesterday. By the way, I’ve been experimenting with redundancy in my sentences, and I think it’s working quite well.

1. The Yellow School Bus:

school-bus1:30 in the afternoon, melting under the unusually hot sun in the middle of Bangalore, sitting hunched up in a tiny auto with two other people, afraid to move for fear of falling out of the ridiculous excuse for a motor vehicle, and wondering when the horror would end. We were on our way to a meeting and the ride would normally take 40 minutes. But yesterday, we stuck behind a yellow school bus for most of the journey, and took us close to 90 minutes to reach. Once we reached, we had to resort to acrobatic stunts (that would’ve made the Russian gymnastic team from the last Olympics Games proud) to get out.

I didn’t give it much thought at that time, mainly because I was too busy setting my spine in order, but then, as the day wore on, I realized it was something ominous.

2. The Yellow School Bus:

school-bus5:15 in the evening, stuffed into a small white cab, driving back to office after the tremendously long and boring meeting, and wondering when the horror would end. The ride back to office usually takes just 30 minutes because of the general lack of traffic in that direction. But yesterday, we were stuck behind a yellow school bus for most of the way, and it took us more than an hour to get back.

I was beginning to think something was up. I glanced up at the sky and heard the faint hint of laughter fading away. Was the yo-yo trend coming back? I shuddered and ran into the safety of my cubicle.

3. The Yellow School Bus:

school-bus9:30 in the night, loud music blaring through my ear plugs, I was riding my rickety bike back home. the roads were surprisingly devoid of traffic last night and I was beginning to think that I’d make it back home well before the usual one-and-a-half hours it takes me. But then, I got stuck behind three yellow school buses that were rolling gently in the middle of the narrow road, leaving me with no chance to overtake them. I didn’t bother honking. I resigned to my fate and thankfully for the heavy music, I did not hear the cacophonous laughter up above.

Open Question: Am I ‘down-to-earth’ if I give up my suit and tie for tattered jeans and T-shirts and fly to the next town in a helicopter?