I’ve been dating ever since I turned 18. To be more specific, this girl at school asked me out on my very first official date on my eighteenth birthday. It was the year 2002 and I was just about to embark on my engineering studies. And my 18th birthday happened to fall exactly one month and two days before college opened. So, I was at home and settling down to a nice quiet birthday on my couch with my favorite TV shows. That’s when Samyukta messaged me. I realized just how much of a mistake it was to reply to the text the next day.
Here they are, by popular demand, the top five worst dates I’ve ever been on.
Samyukta was this tall, lanky chick from my school and she had had a crush on me. I wasn’t always as handsome and charming as I am now, but back then, I had just the right amount of pheromones to attract her. I was also naive and didn’t understand women. In my 10th standard, I used to run down the school corridor and lift up girls’ skirts as they leant against the parapet and laughed. I was that stupid. So anyway, this girl messaged me and asked me if I wanted to go out and have some ice cream. I agreed and we decided to meet at the local Arun Ice Cream parlor around 5 in the evening.
I walked up there at the appropriate time, met her and we both ordered cones. She talked about this and that and commented on my new shirt and my latest hair style (I hadn’t changed my hairstyle since the day I was born). I nodded politely and commented on her dress and pointed out that her ice cream cone was dripping. Once I finished, I got up, washed my hands, thanked her and ran home to watch The Simpsons, which started at 6. I failed to notice that she was still sitting there with a half-eaten cone.
I never heard from her again. I recently got to know that she had gotten married and settled in New Zealand. Oh boy.
Imagine the ugliest woman in the world. Now, multiply that a million. Yeah, that was the first and last blind date I ever went on. I paid 1,500 bucks for my pasta and her sandwich, and I paid more attention to the food and the ambiance in the French restaurant than her. I ran out of there as fast as I could and never called her again. She tried to, but I was always either ‘caught in a meeting’ or ‘busy with some work’ or ‘not in the city’. Trust me, blind dates are meant for people who can’t see.
Of all the places, this happened in New York. She was a fellow member of the BOOBS – Buffalo Organization Of Bangalore Students, and I was fairly attracted to her. I wanted to ask her out but didn’t know how to. Moreover, I was supposed to be in a long-distance relationship back then, which was very quickly going downhill. So, I asked her if she’s ever been asked out on a date before. She said no. So I told her that I would take her out on a ‘dummy’ date and show her exactly how it works. Well, she fell for it and agreed.
We went out to this Indian restaurant in Buffalo called ‘Palace of Dosas’, ordered some $18 dosas and had a pretty nice time. When I dropped her off, she thanked me and said that she’d try this on a guy she was interested in, hugged me, kissed me on the cheek, ruffled my hair and ran inside, leaving me in knee-deep snow. Yeah, I never spoke to that boob again.
This happened in 2007, when I was in between relationships. I had been single for a while now and my job in the PR industry was quite a nightmare. On a relatively easy Friday, I met a girl on Facebook in the morning. added her on gtalk, chatted with her through the afternoon, and got her phone number by 4 pm, called her up, fixed up a coffee date for 6 pm the same evening, met her, had a wonderful time, dropped her back home and got the shock of my life when she asked me if I wanted to come up for a joint of the best weed ever. I was just about to say yes, when she said, “Oh come on, it’ll be fun. I’m sure my boyfriend won’t mind. He’ll be asleep at this time. He works night shifts.”
Yeah, I made and excuse, went home and blocked the weird one from my gtalk.
Interestingly enough, the worst date I’ve ever been on involves two women and a guy. This happened this year at Hard Rock Cafe, in Bangalore. I went in as one girl’s boyfriend, became single inside, became another girl’s random kisser and walked out hand in hand with a homosexual guy who kissed me on the neck and told me he loved me. I’ll spare you the details.