The Dummy’s Guide To Long Distance Relationships

Long Distance Relationships

“Wait a minute! What is this? The Dummy’s Guide? Oh my god, it’s back! It’s back!” screamed one hysterical groupie who ran into me on the street this afternoon. I didn’t know whether to be embarrassed or delighted. In the end, I just managed to nod my head, smile, make appropriate noises, and escape to the safety of my office.

After what seems like a really long time, MirrorCracked is proud to present the rebirth of the Dummy’s Guide series – the self-help guides that guarantee results. For the uninitiated, check out the other guides here.

This time, I write about a topic in which I have done very extensive research – women and relationships. I don’t claim to know all the answers, of course, but I know just about enough that is bound to help all those poor souls who are unlucky enough to be trapped in a long distance relationship. I have an ulterior motive in writing this post, obviously. I, too, am stuck in a long distance relationship with a wonderful woman who amazes me with her sudden bouts of weirdness. After a deja vu morning that saw me relive my gory days of 2006, when I was rapidly losing my mind and my hair over a dead-end long distance relationship in the US, I decided to write this guide to help ease the pain and mental agony that many of my fellow men face in similar situations.

Given below are a list of the top five accusations that a unhinged girlfriend/wife/partner can make against you in a long distance relationship, and the appropriate responses that you can use as rebuttal. These responses are guaranteed to ensure a long-lasting feeling of warmth and love in the unhinged girl’s mind, while totally absolving you of any grief, guilt or need. Here goes.

1. You never have the time to talk to me!

I’m sorry, I’ve been too busy talking to other people about you. I’ve been so held up that I haven’t really had time for anything. Everyone around me seems to want to know about you, and I’ve told the story of how we met and fell in love a million times in the last three days! (For added effect: Each time, with a smile on my face.)

2. You don’t communicate enough! I don’t know what’s happening in your life!

If I don’t communicate enough, it’s probably because there isn’t anything interesting to report. In the past few months, the only interesting thing that has happened to me is YOU. There is nothing else happening with me. Without you around, I lead a very boring life.

3. You are never there when I need you the most!

The obvious thing to say would be, “Well, neither are you, bitch!” but please refrain from doing so. Instead, say this: I know I’ve been preoccupied with certain things of late, but you’re always a priority, darling. I will make sure that I’ll take the effort to be there for you whenever you need me. You’re never off my mind. 

4. I don’t know whether this will work out or not!

Neither did the Shah of Persia, when he set out to walk around the world alone. But he did. He accomplished the seemingly impossible task by sheer faith. Have faith in us, and we will survive. (PS: There was no Shah of Persia, but she need not know that. Forrest Gump is also a good name to use.)

5. My friend saw you with another woman on the bike / car / mall / beach!

It’s true, I won’t deny it. I met a friend from school / college and we went out for a coffee / lunch. She called me a hopeless romantic because all I could talk about was you. 

***

PS: For tips on how to lie effectively to women, wait for my next guide.

PPS: For more information on specific scenarios, feel free to contact me. If I’m alive at the end of the day, I’ll reply to your mails. If not, It’s been sweet knowing you.

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14 thoughts on “The Dummy’s Guide To Long Distance Relationships

  1. Well there goes a lot of effort to chose the right approach to apologize.

    Please ignore the conversations and e-card sent to you few minutes ago. You are not worth it one bit.

    It was good knowing you too.

  2. Hahaha. I love the post AND the comment above. Lol.

    I’m never EVER going to be in a long distance relationship if this is where the guy is gonna get his lines. 😛

  3. U write shit sometimes and this definitely the shittiest thing I have ever read 😉 lol

  4. Awesome stuff dude – Long distance relationships also suffer from status updates on social sites like facebook. It’s kinda a strange how your social page is closely monitored by ‘the long distance girl friend’ and her ‘concerned friends’. As much as a ‘good night out’ is mentioned on your status or wall – all hell breaks out.

    I particularly like number 5. My friend saw you with another woman on the bike / car / mall / beach! My reaction to this would be – I’ve been ill and didn’t go out anywhere (then get your mates to write on facebook ‘get well soon as I’ve not seen you out for a few days’. End Off.

  5. Love your writing style Nikhil…the sarcasm? Makes me feel like I’m reading my own stuff.

    The truth is that I would do fantastic with a long-distance relationship. It’s when the person is breathing down my neck that I have a problem. So apparently…marriage isn’t for me? 🙂

  6. well………..in future if my MAN says any of this thing 2 me (as m in long distance relation ship) i will chop off his head………..

    i guess for all these complaints, a single SORRY n I LUV U BABY is more than enough 🙂

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