The ‘Butt’on Brigade

This post is for the person who gave me that screwball lecture on Global Warming,   😀

I sat through a long discourse on global warming and how it’ll affect the kind of clothes we wear on a daily basis. Apparently, the Earth is going to become too hot for us to wear clothes and we’d all be walking around butt-naked on the streets, sweating like pigs. Nudists are going to have a field day, however, but for the rest of us unfortunates, we will be forced to do something drastic to preserve whatever ‘little’ decency we have.

From the Stone Age to the Information Age and the present Boobage, we’re hurtling towards another Ass Age. Strangely, this comes just before the next Ice Age, and the two pronunciations are not to be confused. So, what do we do in this ex-ass-perating situation?

There will come a time when people’s butts will become a taboo – as taboo’d as the other ‘private’ parts. Unfortunately, people will not share the same obsession they have for these parts and we’ll see them being bared in public. But the butt, it’s gonna be highly private. Someone will invent a Butt-Guard or a Butt-Off or something similar in all shapes and sizes and fake ones too, that will protect the butt from prying eyes. More than anything, these inventions will prevent Ass Lovers from their eye-candy.

These Ass Lovers will create a secret society called the ‘Butt’on Brigade, and their main objective will be to beautify the backside through underground videos. Scores of people will be misled into joining the ‘Butt’on Brigade and kids as young as 10 will be brainwashed and made to join. Law and order will fail against the sheer numbers of the Brigadiers and the kids will create their own version called the ‘Little Asses.’

And since all the truths about Global Warming would have been proven to be true, the Governments of all the countries will decide that they need to ignore the ominous signs again. Their anal logic would be: Lightning doesn’t strike the same place twice, so why should Global Warming?

But the logic would turn out to be just that – anal and stinky, Global Warming would strike again, bringing an end to the Ice and the Ass Age. The taboos would return to normal. We’d be flashing our butts in public again and hiding other parts.

If only this fucked-up version of the future were true. Unfortunately, it’s just a dream. An ass-piration…

Commenting Is A Privilege, Not A Right! Join The Revolution!

Go Ahead, Steal This Badge! 🙂

I’ve been blogging for five years now. MirrorCracked was created in April this year, after I closed down all my other blogs. Some of you have just started blogging and most of you are veterans already – been here longer than I have. There is a reason why people choose to blog.

Communication has always made our species different from the others. From smoke signals to text messages, we have come a long way, and somewhere along this journey, we have realized the importance of communicating effectively. Writing is one of the most respected art forms and bloggers are artists in their own right. We write stories, we emote, we ideate, we rant, we make others laugh, we make others cringe in disgust – all through the written word, which is displayed publicly, in an open forum where anyone can read and comment.

It is a channel through which we can make our creativity known to the world. It is a platform to share our joys, sorrows, opinions and views with complete strangers and build relationships with these strangers that many a time transcend borders, time, age and sex. People who blog are a closely-knit family who understand each others intentions for blogging and respect them for just being.

Some people take advantage of this.

There are instances where certain people are not satisfied with what they have and aspire for more and more. Greed and jealousy are emotions as primal as any, and the fact that we have evolved from being Neanderthals probably means that we have learned to curb these instincts. Sadly, evolution has stopped in many people who are still struggling to find out their place in the food chain. I used to call them as assholes and now, I discovered they are called Trolls.

Have you ever received a comment on your blog from a person who’s just being nasty, uses vile language and expresses his/her general lack of brains? That person is a Troll. Troll comments do not always go into the spam folder – most Trolls are a single person, using different names and different email IDs, and if the Troll is clever, he/she would use different terminals to avoid having the same IP address registered.

There are other ways a Troll can harass genuine bloggers. Some blogs in wordpress have this option where people can go and comment without having to log in. I could very easily pose as anyone and leave a nasty comment in a blog using someone else’s name, email and website. To avoid this, I urge all wordpress users to log in whenever you are commenting on others’ blogs, so that your picture is visible in the comments. WordPress users commenting on Blogspot have to use OpenID, and this can happen only if you are logged in. So, no worries there.

I am starting a movement here. I am sick and tired of getting Troll’ed. If you feel the same, then join me in this worldwide hunt to weed out Trolls from blogs everywhere. I am sharing the IP addresses of the Trolls that have harassed me so far. These IPs are already on my blacklist. Please add them to your blacklists too, and share the IPs of any Trolls that you might have encountered. We have to block out these fucking assholes.

59.182.181.43

59.182.162.144

59.182.175.143

59.182.190.80

59.92.138.198

I have created a badge that you can display on your blogs.

Always remember these two things:

  1. Commenting is a privilege, not a right.
  2. Trolls are human beings who have stopped evolving a long time ago.

Join me in making the blogosphere healthy again!

[Message to the Trolls who are reading this: Go fuck a hairy duck and get a life.]

The Funny Guy! :)

I have recently been awarded the dubious distinction of being Mr. Funny Guy by my friends. I should be honored, and to an extent, I am. How this title came about and why I am not really satisfied with it will be apparent after you read this whole post. 🙂

It was a dark and gloomy Wednesday evening, around six, when I decided to wrap things up in the office and go all the way to Yelahanka, where my brother was waiting in the police station after his bike had been towed away. I had to go there and pay the fine of 600 bucks to bail the bike out. When I left, the rain had just about abated and I made quick time in traveling the 30-odd miles to Yelahanka. We both got drenched on the way back, but that seems to be a minor point of little or no interest to the readers, who’re probably well accustomed to my bouts of bad luck. I met a few friends for dinner that night and decided to liven up the night with a joke.

“Okay, people! I am going to tell you a joke!” I announced. Everyone fell silent and listened intently, being aware of my reputation for spinning a lovely yarn. I was actually trying to impress my friend’s cute cousin who’d joined us. She was sitting next to me and seemed to be hanging on my every word. I desperately wanted to impress her and make her smile. So, I dug into my vast database of corny jokes and pulled out the best one!:D

“There was this scientist,” I began, “and he had just invented a biologically-engineered refrigerator. The fridge was so cool (no puns intended!) that it could order groceries online and make instant breakfast. It ran on some pretty cool DNA-computing circuits and was state-of-the-art! It was more intelligent than the most intelligent computers of the day. So, this scientist was selected for the Nobel Prize that year.”

I looked at the cute girl, paused for effect, and smiled. Everyone on the table was gripped. “The Nobel Committee waned him to fly over to Stockholm and demonstrate his bio-engineered refrigerator. So, this scientist rented a single engine Cessna plane and started his journey. Halfway through the flight, the single engine died and the plane began to crash. The pilot screamed, “Hey scientist! We are too heavy and the plane can’t handle it! You have to throw your fridge out!”

“No way!” screamed the scientist. “I have given my whole life for this invention!”

“Look, fella! If we don’t throw it overboard, we’re all going to die. It’s too heavy. You have your research data with you anyway. It’s just a question of assembling it again. Please understand!”

“So, this scientist, after careful deliberation, opened the door with a heavy heart and threw the fridge out.”

I stopped talking and took a sip of water and leaned back with a smile. Everyone on the table were leaning forward, intently waiting. “Then what happened?” asked the cute girl next to me.

“Nothing,” I said. “That’s the end of the story. ”

When they all realized that I had conned them, it was too late. The expression on their faces was a million dollar one. I started laughing out so loud that I drowned their angry retorts and groans and the hotel manager came up, glared at me and said, “Sir, please don’t laugh so loud. You’re disturbing the other guests!”

I continued laughing in a whisper and the other people around the table were ready to drown me in my tomato soup. “Okay guys, I am sorry,” I said. “I’ll make it up to you. I’ll tell you a better joke this time and I swear on the graves of all the men, women and children who died building this hotel that you will not be disappointed.”

My reputation as a funny guy preceded me and they all agreed to give me one more chance. “Last chance,” said the cute girl next to me. “I’ll slap you if you do this again.”

I wanted to tell her that I would do anything to get her to slap me because that would mean she would have to touch me. Oh, she was so cute!! 😀

“Okay, get ready,” I announced and cleared my throat. “There’s this beautiful lake in the middle of nowhere and in the center of the lake is a small islet on which the most beautiful flower is growing. The lake is infested with crocodiles and sharks and piranhas and just about any man-eating critter nature has created. On the banks of the lake, a man and a woman are sitting, cuddled up. They are very much in love with each other. The woman asks the man to swim across and get that flower for her. He protests and says that he’s going to killed trying to cross the lake. “Is this how much you love me?” asks the girl, very depressed. So, the man takes offense and says, “If you want me to prove my love to you, then I will cheat death and get you the flower.” He strips down and starts swimming. He battles all the critters that come in his way and finally reaches the middle of the lake, plucks the flower and swims back, again battling nature’s fury. He reaches the shore and climbs out holding the flower. And then, right in front of the woman’s eyes, he dies!”

I paused for effect. “Why did he die?” I asked, looking around at everyone.

They were all listening to my story so intently that one of them immediately said, “The flower was poisonous”

“No,” I said.

“Something attacked him!”

“No”

“He had a heart attack?”

“No”

The cute girl then said, “Tell me, tell me! Please!”

I couldn’t ignore her cries. Oh, and her voice was so sweet. So, I told them the answer – “The fridge fell on him!”

For two minutes there was complete silence and I inched closer to the cute girl and turned my head at an angle so that she could get a good whack at my cheek. But to my surprise, she burst out laughing and so did the others. They liked the stupid joke! I was so annoyed!

So, that’s how I got the title and that’s why I am not too excited about it! She didn’t slap me! Now, I don’t know when I am going to see her next. Damn! 😦

Cover me up, Scotty!

OutlookIndia has always been a very conservatively-confused country. No, that didn’t sound right. Let me try that again. India has always been a country with conservatively-confused people in power. Yeah, that sounds about right. Don’t get me wrong – I’m a politically-neutral, wardrobe-indifferent, optically-challenged, mentally-blessed, verbally-strong guy – but some things that these politicians do just baffles me and makes me want to stand them in the middle of a crowd, strip them naked and laugh at them all day long, like Nelson in the Simpsons, “Haw! Haw!”

Every sport needs cheerleaders – not only to please the weary sportsmens’ eyes, but also to appease the gawkers and the single men (and certain women!) in the crowd. Indian politics is very insecure when it comes to scantily dressed cheerleaders waving away those frillies in the air and showing off their generously endowed ..er.. wardrobe! (Does that sound right!?)

They allow these lovely cheerleaders to flaunt themselves one day and the next, they are banned and are ordered to “Cover up or Pack up!” The next day, they’re back, doing what they do best! Isn’t this a bit insane? Sticking to a decision is the hardest thing any Indian politician can do, and especially when it comes to near-naked dancing beauties, I’m not surprised by the vacillation! 😀

After all, who wants to watch a game of football or cricket without the goddesses of ..er.. (F)rock dancing and cheering the home side on? No wonder they charge entertainment taxes on game tickets nowadays! 😀

I know a lot of people wouldn’t have an opinion on this issue, but I just had to get it out – can’t hold back political jokes anymore! We’ve crossed the line! 🙂

Haw! Haw!

Play Your Part!

Earth Day 2008!

I won’t join the ranks of all those do-gooders who seem to be hell bent on reminding everyone of how much damage our planet has suffered and how we need to pull up our socks and save our Earth from a certain destruction, which has been round the corner for the past three decades.

Instead, on Earth Day 2008, I’d like to remind everyone of how beautiful our world is and how lucky we are just to be born in it and to experience the pleasures of a warm sunrise, a gentle breeze or the lazy lapping of the waves against our feet.

Take one day; just one day. We wake up to the warmth of the sun streaming from the windows and from the light peeping in from behind the curtains, know that it’s already well into the day. The birds have been up for almost an hour now, their chirping audible from the branch of the tree outside the window. If we listen carefully, we might even hear the rustling of the leaves and the soft whistle of the gentle, early-morning breeze. We stand up, stretch our arms and legs and walk over to the window and pull the curtains aside to reveal the vast expanse of open skies, dotted with white, fluffy clouds here and there, moving lazily with the breeze, casting distant, benign shadows on the ground below. Here and there, flocks of early birds fly towards wherever their instinct takes them. The breeze, now uninhibited by the curtains, move in to the room in soft waves and wash over us, bringing a satisfied smile to our faces with the least effort.

Even as we stand there, the bigger of the clouds move and make way for the brilliant morning sun, still low over the horizon, and throwing the occasional red-orange ray amidst the shining yellow. No amount of words can describe this sight, and no camera however powerful can do justice to it, and we know it. So, we refrain from describing this splendid sight and move over to splash our faces with cold water.

The water cleanses our sleep away and wakes us up in a way that coffee can never do. The cool water, trickles down our faces, accentuating our smile, and we hesitate and reach for the towel. We don’t want to dry our faces. Water has that lingering satisfaction.

We then pick up a glass of water and walk over to the tiny potted plant in the corner of the room, where the young, green leaves are bathing in the gentle warmth of the morning sun. As we trickle the water on to the plant’s roots, we almost feel the leaves breathing and we see the tiniest, almost imperceptible shudder as the cold water hits the stem. we feel light inside. A perfect start to the day.

When we look at the calendar on our way to the kitchen, the date reads April 22. We start thinking of ways to play our part in keeping our beautiful home clean. No plastics today, we think to ourselves. Recycle everything and don’t litter.

No matter how much money, rock shows and propaganda go into spreading awareness about the state of the planet, we know that the change must come from within ourselves. We glare at our neighbor, who throws a half-empty packet of potato chips out on the street and roars away on his motorbike. Al Gore can preach and make all the movies he wants and win all the Nobel prizes he wants, but we know that unless we realize the truth ourselves and unless we intend to make a change, we cannot. Keeping our planet clean for just one day in a year may not sound like enough, but if only we knew the amount of abuse the Earth takes in one 24-hour period, we wouldn’t wonder about it.

Play your part. Be clean. After all, it’s just for one day! 🙂

The things we do!

It’s been almost a year since I graduated from college and the memories are very vivid. I miss those times, when I used to sit in class and stare endlessly out of the window, with nothing to do but think of newer ways to kill time. I made some of the best people during the four years I was there. I was talking to a close friend of mine – Chuckie – who’s now in Sydney, doing her masters. We spoke on the phone for nearly an hour and she begged me to put up a blog about the good old days and I couldn’t turn her down.

There was a lot of things we did back then that got us into all kinds of trouble – we used to skip class and sit in the library, cooking up excuses to get drunk and even writing insanely obnoxious poems about the teachers! We were inseparable – but I think it’s more an attribute to my magnetic personality than anything! 😉 – and we  did most of the crazy things we planned on doing.

Once, I think we almost turned the whole class into a circus because of a fight we had. We started throwing accusations at each other and pretty soon, it was a proper brawl and had to broken up by the head of the department, who just couldn’t believe that we were almost 23!

Everything apart, I think that friendship is a bond that takes a long time to break, and sometimes, it doesn’t. I was blessed with some of the best people in the world during those four years and I am proud to say that we are all still best of friends. Distance can make it tough to keep in touch, but then, that’s a bad excuse not to. Right? 🙂

The Online Predator…

I have a profile on Orkut, MySpace and Facebook, though I hardly use the latter two at all. Social networking is a good thing, from my point of view, and I’ve found some real nice friends through them. Recently, I read a blog on wordpress (I won’t mention the name because I’m going to slander the author now!) and I was impressed by the thoughts expressed by her. Her language was simple and her articles were quite good. And to my surprise, I found a link to her profile on Orkut on her blog. I was intrigued. People aren’t normally this open about themselves on a blog. (I found another blog where the author had put up his phone number on the blog, but I’ll comment on one stupidity at a time!)

So, I visited her profile on Orkut and sent her a friend request with a message saying that I liked her blog, and didn’t think of it again. I send out friend requests all the time and I don’t bother to see if they’ve been accepted or not. And I generally am very picky about whom I add as friends.

Two days later, I got an email from this girl and I was quite literally, shocked. Here’s what she said, verbatim:

“you’re the one who wanted to add me right? how do you know me? i’m sorry but i’m not on orkut to make friends, especially with someone much older than i’m. i would prefer if you didn’t visit my wordpress and if you continued don’t tell me. honestly, i may seem like the rudest person right now. but i have gone
through way too much on orkut and i people like yourself make me even more weary of online predators. to add to all of this, in the new age of technology and shit, many of you are taking advantage of online social sites and befriending people you don’t know. stop giving our race a bad name and keep to yourself. tell everyone else, share some wisdom. “

There were a million different replies going through my mind at this point and not all of them were polite. She didn’t want to make friends with someone much older than herself, apparently! Last time I checked, I was barely able to feed myself and was making gaga-googoo sounds from my crib. When did I become “old”?? And the fact that she used the phrase “technology and shit” told me volumes about her knowledge of something called a computer.

She called me an Online Predator! I’d like to think that as a new height I’ve scaled in the past few years. She wanted me to share the “wisdom” of her message to “people like myself,” stalking the internet for young girls to harass. Give me a break, lady! I so badly wanted to say, “If you want our race to improve, then you should shut that trap of yours soon because you’re a prime candidate for population control!”

So, I drafted a reply as decently as I could manage and sent it to her and blocked her from my profile. Here’s what I wrote, verbatim:

“Wisdom comes in many forms, one of which happens to be a grave insecurity about oneself. People start blogs and social network profiles for a reasons – true, many a time, the intention may not be pure, but most of the time, its to address their insecurities. I have been called many names before, but an online predator, hmmm, thats a first. I would greatly appreciate you not voicing a generalized opinion about people without knowing them at all. I guess a true blogger would not have responded in the way you did, but then, its not my place to judge you. From your response, I can make out that you’re socially challenged. Please don’t take this the wrong way, but I think you ought to visit the mall often; I’ve heard they’re giving lives away cheap. Don’t bother replying back. Have a great, online-predator-free life ahead… Goodbye 🙂 ”

Get a life, woman! People aren’t all bad and not everyone out to make fun of you and harass you and get in your pants! Jeez!

Another small bit of unfriendly advice to this paranoid girl: Don’t even try to wage a battle of words with me; the only thing that’s bigger than my ego is my vocabulary! 😀