Who Ate My Onions?

With the onion prices in India touching the lower levels of the atmosphere and aiming to break the planet’s escape velocity, its only fair that people resort to innovative methods of making money. This will follow the typical Darwinian principle of strong-eat-weak and rich-screw-over-poor. Come to think of it, I think Darwin deserves a Nobel Prize in economics – I’m sure a lot of people think that his ‘Origin of Species’ was a metaphorical work describing the economic recession.

I went to the supermarket last evening to pick up some vegetables for the empty fridge, and after spending some time near the onion counter contemplating the steeply rising prices, my attention was diverted to two people who were fighting close to me.

Here’s how the conversation went, roughly:

Fat Guy With Ponytail: What did you call me?

Thin Guy With Ribs Sticking Out: Nothing, sir. I did not say anything.

FGWP: No, you called me fat!

TGWRSO: No, No! I did not!

FGWP: Admit it. You were stealing onions from my basket and then when I caught you, you called me fat!

TGWRSO: Sir, you got me wrong. I was not stealing. I was just looking at them. Please sir, I am not a thief!

FGWP: Likely story! You should be flogged!

At this, the thin guy with ribs sticking out started pleading with folded arms in a typically Indian and totally pathetic manner. This brought the store manager rushing towards the commotion.

Store Manager: What is happening here? What’s the racket about? Stop fighting, sir (addressing the Fat Guy).

FGWP: Good you came! Are you the manager?

SM: Yes sir! I am. What is the problem here?

FGWP: This guy was stealing my onions! Trash him!

SM: (Looking at the thin guy and then back to the Fat Guy) Sir, he was not stealing your onions.

FGWP: What?? I tell you, this guy was stealing! Are you calling me a liar? I saw him reach out and pick up two onions from my basket while was about to turn around!

SM: Sir, that’s not possible. This fellow works here at the store. He is in charge of the onion section.

At this, the Fat Guy was somewhat flabbergasted, but he held his position and continued his tirade.

FGWP: You hire thieves in your store! Do you know how much these onions cost? An arm and a leg! He was stealing it!

SM: Sir, give him a chance to explain. (Looking now at the thin guy) Rama, explain yourself. Did you pick up two onions from this man’s basket?

TGWRSO: Yes sir…

FGWP: Aha!

TGWRSO: …but I wasn’t stealing!

SM: Then why did you pick them up?

TGWRSO: They dropped into his basket by mistake. These onions belong to this man here.

And he pointed at me.

I looked into my own basket, and true enough, I was two onions short. The Fat Guy looked at me, then at the thin guy, then at the store manager and then back at me, trying to figure out how I fit into his whole onion-thievery theory. Apparently I didn’t. He just handed me back my onions and mutered, “Sorry” under his breath to all three of us and walked away.

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Buses, Bloggers, Booze, Biryani, Bangalore Mirror…

"Special" Buses Are Late.
"Special" Buses Are Late.

…or anything else that matter, I had an awesome weekend to say the least. I reached Chennai Saturday morning after a particularly disconcerting bus ride. The bus was supposed to be a “special” bus from KSRTC (Karnataka State Road Transport Corporation) and the fare was 800 instead of the usual 500. It was supposed to be a Volvo bus with air-conditioning and was supposed to reach Chennai an hour early than the other buses. The bus was supposed to depart at 10:43 pm. There were 60 people scheduled to travel in the bus, and we were waiting with our tickets in hand at the designated platform, watching the 10:30 pm bus arrive and depart, the 10:45 pm bus arrive and depart and finally, even the 11:45 bus arrive. There was no sign of the “special” 10:43 bus.

Someone got agitated; someone else called the cops and brought a couple of constables to the spot and started accosting everyone sporting a KSRTC uniform. The cops were pleading helplessness and the KSRTC men were pleading ignorance. I was standing there among the crowd, feeling an unrealistic sense of amusement creep over me.  “This isn’t happening,” I said to myself. “I must be dreaming.”  I pinched myself quite hard and let out a surprised yelp of pain, drawing strange looks from the angry mob.

Finally, the “special” bus did arrive and we all got in, praying that no one beats the driver to death. An uneventful journey later, I stepped out in Chennai. I was scheduled to attend a workshop on visions and entrepreneurship on Saturday and Sunday, catch the Opeth concert at the IIT Madras fest – Saarang ’09 – meet bloggers from Chennai briefly on Monday, catch an early bus back to Bangalore and meet Shefaly who was in town, and finally, go home and catch up on some much-needed sleep before heading back to work on Tuesday. That was the plan.

Uthandi Ashram
Uthandi Ashram

The workshop was quite fascinating and enlightened me on a lot of things. A residential workshop held in the quaint Uthandi Ashram in Chennai, I can’t decide if the peace and quiet were more enthralling than the peacocks and the private beach.

The Opeth concert was mind-blowing, and that’s an understatement. More than 5000 people thronged to the Open Air Theater at IIT Madras – a campus known for it’s sheer size and natural beauty – and were entertained by some out-of-this-world music by Demonic Resurrection and Motherjane, who opened for Opeth. After an agonizing wait, Opeth finally kicked off, and for the next three hours, it was a sound fest.

I Was There! Long Live Rock!
I Was There! Long Live Rock!

When 5000+ people scream and sing along with an absolutely heavy death metal band, the world stands still and joins in the chaotic mayhem. I came out with a sore throat and a star-struck look in my eye. I became one of the few lucky human beings alive to have witnessed Opeth live in concert! 🙂

Monday morning proved to be undoing of my well-laid plans and I just did not get a bus ticket back to Bangalore. All the buses were filled and I was too broke to afford a flight. I controlled my rising panic and went to meet all the bloggers from Chennai, whom I’d ditched once for a meet.

It was an amazing afternoon, where I demonstrated my culinary skills with some mouth-watering Biryani that would put the greatest chefs to shame. I met Vimal, Aaarti, Archie, Aparna, Apar, Bhar, Praddy, Sharada, Nautankey and three non-bloggers – Vikram, Arvind MN and Guha. I got tipsy with some fine Jack Daniels and realized that it was too late for me to reach Bangalore in time to meet Shefaly. I owe her an apology.

I caught a late night “special” bus back to Bangalore after walking around the bus stand for more than 40 minutes trying in vain to obtain a seat. I paid 800 bucks again for a ticket that cost 720 bucks and forgot to get the balance money back. I got fleeced for 80 bucks by a government employee! 😀

blog-talk-jan-27-2009

I reached Bangalore this morning at 4:30 and slept for a coupe of hours and returned to the monotony of my professional life. I got a pleasant surprise, when I realized that Bangalore Mirror had featured MirrorCracked again! So, I’d say that it has been a good weekend which could’ve been great if everything on my list went according to the plan. But, that’s life.

The Dummy’s Guide To Pissing People Off!

piss_off_guide

Of course! It has to be true! Damn right! You need to piss people off all the time! It’s much like the song ‘Iris’ by Goo Goo Dolls, where he croons, “…yeah you bleed just to know you’re alive!” We need to irritate people around us all the time to feel alive. What’s the point of living if you don’t piss someone off? Huh? Tell me!

The scientists at the MirrorCracked Labs are quite busy these days with the grand opening just round the corner. (Oh, you have to watch the video if you haven’t already! It’s pretty neat! A lovely teaser for the MirrorCracked Labs’ grand opening!)  I use the term ‘grand opening’ quite a lot, don’t I?

Sorry, I digress. As I was saying, the scientists are quite busy plotting planning the grand opening, and have relegated this particular Dummy’s Guide to me and me alone. I hope I do justice.

Pissing people off – the heart and soul of our existence. We wouldn’t be here doing what we are doing if someone a hundred thousand years ago hadn’t pissed someone off and started a war. We wouldn’t be here if someone hadn’t pissed on someone else’s joy! You wouldn’t be reading this if someone hadn’t pissed me off and made me write this. So, you have to agree with me that it’s quite important to piss people off all the time. It’s our god-given right. It’s why we were given a voice. It’s why were given the ability to ridicule and irritate and point fingers and laugh. It’s our duty! 🙂

So, how do we do it? How do we achieve the perfect balance between pissing someone off and not getting slapped, shot, kicked in the nuts, stabbed in the back, kicked in the nuts, slapped, slapped, punched in the face, kicked in the nuts again or pushed off a cliff? It takes great care and patience to achieve this feat, and it’s not easy. You need to pay attention.

Pissing Men Off

arnold_angryQuite easy – take a dig at their manhood. Tell them they’re virgins and even if they are, they’ll vehemently deny it. Watching their face go from a normal beige to various shades of red, blue and orange is quite fun. Men are strange in this issue – I don’t know why but they always overplay their sexual exploits and this is the best way to piss a man off.

Of course, the only two other things that matter to a guy is either beer or sports. Ridicule his favorite beer and you might end up on the wrong end of a well-placed kick to the nuts. Ridicule the guy and call him a sissy for watching cricket or golf, and he’ll go stark raving mad.

I’ll let you in on a secret. If you know a guy who is straight and want to piss him off, accuse him of being gay. Oh, he’ll hate you for the rest of his life, and he’ll stay away from cosmetics and watch each of his words carefully whenever you’re around! 😀

PS: I don’t want to dig my own grave in this postscript by saying something about homosexual tendencies that I’ll regret, so I’ll just construct a totally useless sentence.

Pissing Women Off

woman_attackGiven that sex, booze and sports are the only three things that can effectively piss a man off, you’ll find it hard to piss a woman off with these three topics. Women are usually very secure about their sexuality/sex lives and taking a dig at their alcoholic tastes will be like throwing grains of sand at a hurtling train hoping to derail it. And women and sports, well, let me not be a spoilsport, but you know how it goes. (My mom thought F1 cars were battery controlled toys and unmanned!)

So, how do we piss women off? Easy – take a dig at her age. It always works, no exceptions. Tell her, “Oh, you look so much younger in your photographs!” and she’ll hate you with a vehemence second only to a supernova.

Horizontal attacks are also effective. “You seem to have gained some weight,” “Is that an extra-large top?” and “How many months due are you?” are the three most effective way to piss a woman off about her weight. Never fails.

But I am duty bound to warn you – Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. Be careful.

Go ahead! Piss someone off today! Live a little! 🙂

Images Courtesy: Arnoldspeaks.com and Randommovieclub.blogspot.com

On This Fine Monday Morning…

monday_blues… I’m sure most of us don’t want to be here. We’d much rather be lounging in our warm and cozy beds, curled up with a good novel with a cup of hot steaming tea/coffee on the small table next to the bed. Better than that would be to be asleep, dreaming of Coyote Ugly. Ah well, the little pleasures of life aren’t meant for a Monday.

I woke up this morning feeling impotent. No, don’t get me wrong. I meant it in the non-obvious way – my whole weekend was a blur. I had high hopes of experiencing heaven on Saturday, and no matter how much I tried, I just couldn’t get there.

Damn, reading that last sentence, I feel so pervert. Ok, I’ll clear the air – I think I’ve lost my ability to get drunk!

There, I’ve said it. It feels better now that it’s in the open. I feel so impotent, so insecure, so incomplete. Despite my promise to Shefaly Auntie that I wouldn’t drink this weekend and instead would do some soul-searching, the best way to handle temptations is to give in to them. So, I drank.

I started at 11:00 am on Saturday and drank all the way up to 6:00 pm, and even though everyone around me was smashed, I was sober. I was as sober as I’ve always been – not even tipsy! I was scared. I felt less of a man. I felt, and still feel impotent. Have I lost it? Am I on a constant high that I don’t climb any more? I need professional help, I think. Not AA, as I’m not an alcoholic – I drink only on weekends; I think I need to do something about this. Maybe take a week off and drink until I can’t stand and can’t remember my name. Maybe it’ll work.

On a more pleasant note, I opened my mail today and saw that I had won the Blog Of The Day award. Three cheers to whoever nominated me, and a round of beer for all the rockstars at the BOTDA! 🙂

Happy Monday to all.

Advice to drunkards: Preserve your manhood. Get high. 😀

Towards A Greater Kiss…

Moonlight KissingDisclaimer: I am being forced to write this post by public demand.

Mercurians, Venutians, Martians and Earthlings have all got together and voted me as the “Best Kisser In The Solar System,” after 49 grueling hours of tongue-wrestling contests, elections, re-takes and encores. To my surprise, everyone there referred to me as The Love Guru, which made me feel all the more better about the whole deal. I returned to Earth this morning, which would perhaps explain my absence online for the past two days.

A kiss is something surreal that only two people get to experience at any given time. A great kiss isn’t planned – it’s spontaneous. It elevates the participants to a whole new level, much above the clichèd Cloud Number 9. Contrary to popular belief, a kiss doesn’t just involve the lips and the tongue – the whole body, mind and soul play vital roles in making a good kiss great.

A kiss is not just an acronym, it’s something much more. It’s perhaps the greatest discovery of Earthlings after the wheel. It’s interesting to record what actually goes on in the minds of the two people when they kiss – more often than not, it’s nothing. The mind’s blank. Nothing goes in or out of the brain and all electrical activities come to a standstill. Instinct takes over reason. Irrationality takes over common sense.

False starts and awkward poses are always a part of the game. We have to think beyond that. We have to think about the sweet taste, the soft wetness and the overwhelming head rush. We, as human beings, are constantly held up in a mad race for money and time is running short. There’re a lot of things we can do that doesn’t cost money, and that lets us experience a far higher sense of satisfaction than materialistic goods.

I say, start with a kiss.

Walls Of Love

resilienceRight. So, the retards decide to throw a whole country in disarray and kill people indiscriminately. They enter a crowded city like Mumbai and take control of a few places, take hostages, shoot into the crowd, killing innocent people, lob hand grenades into crowds and hotel rooms and feel all macho because they feel like God.

What the retards don’t know and probably didn’t even realize that a country like India hasn’t survived for so long through luck – the people here are immensely strong and we can withstand anything dished out to us.

It’s sad that we’ve been on the wrong end of the gun for a while now, with these retards resorting to bombs in different cities and now, guns and grenades, but what is still unshakeable is our faith in a terror-free world.

My heartfelt condolences to all those affected by this retarded attack in Mumbai. Life has been thrown out of gear throughout the country, with everyone with access to a TV, radio or internet logged on to breaking news at this hour. Every single citizen of the country is praying that madness gets over before there’s any more loss of life. [Those who do not have access to a TV can go to this site for live streaming news.]

You fucking retards – you think your bullets and bombs and hatred can affect us? You think you can scare us into hiding? You really believe that you can even being to understand the meaning of ‘Love’ and “Unity’ and ‘Strength’ and “Solidarity’? The only difference between these so-called terrorists and retards in a mental asylum is the wall separating them. We build our walls from love, not stones.

Extreme Quirkyness. Period.

My sweet Machi asked me to reveal a few quirky facts about me. Isn’t this like asking a lion if it can roar, or asking a yo-yo if it can oscillate, or asking an idiot if he’s not an idiot, or any other blatantly obvious things that people do. But, since I like my Machi a whole lot, I will reveal six of my quirkiest characteristics/experiences for the whole world to read and get enlightened. Take a deep breath, relax your mind and close the browser window if you have a weak heart.

Else, proceed.

  1. Last night, I dreamt that I had created this absolutely brilliant online banking software that people can access through their wordpress accounts. The software was so brilliant that people could log in and make secure phone calls to any number through the interface! There were three passwords and it even worked as an ATM, apparently. I distinctly remember sliding money into my CPU as a deposit. 😀

  2. I wasn’t kidding in the comment section in my last post. A dog talked to me. It wagged it’s tail and said, “Blog this! Woof!” I knew I was totally and irreversibly mad.

  3. I realized my zipper was undone today in a meeting with a client. I excused myself and walked into the restroom and zipped it up. When I came out, the client asked me, “What’d you do inside? I didn’t hear you flush?”

  4. My bike hadn’t been washed in two years and today, I asked someone to wash it. I paid him 60 bucks to do so. An hour after the wash, it rained heavily.

  5. I bought a new helmet a week back and it looked so sexy! Everything about the helmet was perfect – the color, the padding, the smell, the visor, everything. Until a truck drove over a puddle of muddy water and splashed me and my new helmet. That was fun.

  6. The best for the last – yesterday, I realized I wasn’t single anymore. It isn’t quirky, I know, but I just felt like sharing it. She’s going to read this for sure, so I’ll just say this, “I love you!!” [Yeah, it’s fun to see The Love Guru blushing, isn’t it? That’s why I’m not posting any photos!]

There it is – my list of quirks. This is much more fun if it weren’t a tag. So, the tag is killed here. 😀