You Can’t Ring & Ruin My Life!

Evil Cell PhonesRemember those days of carefree indulgence back in college or school or even the womb? You could do whatever you wished without anyone bothering you or asking you irritating questions. Life was so beautiful, with little misery to discover and a lot of fun to explore. Then, some jackass went and invented the mobile phone.

It’s bad enough to have one phone, but when you try to adhere to statistics (India has almost a 200% cell-phone penetration), you get stuck with two phones and a very short fuse. Constantly trying to please every one of the 900-odd contacts on both phones, most of whom just give you a missed call hoping you consider them important enough for you to call back, can be quite a challenge if you’re not taking anger management classes. Since my anger management involves some highly charged romantic moments with my girlfriend, whom I shall diplomatically call a bombshell, and since I can’t meet her as often as I would like to these days (due to our respective careers and not anything else), I am almost always one phone call away from losing my cool.

This morning, I had the (mis)fortune of running out of balance on my prepaid number and reach the end of the month’s grace period on my postpaid one, and at 9 in the morning, I was ‘temporarily disconnected’ from the entire world. It was such a beautiful feeling – I became nostalgic and went up on the terrace, placed both my phones in front of me and danced around in my underwear singing ‘It’s My Life’ and screaming,

“You can’t ring and ruin my life!
You can’t ring and ruin my life!
I control you, fuckers!
Tra-la-la-laaa….
You can’t ring… You can’t ruin my life…”

Just as the chorus built up a bit and I became more and more animated, one of the phones beeped. I stopped mid-sentence, “I control you fu-” and stared at the pair of life-ruiners in front of me. One of them definitely had beeped. Was I dreaming? I went closer, slowly, hesitantly, and saw that my Motorola phone was flashing “I New Message”.

How could this be? I knew for a fact that there was no balance in either of the phones. I couldn’t receive messages! This was not possible! Then, it struck me that if this phone could receive messages, then what’s stopping it from ringing! I let out a guttural scream of pain, grabbed both the phones and ran inside. When I flipped the phone open, the message was from a client of mine and it read, “Nikhil, can’t reach you. Please call.”

I felt like a piece of shit as I stood in line, trying to recharge both the phones, a few hours later.

Image Courtesy: Slate.com

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Five Questions And A Domain

mirrorcrackedA week ago, after a heavy meal, I was sitting on the pot and contemplating the evolution of snowmen, when I had a thought – I decided to take the plunge and get my own domain. With Joel guiding me every step of the way, literally telling me where to click and what to type, I purchased MirrorCracked and set up a hosting on SurpassHosting. I was so excited yesterday that I printed out the URL in big bold letters and stuck it in my cubicle! I plan to migrate to that domain pretty soon, once I get the hang of it.  It’s quite a pain to install themes and plugins and all that shit.

It’s funny how I started and ended the last paragraph on a shitty note.

Anyway, back to the main purpose of this post. I’m a well-known tag killer, as many people have realized the hard way over the past months. I frown upon being tagged and I hardly do any tags, because I usually have a backlog of posts going up to 10 to even 15 drafts at times – posts waiting to get published. On busy days, I log in, go to my drafts, pick a post and hit the publish button. In the midst of all this, Apar came up and requested an interview.

Ok, ok. I literally begged for it. She was grateful enough to spend a lot of time in thinking of questions for me, and today, at 7:19 pm, just like a Nadal forehand, slapped the questions on to me. I felt obligated to answer them immediately lest I forget.

1. Do you always choose matchboxes which are larger than your cigarette boxes?

Bigger Matches

Interesting history to this question. I think the image would explain better. I was desperate for a smoke and I did not have a matchbox/lighter on me. It’s very frustrating to be stuck with a lot of cigarettes and nothing to light them with. And a ridiculously huge pack of Home Lites matches was the best that Spencers was able to offer me. Sigh.

So, to answer the question, I’d have to say anything goes for me. Big or small, as long as the thing burns, I’m happy. But, of course, I prefer hot women to larger matches.

2. Where do you get your sense of humor from?

I wish I knew. I don’t even know if I have one. There was a time in my life when I was strung up by my underwear, from a rusty nail on the wall, and slapped around by my headmistress for calling her a fat moron. I guess that traumatized me enough to treat everything around me with a sense of awe-struck indifference.

3. How many personalities do you possess apart from the “God” persona?!

Ah, this is an interesting one. No one believes me when I say that I’m God. They think it’s either just a phase in life that people go through believing they’re divine or that I’m plain crazy. Denial will only fuel the fire, so I’ll refrain from making any sort of comment. I’m God. Period.

4. Since you claim to be God, what does nirvana mean to you?

Something that smells like teen spirit and tastes like beer. You know what I mean?

5. Beer on the dance floor or wine on the beach? (options do not include “both”)

Beer. Any day. Anywhere. Any time. Any mode of consumption. Any amount. I hate wine.

“It’s Not A Secret Anymore” – Cast Your Vote, Make The Country Proud! :)

Infectious, along with WordPress, has launched the “I ❤ Blogging” design award contest, and Manushi Mathur, who blogs at “With L♥ve, Me” is, so far, the only Indian designer to be selected! This is how her sexy design looks:

manushi-design

I think it’s a bloody awesome design! Cast your votes today! 🙂

Click here to vote.

Click here for more information about the contest, which is open till March, in case you’re interested to take part in it.

Way to go, Manushi! I’m so fuckin proud of you! 🙂

A Pretty KlueLess Christmas! :)

KlueLess 4

Consider this a “thank you” note for Apar, who made me realize just how much of a dufus I am. She introduced me to what is perhaps the best quiz ever devised by mankind – KlueLess.

KlueLess is an online quizzing game which is a part of the IIM-Indore annual fest Iris. Hugely innovative, the quiz challenges to test your extent of lateral thinking and general knowledge, and it is very very addictive. People have been stuck on this quiz for months together!

Forums have been started and articles have been written about KlueLess, which has a cult following across the globe, with more than 3 million hits in the first month of it’s launch!

I started off with KlueLess 4 a few days ago, and yesterday, I cracked all the levels. I was so excited that I plunged into the original KlueLess, launched in 2005. At 9 in the night, in between trying to write something special for a special stranger and trying to resist the temptation of going to a Christmas Ball, I cracked it. I was proud of myself, and today, I’m going to attack the second and third editions – KlueLess 2 and 3.

KlueLess 2, KlueLess 3

I recommend it to everyone. It’s an absolutely breathtaking journey into the unknown – with each question, your general knowledge rises a notch. I feel on top of the world now.

To whoever devised KlueLess, hats off! You have just made this beautiful world that much more interesting!

So, here’s where you can try them out:

KlueLess

KlueLess 2

KlueLess 3

KlueLess 4

Enjoy yourselves! While solving the quizzes, always remember that nothing is obvious and nothing is really that difficult. 🙂

CreepyCracked!

creepy

Something creepy happened this evening and I had to write this!

After a long time, Priya from Priceless Junk logged in to her wordpress account. She was sick and tired of her exams and thought she needed some humor to cheer her up, and opened MirrorCracked. And saw “Edit” links everywhere!

She clicked on one of them and was redirected to my dashboard. She got scared. She thought I had invaded her home and was using her computer! She searched high and low and obviously, did not find me anywhere. So, she figured this had to be a freak incident and messaged me that she could access my dashboard!

I fell off my chair in my office, and called her back immediately and she explained that she could access my dashboard! I called few other blogger friends of mine and asked them if they could do the same. Thankfully, no one else could. I changed my password, told Priya to clear her cookies and cache files and then visit my page. This time, everything was back to normal.

For a few minutes this evening, my heart had stopped and I had to constantly give myself CPR (including mouth-to-mouth) to stay alive.

If this has happened to any of you as well, and if any of you can access my dashboard, please be a good netizen and tell me about it. Please?

On This Fine Monday Morning…

monday_blues… I’m sure most of us don’t want to be here. We’d much rather be lounging in our warm and cozy beds, curled up with a good novel with a cup of hot steaming tea/coffee on the small table next to the bed. Better than that would be to be asleep, dreaming of Coyote Ugly. Ah well, the little pleasures of life aren’t meant for a Monday.

I woke up this morning feeling impotent. No, don’t get me wrong. I meant it in the non-obvious way – my whole weekend was a blur. I had high hopes of experiencing heaven on Saturday, and no matter how much I tried, I just couldn’t get there.

Damn, reading that last sentence, I feel so pervert. Ok, I’ll clear the air – I think I’ve lost my ability to get drunk!

There, I’ve said it. It feels better now that it’s in the open. I feel so impotent, so insecure, so incomplete. Despite my promise to Shefaly Auntie that I wouldn’t drink this weekend and instead would do some soul-searching, the best way to handle temptations is to give in to them. So, I drank.

I started at 11:00 am on Saturday and drank all the way up to 6:00 pm, and even though everyone around me was smashed, I was sober. I was as sober as I’ve always been – not even tipsy! I was scared. I felt less of a man. I felt, and still feel impotent. Have I lost it? Am I on a constant high that I don’t climb any more? I need professional help, I think. Not AA, as I’m not an alcoholic – I drink only on weekends; I think I need to do something about this. Maybe take a week off and drink until I can’t stand and can’t remember my name. Maybe it’ll work.

On a more pleasant note, I opened my mail today and saw that I had won the Blog Of The Day award. Three cheers to whoever nominated me, and a round of beer for all the rockstars at the BOTDA! 🙂

Happy Monday to all.

Advice to drunkards: Preserve your manhood. Get high. 😀

Interview With ‘The Pakistani Spectator’

42-17214728Something interesting happened yesterday. This online newsletter called The Pakistani Spectator interviewed me about my blog and published the interview on their site. I was pleasantly surprised.

(Of course, I was a bit apprehensive to begin with, and I researched the site completely, spoke to people who read it and only after I assured myself that I wasn’t going to regret it did I respond to the questionnaire.)

Excerpts:

  1. Would you please tell us something about you and your site?
    I’m a 24-year-old guy, living in Bangalore (India) and I currently work for public relations firm. Previously, I’ve worked as a Java developer, a journalist and a cancer researcher, in India and New York. […] MirrorCracked is a blog that people can visit to have a laugh. No matter what the situation, there’s always something in MirrorCracked that’ll make the readers smile…

  2. I’m wondering what some of your memorable experiences are with blogging?
    I think I’ve met some fascinating people through my blogs, and one of the most memorable experiences was to organize and coordinate a bloggers’ meet […] It was an amazing learning experience, something that I’m looking forward to again.

  3. Do you feel that you continue to grow in your writing the longer you write? Why is that important to you?
    I’ve been writing all my life. I’m a published author, and I feel that a blog is an ideal platform for people to showcase their writing skills. […] The more I write, I personally feel that the better I get at it. It’s a constant process of learning, which I hope many bloggers realize.

You can read the complete interview here.