The Hazards Of A Public Relations Occupation

funny_choking_hazardAnd I thought working in a coal mine in Siberia was dangerous. Public Relations is a field which only the brave pursue and only those with a casual disregard for personal safety excel in.

When I signed on for a career in Public Relations, I knew it would involve daily death threats from irate clients and journalists (For example, there’s this homosexual client called Mr. B, who’s sleeping with the bisexual editor of a popular national newspaper and I’m not supposed to tell this out to anyone), but I didn’t expect bodily harm.

Yesterday was a gloomy Tuesday, with dark clouds threatening to douse the city and a cold wind that seemed never-ending. I arrived a bit late than usual, courtesy dirty traffic and a full bladder, and went about my work with the right mix of boredom and enthusiasm. It was somewhere around two in the afternoon when I realized just how dangerous my line of work is.

I was sitting at my desk, reading an online news release, when I dropped my pen on the floor. As I bent to pick it up, the chair I was sitting on creaked a bit. I didn’t give it much thought as it always creaked. Just as my fingertips touched the floor, I heard a deafening crack and the damn chair snapped in three! I fell down on the floor quite awkwardly, with a heavy thud. The entire office was silent and I lay there, dazed, wondering what in the hell happened.

Slowly, people realized something was wrong and crowded around my cubicle and helped me to my feet and made me stretch just to make sure that nothing was broken. More than embarrassment, I was angry at a friend of mine was suggesting a diet which clearly wasn’t working! 😀

I realized a bit later that I had cut my thumb quite deeply during the fall, I don’t know how that happened, and that my butt ached painfully all through the day. That I am accident prone is an understatement.

The Remnants Of The Disaster
The Remnants
The Cut
The Cut

I wanted to name this post “Return Of The Yo-Yo,” because my bike ran out of fuel on my way back and I had to push it for half an hour bearing the paining butt, and then stopped for another half an hour waiting for my friend to come and rescue me with some petrol, and during that wait, I almost ate a dirty omlette on the street and refrained after seeing the ‘cook’ scratch his butt and his armpits and wipe his hands on a dirty lungi, but I thought the current title would be ample proof for people who want a career in Public Relations to think twice and thrice before embarking on the most dangerous job in the world.

PS: That was the longest sentence I’ve ever written! 😀

PPS: The ‘B’ in Mr. B, obviously, stands for ‘Bastard’. 😀

The Big Crunch!

end of the world2008 hasn’t been a very good year for me so far. In fact, it hasn’t been a good year for most of the people I’ve known – failed marriages, failed love lives, too many bad days at work and school, diets not working, falling down, accidents, losing clients, losing major contracts, losing jobs, cost-cuttings, fights at home, and so on… The list is endless. Most of the people I know can’t really explain what’s happening. Last year, it had been so good for these people, me included, and all of a sudden, fortunes change drastically. A close friend of mine lost close to fifty thousand rupees on the stock markets and another good friend of mine had a life-threatening accident. I almost had my brush with death when the plane I was traveling in, on my way to India from New York, experienced so much turbulence that the pilot announced that they had to make an emergency landing somewhere – freaked me out at that time, but the turbulence passed and I reached safely.
But on the whole, it hasn’t been a really good year.

Friends of mine have flunked their exams and whose who were waiting for job offers and marriage proposals were disappointed. Another friend of mine called Divya was so happy that she had finally found a guy to get married and she called me up, all hyper-excited! A week later, she told me the marriage was off as the guy decided to study further and rejected her. I was more heartbroken, not only for her, but it proved my theory of 2008 being a very very bad year for most people.

Now, I know why it is a bad year. I did some calculations and called up a few people who take this astrology thing seriously, and I have a passably corny theory, wrapped in some flimsy auspices of scientific fact. Here it is:

The Big Bang Theory states that once the universe stops expanding, it’ll start collapsing into itself. This phenomenon is termed the Big Crunch. Sometime in December last year,  the Universe reached its limit of expansion, and just like an expanding balloon, it paused for an instant, stretched out to its tensile limit, and hung in an instant of timelessness. Everything stopped in that instant, including time. I don’t know if any of you have noticed that time seemed to be behaving strangely around November-December of 2007, but for me at least, it was so unnerving. I used to think that time seemed to be going slower than usual. Maybe it was because I had my exams at that time, but I don’t know. The clock never seemed to move ahead!

Now, in 2008, the Universe has begun the Crunch. Everything is moving in reverse – bad things are replacing good things everywhere in the world. Crime rate is up 11% in India alone! We are stuck in this lawless, reverse universe for a couple of billion years minimum.

I think we’d better start praying…

Disclaimer: The above theory has absolutely no scientific or astrological basis. It’s pure and utter nonsense, a brainchild of a bored and zombified mind. 😀