Tag: biology

The Dummy’s Guide To Destroying Your Computer

Nikhil46 Comments

Ah, so you somehow reached this page. Are you frustrated with your computer? Are you tired of waiting and waiting and waiting for Windows to boot? Are you going bald due to excessive hair-pulling? Do you want to kill your computer? If the answer to any of these questions is either “Yes” or “No” then you’re at the right place! This is my comprehensive guide to destroying your desktop/laptop computer without leaving any trace. It’s about time we hit back.

The Hard-where Kill

This is a technique that I have perfected over a period of time, and is perhaps the most effective way to destroy a computer. It involves speed, skill and timing, and should be practiced on a watermelon to assess yourself (avoid pumpkins; they’re a cliché). Contrary to a popular fairy tale that says the motherboard is the heart of the computer, I have recently made the startling discovery that computers are, in fact, heartless. This explains their lack of emotion, their oblivious indifference to our pleas of help and their disgusting attitude of throwing up sparks after a wet, sloppy kiss.

So, it’s wrong to assume that killing the motherboard will effectively kill your computer. You have to be more thorough.

Before And After
The Hard-where Kill: Before And After

Stand at a height of exactly 14 feet off the ground, hold a watermelon in your hands and extend your hands in front of you to the maximum. Close your eyes, let go of the fruit and quickly turn back to avoid the blood splatter – all in one motion. This requires a lot of practice, and it’s useful to have at least three melons handy. Once you’re sure that you’ve got the technique perfected, go unhook the computer’s monitor and imagine that it’s the watermelon. It makes for great reality TV too, so be sure to call AXN or any of those other cheap-thrill TV channels to capture the shards of glass and innards of the monitor flying in all direction.

Once the monitor is dead, pick up the motherboard and dump it in your water tank. A clean kill.

Serves them right, the idiot boxes!

The Soft-snare Kill

This is a more delicate and time-consuming process that requires a lot of patience. Install Windows Vista and wait.

Windows Vista is an operating system that works on the principle of camouflage and deception. Appearances can be so deceptive – it will make the computer feel all warm and cozy and important, but it’ll kill your system from the inside completely and comprehensively over time. All you have to do is wait and smile an evil smile, showing the same amount of sadism and indifference that the computer had once shown you.

Serves them right, the bastards!

The Why-rus Kill

Computer viruses are ubiquitous in nature. There are people who have spent their whole lives writing malicious bits of code and dangerous programs (because they didn’t have anything better to do and their girlfriends/boyfriends ditched them and their parents didn’t love them enough), and there are people who have spent their whole lives trying to protect computers from these viruses (because they didn’t have anything better to do and their girlfriends/boyfriends ditched them and their parents didn’t love them enough).

A little-known method of killing a computer is to open up the motherboard and sneeze on it a million times a day, infecting it with snot, dirt, phlegm and of course, the rhinovirus. Mankind, who’s been around for so many millenia, hasn’t been able to find a cure for this virus (that causes cold and God only knows why it’s called a Rhinovirus!), and there’s no way in Hell the bloody computers will.

Serves them right, the dumb machines!

Contact me for a free demo! 😀

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The Funny Guy! :)

Nikhil31 Comments

I have recently been awarded the dubious distinction of being Mr. Funny Guy by my friends. I should be honored, and to an extent, I am. How this title came about and why I am not really satisfied with it will be apparent after you read this whole post. 🙂

It was a dark and gloomy Wednesday evening, around six, when I decided to wrap things up in the office and go all the way to Yelahanka, where my brother was waiting in the police station after his bike had been towed away. I had to go there and pay the fine of 600 bucks to bail the bike out. When I left, the rain had just about abated and I made quick time in traveling the 30-odd miles to Yelahanka. We both got drenched on the way back, but that seems to be a minor point of little or no interest to the readers, who’re probably well accustomed to my bouts of bad luck. I met a few friends for dinner that night and decided to liven up the night with a joke.

“Okay, people! I am going to tell you a joke!” I announced. Everyone fell silent and listened intently, being aware of my reputation for spinning a lovely yarn. I was actually trying to impress my friend’s cute cousin who’d joined us. She was sitting next to me and seemed to be hanging on my every word. I desperately wanted to impress her and make her smile. So, I dug into my vast database of corny jokes and pulled out the best one!:D

“There was this scientist,” I began, “and he had just invented a biologically-engineered refrigerator. The fridge was so cool (no puns intended!) that it could order groceries online and make instant breakfast. It ran on some pretty cool DNA-computing circuits and was state-of-the-art! It was more intelligent than the most intelligent computers of the day. So, this scientist was selected for the Nobel Prize that year.”

I looked at the cute girl, paused for effect, and smiled. Everyone on the table was gripped. “The Nobel Committee waned him to fly over to Stockholm and demonstrate his bio-engineered refrigerator. So, this scientist rented a single engine Cessna plane and started his journey. Halfway through the flight, the single engine died and the plane began to crash. The pilot screamed, “Hey scientist! We are too heavy and the plane can’t handle it! You have to throw your fridge out!”

“No way!” screamed the scientist. “I have given my whole life for this invention!”

“Look, fella! If we don’t throw it overboard, we’re all going to die. It’s too heavy. You have your research data with you anyway. It’s just a question of assembling it again. Please understand!”

“So, this scientist, after careful deliberation, opened the door with a heavy heart and threw the fridge out.”

I stopped talking and took a sip of water and leaned back with a smile. Everyone on the table were leaning forward, intently waiting. “Then what happened?” asked the cute girl next to me.

“Nothing,” I said. “That’s the end of the story. ”

When they all realized that I had conned them, it was too late. The expression on their faces was a million dollar one. I started laughing out so loud that I drowned their angry retorts and groans and the hotel manager came up, glared at me and said, “Sir, please don’t laugh so loud. You’re disturbing the other guests!”

I continued laughing in a whisper and the other people around the table were ready to drown me in my tomato soup. “Okay guys, I am sorry,” I said. “I’ll make it up to you. I’ll tell you a better joke this time and I swear on the graves of all the men, women and children who died building this hotel that you will not be disappointed.”

My reputation as a funny guy preceded me and they all agreed to give me one more chance. “Last chance,” said the cute girl next to me. “I’ll slap you if you do this again.”

I wanted to tell her that I would do anything to get her to slap me because that would mean she would have to touch me. Oh, she was so cute!! 😀

“Okay, get ready,” I announced and cleared my throat. “There’s this beautiful lake in the middle of nowhere and in the center of the lake is a small islet on which the most beautiful flower is growing. The lake is infested with crocodiles and sharks and piranhas and just about any man-eating critter nature has created. On the banks of the lake, a man and a woman are sitting, cuddled up. They are very much in love with each other. The woman asks the man to swim across and get that flower for her. He protests and says that he’s going to killed trying to cross the lake. “Is this how much you love me?” asks the girl, very depressed. So, the man takes offense and says, “If you want me to prove my love to you, then I will cheat death and get you the flower.” He strips down and starts swimming. He battles all the critters that come in his way and finally reaches the middle of the lake, plucks the flower and swims back, again battling nature’s fury. He reaches the shore and climbs out holding the flower. And then, right in front of the woman’s eyes, he dies!”

I paused for effect. “Why did he die?” I asked, looking around at everyone.

They were all listening to my story so intently that one of them immediately said, “The flower was poisonous”

“No,” I said.

“Something attacked him!”

“No”

“He had a heart attack?”

“No”

The cute girl then said, “Tell me, tell me! Please!”

I couldn’t ignore her cries. Oh, and her voice was so sweet. So, I told them the answer – “The fridge fell on him!”

For two minutes there was complete silence and I inched closer to the cute girl and turned my head at an angle so that she could get a good whack at my cheek. But to my surprise, she burst out laughing and so did the others. They liked the stupid joke! I was so annoyed!

So, that’s how I got the title and that’s why I am not too excited about it! She didn’t slap me! Now, I don’t know when I am going to see her next. Damn! 😦