Things Women Do

understanding women

Based on a true story. (Almost)

There’s this girl.. She’s in love with a boy. Now, the girl and the boy have been in love for quite a while and very recently, the boy popped the question and asked the girl to marry him. They’re both doing reasonably well in life with good steady jobs and a decent amount of money tucked away for the future. Now, when the boy proposed, the girl said, “Oh wow. I’m stunned. I need some time to think about it.”

Though he was a bit disappointed, the boy agreed and told her that she can take all the time she needs, that he really loves her, and all the jazz. A few days later, the boy asked the girl about where she was on the proposal, and she asked him if he was sure about it.

“What do you mean by that?” he asked, a bit confused.

“Are you sure about marriage? I mean, you hardly know me,” she said.

“But we’ve been together so long and I thought it was the right time to solidify things. I don’t want to get married immediately, but we could get engaged,” said the lovestruck, albeit disappointed boy. He had a sinking feeling in his gut.

The girl went on to explain how they were still too young to think about marriage and engagements and suggested that they both take some time to think about it. “It’s a huge deal,” she told him. “We need to be sure about this.”

The boy did not tell her that he was shattered and disillusioned, but put up a brave front and told her that he was ready to wait until she was ready. “We’ll make it work,” he told her. And life went on, with them taking one day at a time.

“I have an idea,” said the girl, a few days later when the boy broached the topic of the unanswered proposal. “Why don’t you marry my sister and we can have an extramarital affair?”

Jesus Christ. Women are difficult to understand, let alone live with. I wonder what the boy did.

Image Courtesy: Blaugh.com

Message In A Bottle

Her memories still haunt me sometime. It has been half a decade since I last told her that I loved her, and it has been less than a year since she told me to die a painful death. Its strange how the heart works – it seeks out the unobtainable and covets it. I sometimes lie awake at night thinking about her face, her smile, her lovely hair, her scent, her eyes – and feel this incredible amount of pain coursing through every sinew, blaming myself for what happened and wondering what might have happened if things had turned out differently. I reach out to touch her lips and clutch at thin air.

I have caught myself wondering at times, whether she were the pinnacle of my existence. Whether everything I’ve done since she left, everything I’ve achieved or failed to achieve, all the adolations and the accusations that came after her, was just an insignificant grain of sand on a beach. I have caught myself at times, going through all those mails and letters we wrote to each other back then, expressing our undying, everlasting, unconditional love for each other. Maybe I was too young to realize what love really was. Or maybe I was too stupid to believe in its idealism.

I don’t know where she is, I don’t know what she is doing right now. I don’t know if she is married, has kids, is working somewhere or stydying something. I don’t have her email ID. I definitely don’t have her phone number. She doesn’t follow me on Facebook, Myspace or Twitter. And I don’t have her on any of my IMs. If it weren’t for the old email and letters that I have saved, its as if she does not exist. As if she had not existed in the first place. Someone as pure and as beautiful as her must have been ethereal, a figment of my imagination.

Just in case, hoping against hope, that she is out there somewhere, and hoping that she can read this, then all I want to say to her is that I do understand what love really is. This is probably my message in a bottle for her. I am keeping my fingers crossed and I hope that it gets picked up. I remember those days quite clearly. I remember those days so clearly that I wish things were that simple again. I wish life had not gotten in our way. I wish life would have remained so… completely musical.

The Dummy’s Guide To Breaking Up!

So, here we are again, after a few rants and a lot more beer, trying to learn some of the basic things in life through the evergreen Dummy’s Guide. This time round, the scientists at the MirrorCracked Labs decided to be a bit more human and latched on to topics that are studied and researched the least around the world – breaking up, ditching and getting ditched. Not many people want to talk about it, but psychologically speaking, it’s a very easy thing to talk about, especially after a few rounds of vodka. Alcohol loosens tongues.

There are guides to lose a girl and there are guides to lose a guy, but The Dummy’s Guide is perhaps the most comprehensive of the lot.

Anyway, the MirrorCracked Labs decided to publish their research here, after careful observations with spy cameras, hidden microphones and tapped telephones. For anyone who is in a relationship they don’t want to be in, this is a must read. Follow these techniques and you’ll be single again, that’s a guarantee. The Love Guru endorses these techniques, by the way, so no need to worry about the credibility of the claims.

It’s Not You, It’s Me…

Popularized by Seinfeld and immortalized by the Love Guru millions of times, the “It’s not you, it’s me” routine works wonders when dealing with stubborn partners. I know many of us would just wish that we could say the things we think about, on their faces, but unfortunately, that would get us killed. For instance, there was this girl who once accused me of ‘taking advantage’ of her when she was drunk, and I really wanted to say, “I wouldn’t take advantage of you even if you were not drunk, and even if I did, it would be a disadvantage, you paranoid bitch,” but I ended up saying, “Of course not, baby. You can trust me,” and we cuddled the whole night. I broke up with her the next evening using the “it’s not you, it’s me” routine.

This is what you need to do. Take your partner to a very nice restaurant and sit across the table and stare into your partner’s eyes and tell them, “Look, this really is not what I had in mind when I started seeing you. I am really crazy in my head and my notions of love and relationships are obsolete. You’re a great person and I am sure you deserve someone much better than me.”

Then your partner will look shocked, maybe shed a few tears and ask you, “Please don’t say such things.”

And you should say, “It’s not you, it’s me. It’s just me. I am not the right person for you. Let’s not argue further.” Hold your partner’s hands while saying the line, it adds to the effect. Trust me, this always works.

I Need A Break…

This technique is ideal for people  below 25 years of age, and those who are not considering a commitment with your partner. More often than not, your partner will be seriously considering committing and would want to marry you or something. So, once you see the signs (excessive drooling around you, stupid look in the eyes, blindly agreeing to whatever you say, every conversation leading to marriage and future and babies), you should make sure that you break it off.

Take your partner to the place where you first went out for a date, or any other nice coffee shop would suffice. Tell your partner that you need a break and that you just want to be friends and that you have a career to think about at that moment in your life. Your partner will be confused and won’t understand what you’re hinting at. Then you should say, “I don’t want to date you anymore.”

If your partner still doesn’t get it, then you shouldn’t be with that person in the first place!

I’m Already Married…

If neither of the two routines are applicable to you, then the best and (sometimes) the safest way is to tell your partner that you’re already married. Choose a public place to tell them this, because there are chances that they might get violent. To be sure, call the cops beforehand.

The Other Routines…

Other guides would probably harp on other routines and the most popular one I found was to tell your partner that you’re gay. This is a big No-No! Do not tell your partner that you’re gay, because you have no idea what effect this will have on your image in the market. Your partner will stop at nothing to make the whole world know that you’re gay and that will seriously affect your chances of scoring with anyone else. Dialogues like, “Oh, you’re that homo, aren’t you?” and “Don’t I know you from somewhere? Oh yeah, I remember. I’m sorry, I don’t date homosexuals” become quite common and your life will be miserable.

If You Get Dumped…

…then, don’t worry. Just contact me and tell me your problems and why you were dumped and I will take up your case in the MirrorCracked Labs and figure out a way to make your life better. 😀