If I Were A Politician…

Ever since I was a kid, I’ve been drawn to showing off my accomplishments to others. I have been inclined to step over others for my successes and I’m very fascinated by money. Not money in the bank, but cold, hard cash. I have very few morals and principles in life and I am easily bored with uninteresting people. I love fame and glory and I revel in other people’s accolades. I have a very huge ego and I think I’m God. I love and hate people fiercely and I hate to lose someone I love. I love to lose someone I hate, and not just lose, but to see them dig their own grave and nail themselves in the coffin.

I am a fantastic orator and I can sway people with my words. I have a knack for convincing people to see things from my point of view and I hate it when it fails. I love doing shady deals for lots of money, though I am yet to do one so far. I love being on television and I love seeing myself being written in the papers.

I think I’d make a fantastic politician. Just what the country needs at this point. Someone with a sense of humor and the ability to make the citizens feel good about being fleeced for their money.

I think I am ready for it. Money Fame Politics, here I come! Or, maybe not. I don’t know if I’m ready to be assassinated yet.

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Jingles, Jangles And Balls :)

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I've been good this year, I promise! 🙂

Dear Santa,

How’ve you been? I hope you’re keeping yourself warm? Guess what, Santa: It’s that time of the year again, where we all become spies and secret agents. The Secret Santa game started in office today, and each one of us picked chits and we became the Secret Santa of the person whose name we picked. It’s all hush-hush in office today, with everyone guessing and double-guessing who their Secret Santa is.

I’ve been trying to reach you for the past two days, and you’re not answering your phone!

I’ve been a good boy this year, Santa. I really have. You gotta believe me. I did my chores, I’ve remained single, I’ve forgiven them all, I’ve forgotten them all, I’ve been honest (to an extent), I’ve been regular on the blogs, I’ve given up trying to quit smoking, I’ve not used more than 150 swear words a day, I’ve not broken many hearts, I’ve not given the finger to many losers, I’ve prayed hard for beer, I’ve worked hard, I’ve partied harder, I’ve hardly touched anything that I’m not supposed to touch, I’ve written no more than 2 hate mails, I’ve haven’t killed anyone or anything, I’ve done all that I could to ensure my level of atrociousness, I’ve washed myself before and after, I’ve been clean (in a non-drug-related way; you know what I mean, Santa; wink wink), I’ve not been wasting my food, I’ve fed a few hungry people, I’ve been nicer to dogs this year, I’ve done my bit for the environment, I’ve stayed out of jail, I’ve donated blood and other body fluids to people in need, I’ve thought really hard about running a marathon, I’ve not made prank calls, I’ve not asked for much from you before, and we both know that you’ve not given anything I’ve asked for, you jackass.

But this time, please, there’s something I really want and I really really hope that there’s an internet connection wherever you are, so that you’re reading this, please grant me the following:

1. My Paycheck

That’s it. That’s all I ask. Please?

Love,
Nikhil

It’s A Punny World! :)

Punny WorldMy first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned because I couldn’t concentrate. Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn’t hack it, so they gave me the axe. After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn’t suited for it. The job was only so-so anyhow. Next I tried working in a muffler factory, but that was exhausting. I wanted to be a barber, but I just couldn’t cut it. I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn’t cut the mustard.

My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn’t note worthy. I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn’t have any patience. When I finally got a patient, he woke up in the hospital and screamed, “Doctor, I can’t feel my leg! Help!” to which, I replied, “I know! I’ve cut off your arms!”

Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried, but I just didn’t fit in. I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn’t live on my net income. I thought about becoming a witch, so I tried that for a spell. I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining. My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit, because it was always the same old grind. After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a historian, until I realized there was no future in it.

And after reading this post, you’re probably going to experience Deja Moo – the feeling that you’ve heard this bull before. 😀

A good pun is its own reword.

Thanks For All The Spit!

There comes a time in every PR guy’s quotidian life when he questions himself thus:

  1. Who am I?
  2. What am I supposed to be doing?
  3. Where are my pants?

I did this yesterday and realized that I could answer two-thirds of the above questionnaire and felt very happy about myself. Just because I am in a good mood, I will share my responses with you.

Who am I?

A mildly confused, over-ambitious, relatively ignorant (I ignore my relatives), slightly overweight, extremely shortsighted, creatively challenged, socially active, coffee guzzling, beer loving, nicotine liking, technologically superior neanderthal. I wear worn-out clothes to work. My clients like me and the media is noncommittal, but I’m sure they like me too. I care deeply for a few people and for a few people, my care runs shallow.

What am I supposed to be doing?

Apparently, I am supposed to be working hard, trying to pretend that I know what I am doing. I accomplish this task with a positive nonchalance.  I am supposed to be wrapping up the day’s work early, today being a Friday. I am supposed to be thinking of newer pick-up lines for the sweet girl who thinks I am being not serious when I say I like her a lot.

Where are my pants?

I have no idea. Someone stole a pair of my jeans yesterday night, when they had been hung out to dry. The only reason I had washed them in the first place was because someone spit on them. Yup, you read it right. Someone spit on them. Stuck in traffic yesterday morning at 8:00 am, on my way to work, I was thinking how a day could begin any worse.

Just when the thought crossed my mind, I heard someone clear their nose and take a deep snort and spit out a major blob of sputum. It so happened that this environmentally conscious citizen was sitting at a window seat of a crowded bus and that window just happened to be right where I was standing. The blob of spit landed on my left leg, just above the ankle and forced me to lose my temper, scream at that guy, show him the finger thrice and call him a ‘Fuck-headed fucker.’

I returned home, put the pants in the washer and came to work late. I went back home at night to discover that someone had stolen the pair of pants. I pity whoever stole them.

Thanks for all the spit, you fuck-headed fucker. 😀

It’s A Burpy Ride!

Chennai!!
Chennai!!

I went to Chennai on Friday for a day’s work and caught the 9.30 pm bus back on the same day. It was a Volvo bus and quite comfortable. As soon as I entered the bus, the sticky humid heat of Chennai was forgotten and I settled into my cozy seat and put my feet up and pushed by seat back a long way until I heard the squeal of terror from an old hag sitting behind me, whom I’d just crushed, and sighed contentedly. It had been a tiring day, made more tiring because of the heat, and I’d sweated all the three litres of water I’d consumed. I took a long swig from my bottle of cold mineral water and held the bottle up against the side of my face. It felt so good. I could feel my body cooling down, and I smiled to myself. I’d be home by 5 am tomorrow, and in the peace and privacy of my own private toilet, I’d answer Nature’s calls. 😀

Just when my eyes were half closed and my mind was imagining something romantic, I heard heavy footsteps climb up through the door and I felt something heavy plonk itself down next to me. I ventured a peek and saw that there was a huge, obese man who was breathing heavily after his exertions of climbing up the three steps of the bus. He wheezed loudly and I thought he was going to have a heart attack, but thankfully, he didn’t. He had a bottle of water in his huge, pudgy hands and he drank half of it in loud gulps. He then leaned back in his seat, turned his head towards me and burped. 😀

I jerked up and glared at this mountain of flesh masquerading as a human being, and made my best angry-disgusted face. He excused himself and three minutes later, he was snoring away. I was apalled. I tried to forget the incident and read my book for the next hour, when the bus stopped for dinner at a wayside restaurant. The fat guy went down, and a few peaceful minutes later, came back up with a creame bun and some Ruffles Lays and these he devoured with an admirable speed. 😀

Just when I thought the trip would be uneventful, the jerk began picking his nose and rolling up his snot into tiny balls and tossing them around. I cried out loud within myself and covered myself with the sheet and tried my best to control my anger!

A harrowing 5-hour ride later, we entered Bangalore and finally, I was free from the indignations of the mountain of snot. The bus driver burped as I was alighting and the auto driver burped as I was getting into the auto. I caught a glimpse of the sky as I climbed in, and saw that the moon was crescent, almost resembling an evil smile! 😀

Beers, Laughs and WordPress Themes!

Thursday night was a blur – it was May 1st, Labor Day, and I was working hard in office till almost 8 pm. If that wasn’t ironic enough, then try this: I had to attend a press conference the next day and I was supposed to go in complete formal wear and be on my best behavior – so, I got drunk that night, celebrating Labor Day and went to the press conference in an unpressed shirt and carrying a mega-hangover! I know a lot of people will read this and judge me and call me an irresponsible jerk who doesn’t deserve to be employed, but in my defense, I didn’t plan on getting drunk and I don’t have formal wear! I wonder if this argument will hold up in court or if I’ll be thrown in a mental asylum to be evaluated. Hmm… 😀

Anyway, that night, I met Rags and Panday – two of my closest friends – and we went to this place called Tavern. The place was quite empty when we reached at 8.30 pm and by the time we ordered the second pitcher of cold draught, the place was overflowing and the music drowned our voices. We laughed and laughed and remembered all the strange things that have happened to each one of us, and wished time could stand still…

By the end of the night, this is how we looked:

Rags looked quite sane because all she drank was two mugs, constantly being paranoid about her health cehck-up as part of the Australian Visa thingy! And Panday is a regular fish-tank when it comes to booze, and we both gulped down most of it. I felt so buzzed that I decided to change my wordpress theme!!!

Ok, here’s where logic is thrown out of the window. I was high on alcohol and in that dazed state of mind, I realized that my wordpress theme looked gay-ish. 😀

I’d better change it!! So, here’s the effect! A new theme that’s here to stay, hopefully as long as my old, faithful Light did.

Akhil and Chucks, if you both are reading this, then we missed you both big time!

Cheers!!! 😀

I was…

Isn’t it fun! Balu, Rekha and Barath have tagged and all three are very very interesting tags. I wonder if I can do justice to them! Actually, this time, I’ll leave the tag open and I urge everyone to do these tags, because they’re really really intriguing! But I’m forcing Ruhi to do this tag!! 😀

Let me rack whatever little brains I’ve been blessed with and try to come up with absolutely stupid nice responses to them! Here goes…!

Tag 1:

Eight things I am passionate about :

1. Mountain Dew!! Do the Dew!!

2. Chicken Biryani! (If anyone reading this is a PETA activist, then please read this as Vegetable Biryani!)

2. Hot tea early in the morning!!

4. Ahem Ahem…

5. Pink Floyd’s songs! We don’t need no education! 😀

6. My job!

7. Blogging! It’s a religion! 😀

8. All my 450 novels!! 😀

Eight things I want to do before I die:

1 – 7: Visit all the seven wonders of the world! 😀

8. Invent a potion that’ll make me immortal! 😀

Eight things I say often:

Unfortunately, I swear a lot! I know, it doesn’t sound like me, but sometimes, I get really mad at people around me and pejoratives just burst forth like a dam breaking. Since I don’t want WordPress to delete my blog for being obscene, I’ll refrain myself! 😀

Eight books I have read recently:

The Bourne Series, Life of PI, Inside Intuit, Tintin in Tibet, Tintin in America and currently, Tintin and the Red Sea Sharks! 😀

Tag 2:

List 10 TV shows that made TV worth watching:

I’m a huuuuuge couch potato, and there’s not a single show that I’ve not seen. But, if I had to pick 10, then they’d have to be:

1. The Simpsons, who made my day! 😀

2. Home Improvement, where Tim Allen still cracks me up!

3. House MD, in which Hugh Laurie portrays my dream job!

4. The X-Files, which made me question my existence and made me look up to the heavens.

5. The Crystal Maze, which, till today, remains the best reality game show ever created!!!

6. Rugrats, which made me smile every night before I slept.

7. Bones, which aired recently on Fox, and got me hooked on to the idiot box.

8. Numbers, to which I was introduced by MN, and which gripped me hard! 😀

9. Mission Impossible, which was a series on which the popular movies were based. i like them better than the movies. 😀

10. Remington Steele, which made me fall in love with Pierce Brosnan’s acting!! 😀

Tag 3:

(I like this one the best because this got me really thinking, something I don’t do often!)

I modified this one a bit, and here’s what I’d do in the next 9 minutes:

7.49 pm: I need a smoke! 😀

7.50 pm: I need a cold cold beer! 😀

7.51 pm: I want to fly away on Emirates Airlines to Dubai and live the life of a bedouin!

7.52 pm: I would much rather have a cup of tea than coffee, thanks! 🙂

7.53 pm: Stop blogging, you’re in office and you’ve got to work!!

7.54 pm: Damn, it’s almost 8 and I need to go home!

7.55 pm: I need a smoke! 🙂

7.56 pm: Tomorrow’s Saturday!! Yippee!!! 😀

7.57 pm: Someone call me, please! I’m bored! 😀

7.58 pm: Shit, I badly need a smoke! 😀

Told you it would be interesting! Go ahead, try it! 😀