Return To The Bay Of Pigs!

A long, long time ago, I had written a piece on how men can be more successful in wooing women. I had come across a lot of men who had complained to me about the difficulties they were facing when trying to talk to a woman or flirt with a woman.

Recently, a close stranger read this post (titled ‘Bay Of Pigs’) and decided to write a rebuttal for each of the points, this time from a woman’s perspective. What started out as an experiment in killing time soon became an insightful glimpse into the mind of women, what they think of men and what they expect from a man when he tries to flirt.

You need to read the original post for this to make sense, because in the interest of time and keeping in mind my readers with attention deficit disorders, I’ve edited those parts of this article that belong to the original.

Bay Of Pigs: Redux

(Note: The text in italicized black is part of the original post, while the text in brown belongs to the stranger, the woman who wanted to argue. Any mistakes in spelling or grammar are entirely my own and not the fault of the guest author.)

men-are-pigs

Men are pigs.

They say that God created Man because he was bored and that He created Woman because he needed a challenge. Man is the blueprint while Woman is the masterpiece. […] Men can consider this post as an eye-opener and take stock of what qualities they lack, and women can consider this post as an easy read and be amazed at my insight into the female mind.

Men are pigs. Truer words were never spoken!

1. Sense of humor: Most women look for funny men. But be warned, being funny does not mean cracking inane jokes and making complete idiots of yourself. It’s the wit that counts and not your ability to remember jokes. […] Just make sure you’re laughing with them, and recognize when they’re laughing at you!

A good sense of humour does appear to be amongst the top 3 of “what women want”, and the author appears to have it figured out. I think this is what most women want. On the other hand, I wouldn’t want a man that can make me laugh as such, rather, I like it when a man can keep it simple. By this I mean, a light and easy-going conversation is favored. I am the kind of person that is rather shameless, and have no qualms about laughing at myself. Men seem to love making jokes at the expense of the ladies around them, and get terribly disappointed when it isn’t received well by their female counterpart. In that regard, I am a good subject of jokes, I would say, because I almost always laugh along.

2. Build: Women are very realistic unlike men, and they know that not all men can have a body as hot as Arnie and Stallone. […] We men need to be realistic, and not stupidly optimistic. All women are hot, no exceptions!

Let me make this clear – most women do not aspire to be at the arm of men like Arnie; Stallone maybe, but not because of his build! Men are the only ones that want Arnie bodies. I wouldn’t want a “flabby piece of shapeless dough” (I’m shallow that way) I would like a fit guy though. Let’s face it – they’re so much more fun to look at, and show off! We women tend to look awesome pretty much all of the time (unless we’re caught in midst of beauty treatments like face masks or oily hair) and men need to realise they should at least try to live up to the standard we set so early on. Digressing from build, allow me also to add that well-groomed (which means well dressed, clean and smelling good, just in case you’re clueless) is what we’re looking for. So if you’re going to show up in denims and a sweatshirt, make sure you look cute while you’re at it, would you?

3. Chivalry: The concept of chivalry, for most men, stops at holding the door open to women. Wake up, men! That’s not all what women look for in the chivalry department. […] It takes great skill and greater patience to hold your own and also defend her while arguing in a group.

Ah! This is the tricky one. You don’t want to be chivalrous to a point where we constantly feel like damsels with faint hearts,  but you don’t want to be so aloof that we feel like you don’t care. It has to be just the right amount. That’s all I will say here. Why should we make it easy for you all the way? 

4. Possessiveness: Women like men to be possessive about them. It makes them feel special and wanted. […] For more advice on this, mail me.

Do men actually enjoy being possessive? Oh yes, you have the whole Neanderthal way of expressing ownership. You might as well pee all over us to state we’re “yours”! I personally don’t like possessive men. If a guy were to “tell me at every opportunity that they’re….” yaaaaaaaawn.. Oh MY, I think I just dozed off there a second! No no noooo! I really don’t want to hear that, I’d probably end up punching you in the nose!

5. Music: Women hate tone-deaf men. Every woman has a particular taste in music and it may not always match with yours. […] Listen to her favorite tracks with her, and encourage her to play it again if she wants to. You can pull your hair out later, when you’re alone.

Looking at the next point I’d like to say, mood music is very important – make it sensuous, trust me, you’ll enjoy it too (if you can get past the fact that you’re getting it on!) I don’t know about most women’s taste in music, but I’m always open to listening to new genres of music. In fact, most of the music I listen to today was introduced to me by men. If you don’t listen to death metal and the screeching, banging sort, I’m good to go. Some women really seem to enjoy sappy music, and that’s where I think you men should just take a stance and say, “hell no!” (and knock some sense into your lady’s head, please!)

6. Sex: Do not, I repeat, do not push the woman for a physical relationship. Women are very, very careful in this matter and if you push the wrong buttons (no puns intended) you come across as a sexually-frustrated despo! Be careful!

You have to tread carefully in this department. Women may say they are alright with casual sex, and want no strings, etc. but trust me, they almost always hope that strings will develop, that they dazzle you with their sexual skills, and you’ll fall in love with them. Sometimes that does happen, but I’ve noticed that men are capable of knowing the difference and maintaining it, women are NOT. I would suggest, if you really like the girl, take it at an easy pace in this department, and things will fall into place nicely.

7. Family Values: Most women like men who have good family values. Respect her parents and her family and she will like you all the more. Never ever call her dad “Dude!” or “Old Man!” because that will being down your brownie points!

What gets to me the most about a lot of Indian men is that they’re “mumma’s boys” and they want their partners to be as domestically awesome as their mothers. It’s all very well that you love your folks, in fact, I endorse it, but come on – recognize! I don’t know about other women, but that’s a big turn off for me. On the other hand, I don’t expect that my partner will get along brilliantly with my folks. It’s almost a universal fact that there will be friction between them. That’s what keeps life interesting, eh?

(On an entirely unrelated note – what exactly are brownie points? Am I allowed to cash them in for an actual brownie or two?)

8. Perseverance: Women like to be pursued with vigor. They hate being ‘flung’ around, if you know what I mean. […] Trust me, it works!

This one’s true, makes us feel special and adds the whole romantic movie atmosphere to real life. Lots of fun! Keep it real, don’t be a big pile of mush, because that gets old real quick. We like to be shy and coy and play hard to get – it makes the whole deal feel that much more special. Indulge us, would you?

9. Fighting: Fights are inevitable in every relationship, and when there are situations where you know that the reason is trivial, just take the blame. […] You do not blame the woman!

Don’t be irrational, that’s all. We are always right, that’s true, but we would get suspicious if you always agree – we’re smart that way. And that would lead to a whole new set of fights! So pick your battles, men, put your ego aside, in fact, maybe its best if you forget you have one, while you’re with us! 

10. The Ex- factor: Do not, I repeat, do not maintain contacts with your ex- girlfriends while you’re pursuing a woman, or when you’re in another relationship. […]

Hmmm, this one is a bit tricky. If you’re staying in the same city as your ex, and have common friends, you are bound to run into her, right? What we want to see is that you’re over her, and there is no residual anything for her. You’re better off if you cut all contact, unless you want to see us turn into raging lunatics? Oh and by the way, we’re complete hypocrites about our own exes – we will want to remain “friends” with ours, and you’re not allowed to protest. So there.

Good luck. Live long and prosper. If you didn’t understand that, you’re no fun, and you’re not a geek, which is what women want! (Or do we?)

AUTHOR’S NOTE

It takes great literary skill and greater convincing skills to get a chance to write for, or be featured on MirrorCracked. To have successfully passed all the barriers and made it on to this forum, I would like to personally extend a warm greeting to the lovely stranger (who has expressed her wish to remain anonymous) for her time and effort in helping men pick up women.

One beer coming your way, ma’am.

We are open for comments, opinions and brickbats, which I will deftly deflect in the stranger’s direction.

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And So, The Crappy Year Finally Ends!

It took 365 days for this year to end. Usually, I wouldn’t have noticed how quickly the time flies and would have said some inane comment like, “I didn’t know how quickly the time flew this year!” but this time it’s different. It took an eternity for the year to end.

It was a crappy year, with good memories few and far between. Resisting the temptation to lash out at certain people,  slander a lot more and regret a lot of choices I’ve taken and decisions that I’ve made, I’ll try to re-live those moments that were worth remembering.

PS: All pictures have either been clicked by me or I hold the exclusive copyrights to them.

Brooklyn Bridge, NYC
January: Brooklyn Bridge, NYC
View From The Brooklyn Bridge
January: View From The Brooklyn Bridge
Central Park, NYC
January: Central Park, NYC

nyc-collage

Buffalo, NY
February - March: Buffalo, NY
Niagara Falls
February - March: Niagara Falls
Niagara Falls
February - March: Niagara Falls
Gokarna
April - June: Gokarna
Gokarna
April - June: Gokarna
Self-obsessed Photography
July - August: Self-obsessed Photography
Honing My Super Skills
August - September: Honing My Super Skills

I really hope all of you have had a much better year than I have. I wish you all a fantastic new year ahead! Don’t bother making resolutions – they’re too optimistic to live up to! 🙂

Jingles, Jangles And Balls :)

)
I've been good this year, I promise! 🙂

Dear Santa,

How’ve you been? I hope you’re keeping yourself warm? Guess what, Santa: It’s that time of the year again, where we all become spies and secret agents. The Secret Santa game started in office today, and each one of us picked chits and we became the Secret Santa of the person whose name we picked. It’s all hush-hush in office today, with everyone guessing and double-guessing who their Secret Santa is.

I’ve been trying to reach you for the past two days, and you’re not answering your phone!

I’ve been a good boy this year, Santa. I really have. You gotta believe me. I did my chores, I’ve remained single, I’ve forgiven them all, I’ve forgotten them all, I’ve been honest (to an extent), I’ve been regular on the blogs, I’ve given up trying to quit smoking, I’ve not used more than 150 swear words a day, I’ve not broken many hearts, I’ve not given the finger to many losers, I’ve prayed hard for beer, I’ve worked hard, I’ve partied harder, I’ve hardly touched anything that I’m not supposed to touch, I’ve written no more than 2 hate mails, I’ve haven’t killed anyone or anything, I’ve done all that I could to ensure my level of atrociousness, I’ve washed myself before and after, I’ve been clean (in a non-drug-related way; you know what I mean, Santa; wink wink), I’ve not been wasting my food, I’ve fed a few hungry people, I’ve been nicer to dogs this year, I’ve done my bit for the environment, I’ve stayed out of jail, I’ve donated blood and other body fluids to people in need, I’ve thought really hard about running a marathon, I’ve not made prank calls, I’ve not asked for much from you before, and we both know that you’ve not given anything I’ve asked for, you jackass.

But this time, please, there’s something I really want and I really really hope that there’s an internet connection wherever you are, so that you’re reading this, please grant me the following:

1. My Paycheck

That’s it. That’s all I ask. Please?

Love,
Nikhil

The Love Guru, Part Deux: Club Singles! :)

Club Singles!
Club Singles!

Single people are single for a reason. They are either hideously ugly, dangerously misinformed about human anatomy or just plain unlucky, among other weirder reasons. For people who’re currently single, which includes me, ironically, I’ve decided to roll out a brand new strategy for attracting members of the opposite sex. Obviously, my advice in The Love Guru hasn’t worked if you’re still single.

I was having this very enlightening conversation with Aravind last night, when we realized that being single isn’t all that bad. By being single:

  • We save a lot of money
  • We save a lot of time
  • We save a lot of energy
  • We can ogle at cute/handsome creatures of the opposite sex without that pang of guilt
  • We don’t need to be near our cell phones all the time
  • We don’t need to worry about getting drunk and puking
  • We don’t have any tensions at all, while doing anything!

Looks like an excellent strategy, doesn’t it? Actually, it is! So good is the strategy that The Love Guru actually recommends it for people. Seriously, be single and you’ll live longer. Your gray hair will take a longer time to make their appearance, and you’ll be broke two weeks after you receive your paycheck, instead of one week, if you were seeing/dating/committed to someone. Makes sense, right? 😀

So, mark this day, people. November 11, 2008 – the day on which The Love Guru officially declares that being single is the ‘in’ thing, no puns intended.

Club Singles is available on Orkut for now. The Facebook counterpart will be up and running soon. So, if you’re not single, then read The Dummy’s Guide To Breaking Up, ditch them, become single and join Club Singles!

PS: Free beer and peanuts for the first 30 people who sign up! 😀

Cheers!

Image Courtesy: Cartoonstock.com

50k – The Art Of Getting Drunk! :)

drunkThe scientists at the MirrorCracked Labs wish to thank all the esteemed readers who have carried this blog past the 50,000 hit milestone. Since it’s humble beginnings in March of this year, it has taken nine months to reach here, and every single person who’s read this blog is much appreciated.

Being the brains behind this outfit, I have decided to dedicate this celebratory post to all of you. We, at the MC Labs decided to get drunk on Saturday night to celebrate this milestone, and in the stupor, made a few life-altering decisions.

Every person has a threshold value when it comes to drinking, and it follows a close relationship with the person’s body mass. If you weigh anything less than the chair on which you are now sitting, then you’ll get high by the fourth mug of beer. I weigh close to a thousand pounds, and it takes a lot to get me drunk. 😀

It all started with a simple phone call – I was bored to death at home when my friend called me and said, “Nikhil, you’re getting drunk today.”

I was a bit confused. “I am?” I asked.

“Yeah. Purple Haze. Kormangala. 2:30. Be there.”

So, that was it. I knew it would be a crazy session, and with the blog stats crossing the elusive milestone, I had a reason to celebrate. So, off I went, despite bad traffic, dirty roads, terrible heat and a reluctant bike.

Slowly and steadily, I built up from a large shot of scotch to 4 large shots of scotch and 5 beers, and promptly crossed the borderline of being tipsy and being punch drunk. I started talking nonsense, screamed out the songs that the DJ was playing, swayed dangerously on the bike while driving and threw up thrice in a coffee shop.

Yeah, I threw up thrice. My friends had dragged me to the coffee shop for some hot, strong black coffee and one sip of the bitter fluid, and I rushed to the men’s room and… well, you get the picture. 😀

So, don’t bother opening the champagne for MirrorCracked’s success – I did that already and then some! 😀

Thanks everyone for giving me an excuse to get drunk! Cheers!! 😀

Wr R U…

Deccan Herald
Image Courtesy: Deccan Herald

Doesn’t the title piss you off? Doesn’t those three words (er, letters) make you wanna rip your hair out and scream out in agony? Doesn’t those three seemingly harmless group of alphabets make you cry out against the injustice meted out to a glorious language – a language that has survived from the start of the previous century (and probably much earlier if we can believe the Anglo-Saxon Chronicle) and has been passed on from one generation to the next like a carefully preserved and prized family heirloom, only to be raped and hacked into little bits and unrecognizable letters like the title above?

Well, this was a text message I received this morning, which promptly put me in a foul mood. I was reading an article yesterday in Deccan Herald about the dominance of Indian English or “Indish” over the Queen’s English, and traces the reasons for Indish being as crappy as it is. Excerpts from the article:

[…] David Crystal’s crystal-gazing could not possibly apply to the various regional accents — probably as numerous as the main languages of India — which imbue Indian English. For instance, a Keralite, a Bengali or a Maharashtrian speaking on the phone can generally be ‘placed’ by his intonation of English – unless he has attended one of the ‘convent’ schools- where the spoken English is closer to the Queen’s English. […] Crystal more likely has in mind syntactical Indish, as in the omission of the definite article ‘the’ and the use of ‘we’ for ‘I’, e.g., ‘we are going to office’; and the omission of ‘or’ in a phrase like ‘two, three persons’.

The more outré usages such as ‘you only told me like that’, or ‘my head is eating circle’, or the ‘big, big’ double-barrelled adjectives used for emphasis are evidently not in the running for global usage. These are close translations of the vernacular.

Indian English manifests itself chiefly in the oral form rather than in writing, which reaches a larger audience. ‘Indish’ now includes arbitrary plurals such as ‘furnitures’. ‘You people’, is often used to mean ‘more than one person’ (a translation of aap log) but can carry racial or belittling overtones. Commonly used translations of Hindi phrases are ‘Close the light’ (for ‘switch off the light’) and ‘Will you take tea?’ (for ‘will you have tea?’)

A mixture of English and Hindi results in such expressions as ek minute, maska-fy (verb formation from maska or butter); and ‘Masaala-movie’ (hotchpotch movie). ‘Pass the time’ has resulted in a compound adjective, as in ‘time-pass movie’.

[…]

I think it’s about time people wake up to the fact that a language is alive only as long as its not hacked and killed. Ah well, at least I’m happy that there are a few sane people left in the world who cringe when someone texts them “Wr R U?”