Vie Hebdomadaires & The Indian James Bond

I have been invited to blog on Vie Hebdomadaires this week. Just a few minutes ago, I published my first post for the week there. I’m cross-posting it here because I don’t want to write something new and use my brain more than necessary. I’m sure the lazy ones out there will understand.

Three things I grew up with, which weren’t a pain in the ass: WordPress, Biker Mice From Mars and Milky Way chocolate bars. I think that pretty much explains who I am.

Three cheers for Rohit for nominating me to write on this blog. I don’t usually take part if deviant blogging experiments, but this one caught my fancy. Also, I forgot the mail Varun and decline the opportunity. So, I told myself that I would find the time to blog once a day here on Vie Hebdomadaires.

The fourth thing I grew up with was James Bond. Each and every movie, each and every Ian Fleming book, at least thrice. It laid the foundation to explore slightly better literature – the likes of Forsyth and Ludlum. I grew up with a false sense of paranoia, imagining myself in a conspiracy, spies watching me from the shadows, the sense of being followed, the non-existent sixth sense of being tracked and monitored. I probably needed a high dose of electroshock therapy as a kid, but I was smart enough not to tell anyone about my fears. Or paranoid enough.

Unfortunately, I made the mistake of talking about this to someone recently. For reasons of secrecy privacy, let’s just call this person as The Goof. I met Goof for a coffee a few days ago in Bangalore, and in the process of making pleasant talk, I told him about my theory. I pointed out three people in the coffee shop, sitting at various tables around us, and indicated to him how well we were being followed and watched. The three spies had boxed us in so well that we couldn’t make a move without either of them seeing it.

Goof listened to me, fascinated, mouth open, and after what seemed like a really long time, said, “Dude, you need stronger coffee.”

I haven’t spoken to Goof since that day, and I don’t know if I ever will. It’s not because he is convinced that I don’t have a fully-functional brain. It’s because the phrase “Dude, you need stronger coffee” seems so much like a code for something. I can’t help but think its something sinister. I have to check the street for strange people and idling cars.

Play safe. Cheers!

Originally posted on Vie Hebdomadaires, on October 3, 2011 at 7:20 PM

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Why I Deserve The Nobel Prize

With a little less than three hours to go for the Nobel Prize 2010 Announcement Ceremony in Sweden, I have decided to enter the race in all the available categories. This post is meant to be read by the arbiters of the Swedish Royal Academy and I do hope that they don’t make the mistake of overlooking me and my remarkable achievements in this regard. I deserve the Nobel Prize for the following compelling reasons. I am an honest man and none of what I write below is falsified.

Nobel Prize in Physics:

I was the first man in the world to explore the physical properties and inconsistencies of photographic film, paving the way for stronger and more secure forms of image storage. This happened when I was ten years old and I took a brick and promptly broke open a 32-exposure Kodak film, the one that rolls into itself. You know what I’m talking about. I took the spoils over to the National Security Agency in the US of A and explained why they needed to invent digital cameras. They took my advice and the history (future?) of photography changed forever. I hereby nominate myself for the 2010 Nobel Prize in Physics for the discovery, invention and exploitation of digital cameras.

Nobel Prize in Medicine:

I was the first, and perhaps the only man in history to record a ten-second footage of what happens to the facial muscles when excessively stimulated by rock music. The video is available here. This discovery paved the way for the recent improvements in plastic surgery and permanent disfigurement clauses in the constitutions of the almost every country in the world. The very fact that you can walk up to a plastic surgeon and tell him/her that you want to look as handsome and stimulated as I do is a testament to my great discovery. I hereby nominate myself for the 2010 Nobel Prize in Medicine for great advances in plastic surgery.

Nobel Prize in Chemistry:

I was the first man in the world to ascertain the true nature of the drug whose comemrcial name is Aspirin. Acetly Salycylic Acid (ASA), as it’s chemically known, was a CIA invention aimed at monitoring the world’s population. Each and every molecule of ASA contains roughly 13 carbon atoms. What the CIA did was replace one of these Carbon atoms with a molecular camera. Anyone who swallowed a pill of Aspirin literally swallowed a tiny camera and gave the CIA complete access to their body’s interior. I discovered this great conspiracy when I accidentally hacked into the CIA’s database when I was five years old by solving a puzzle in a kids’ magazine. (This true life story of mine was then adapted into a movie called Mercury Rising and I made a lot of money out of it.) I brought the whole ASA conspiracy to the attention of the Interpol and they decided to stop the manufacture of Aspirin completely, thus safegaurding the privacy of the world’s population. I hereby, humbly, nominate myself for the 2010 Nobel Prize in Chemistry for revolutionizing the pharmaceutical industry with my own non-traditional ‘drug discovery’.

Nobel Prize in Literature:

MirrorCracked. I won’t say any more. I’m sure you agree.

Nobel Peace Prize:

Well, though I don’t exactly qualify for this award, I would like to bring to the attention of the Royal Swedish Academy that if I’m not given this year’s Nobel Peace Prize, I will sell the other four Nobel Prizes and buy cigarettes and distribute it to freshly-graduated smokers. Read as: 18 year olds. In order to avoid this, I think you should just call it a clean sweep and give me this prize anyway.

I will be available for comments and interviews.

Update: October 8, 2010, 00:01 AM: This article made the wordpress homepage.

Indian Conspiracy Theories

conspiracy-pics

Blog-hopping got me to Keboch’s absurdly hilarious post on Conspiracy Theories here. Which got me thinking. I live in a country rife with political chaos, and every turn gives me to newer and better ideas to ponder on. So, I thought a complete compilation of possible “would-be” and “could-be” scenarios was needed, something that isn’t even there on Wikipedia!

Here I go, building conspiracy theories:

  1. Indian car manufacturers did not include air-bags for so long because the steering wheel had cocaine in them.

  2. The Indian cricket team intentionally loses a match every now and then in order to avoid being struck by the “evil eye.” (In fact, superstition runs so deep in the Indian cricket team that the job application for becoming a national cricketer has a question, “Did a black cat cross in front of you while climbing the stairs of this office?”)

  3. The highly successful Bollywood song – Kabhi Kabhi Aditi – when played backwards, reveals the plans for a top-secret mission in which Indian troops are planning to invade Kenya.

  4. Happydent chewing gum was invented by ISRO, the Indian Space Research Organization –  as an alternative to electric lights on board Chandrayaan.

  5. Vaseline contains 90% alcohol.

  6. CNN IBN was sued by Ronald McDonald’s creator for calling him “The McDonald Duck,” but the lawsuit was never filed. It was settled out of court after Rajdeep Sardesai decided to write a whole blog post apologizing for the misnomer.

  7. Asprin, when it was first made available in India, was so named because of it’s powerful enema actions. The extra ‘s’ was dropped because it became apparent that people were using it from the wrong end.

  8. The Indian currency, especially the 500-rupee note, is made from super-strength alloyed cotton, which has surprising paper-like qualities.

  9. An Indian blogger named Nikhil, who blogs here, is an undercover agent for the Indian secret service. He is conspiring to ask a hot chick out on a date.

  10. Shah Rukh Khan is, in fact, an ugly woman.

There may be a lot of other such conspiracy theories going around. So, let me know if I’ve missed anything juicy. We live in a scary world, don’t we? 😀