The Day I Turned Ninety

Saturday, November 26, 2011 will always remain etched in my memory as a historic occasion, a day to remember and revere as I try to live out the remainder of my days painfully. I aged dramatically that day and it reminded me of The Last Crusade, where the bad guy drinks from the wrong cup and turns into an aged, shriveled skeleton in a matter of seconds.

It was a really bad decision to play a professional cricket match with no practice.

I used to play a lot of cricket as a kid. Played for the school and college teams and garnered a bit of pro experience here and there. I wasn’t a great cricketer, but I wasn’t too bad either. I could hold my own against the real professionals. But, its been an awfully long time since I’ve played competitive, professional cricket, and I’ve been woefully out of touch and practice. I have put on a few extra kilos around the middle and I don’t move as quickly as I used to. I had completely forgotten what a grueling ordeal it is to be out on a cricket field on a hot and humid day for six hours.

As I started with my warm-up stretches in the morning, I wondered whether the exercises had become tougher over the past few years. I soon realized that my body was resisting it after being accustomed to comfortable couches and soft beds. I forced myself to finish the work-out and to my horror, found out that the match had already started, that my team was batting first and that I was to bat at Number 3. For those who are uninitiated into the sport of cricket, if you’re third in the batting order, then you go out to bat as soon as the first wicket falls.

I padded up in a hurry, went out to bat when the first wicket fell and was clean bowled first ball. I didn’t seem to notice the ball zooming past my bat and my sluggish head was still trying to decide what to do about it, while I made the long walk back to the pavilion.

When it was our turn to field, I shuttled from one end of the field to the other after each over and by the time we were halfway through, I was ready to drop dead. I prayed for a natural disaster to disrupt the match, I prayed for the opposition to knock off the runs quickly and I prayed for an excuse that would allow me to get off the field with a feigned ‘injury’.

By the end of the day, after we had lost spectacularly, my feet were beyond pain and I had to remove my shoes and carry them with me as I hopped painfully into a cab to come back home. My entire body was one big bruise. I ached in places I didn’t know could ache. Muscles that I didn’t know I had, hurt each time I did something trivial. It was painful for me to spray deodorant on myself because my finger hurt when I squeezed the can.

The whole of yesterday was spent in recuperating at home, in bed, with timely cups of hot tea.

Saturday, November 26, 2011. The day I stopped being twenty-eight.

The day I turned ninety.

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The Dummy’s Guide To Pissing People Off!

piss_off_guide

Of course! It has to be true! Damn right! You need to piss people off all the time! It’s much like the song ‘Iris’ by Goo Goo Dolls, where he croons, “…yeah you bleed just to know you’re alive!” We need to irritate people around us all the time to feel alive. What’s the point of living if you don’t piss someone off? Huh? Tell me!

The scientists at the MirrorCracked Labs are quite busy these days with the grand opening just round the corner. (Oh, you have to watch the video if you haven’t already! It’s pretty neat! A lovely teaser for the MirrorCracked Labs’ grand opening!)  I use the term ‘grand opening’ quite a lot, don’t I?

Sorry, I digress. As I was saying, the scientists are quite busy plotting planning the grand opening, and have relegated this particular Dummy’s Guide to me and me alone. I hope I do justice.

Pissing people off – the heart and soul of our existence. We wouldn’t be here doing what we are doing if someone a hundred thousand years ago hadn’t pissed someone off and started a war. We wouldn’t be here if someone hadn’t pissed on someone else’s joy! You wouldn’t be reading this if someone hadn’t pissed me off and made me write this. So, you have to agree with me that it’s quite important to piss people off all the time. It’s our god-given right. It’s why we were given a voice. It’s why were given the ability to ridicule and irritate and point fingers and laugh. It’s our duty! 🙂

So, how do we do it? How do we achieve the perfect balance between pissing someone off and not getting slapped, shot, kicked in the nuts, stabbed in the back, kicked in the nuts, slapped, slapped, punched in the face, kicked in the nuts again or pushed off a cliff? It takes great care and patience to achieve this feat, and it’s not easy. You need to pay attention.

Pissing Men Off

arnold_angryQuite easy – take a dig at their manhood. Tell them they’re virgins and even if they are, they’ll vehemently deny it. Watching their face go from a normal beige to various shades of red, blue and orange is quite fun. Men are strange in this issue – I don’t know why but they always overplay their sexual exploits and this is the best way to piss a man off.

Of course, the only two other things that matter to a guy is either beer or sports. Ridicule his favorite beer and you might end up on the wrong end of a well-placed kick to the nuts. Ridicule the guy and call him a sissy for watching cricket or golf, and he’ll go stark raving mad.

I’ll let you in on a secret. If you know a guy who is straight and want to piss him off, accuse him of being gay. Oh, he’ll hate you for the rest of his life, and he’ll stay away from cosmetics and watch each of his words carefully whenever you’re around! 😀

PS: I don’t want to dig my own grave in this postscript by saying something about homosexual tendencies that I’ll regret, so I’ll just construct a totally useless sentence.

Pissing Women Off

woman_attackGiven that sex, booze and sports are the only three things that can effectively piss a man off, you’ll find it hard to piss a woman off with these three topics. Women are usually very secure about their sexuality/sex lives and taking a dig at their alcoholic tastes will be like throwing grains of sand at a hurtling train hoping to derail it. And women and sports, well, let me not be a spoilsport, but you know how it goes. (My mom thought F1 cars were battery controlled toys and unmanned!)

So, how do we piss women off? Easy – take a dig at her age. It always works, no exceptions. Tell her, “Oh, you look so much younger in your photographs!” and she’ll hate you with a vehemence second only to a supernova.

Horizontal attacks are also effective. “You seem to have gained some weight,” “Is that an extra-large top?” and “How many months due are you?” are the three most effective way to piss a woman off about her weight. Never fails.

But I am duty bound to warn you – Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. Be careful.

Go ahead! Piss someone off today! Live a little! 🙂

Images Courtesy: Arnoldspeaks.com and Randommovieclub.blogspot.com

Indian Conspiracy Theories

conspiracy-pics

Blog-hopping got me to Keboch’s absurdly hilarious post on Conspiracy Theories here. Which got me thinking. I live in a country rife with political chaos, and every turn gives me to newer and better ideas to ponder on. So, I thought a complete compilation of possible “would-be” and “could-be” scenarios was needed, something that isn’t even there on Wikipedia!

Here I go, building conspiracy theories:

  1. Indian car manufacturers did not include air-bags for so long because the steering wheel had cocaine in them.

  2. The Indian cricket team intentionally loses a match every now and then in order to avoid being struck by the “evil eye.” (In fact, superstition runs so deep in the Indian cricket team that the job application for becoming a national cricketer has a question, “Did a black cat cross in front of you while climbing the stairs of this office?”)

  3. The highly successful Bollywood song – Kabhi Kabhi Aditi – when played backwards, reveals the plans for a top-secret mission in which Indian troops are planning to invade Kenya.

  4. Happydent chewing gum was invented by ISRO, the Indian Space Research Organization –  as an alternative to electric lights on board Chandrayaan.

  5. Vaseline contains 90% alcohol.

  6. CNN IBN was sued by Ronald McDonald’s creator for calling him “The McDonald Duck,” but the lawsuit was never filed. It was settled out of court after Rajdeep Sardesai decided to write a whole blog post apologizing for the misnomer.

  7. Asprin, when it was first made available in India, was so named because of it’s powerful enema actions. The extra ‘s’ was dropped because it became apparent that people were using it from the wrong end.

  8. The Indian currency, especially the 500-rupee note, is made from super-strength alloyed cotton, which has surprising paper-like qualities.

  9. An Indian blogger named Nikhil, who blogs here, is an undercover agent for the Indian secret service. He is conspiring to ask a hot chick out on a date.

  10. Shah Rukh Khan is, in fact, an ugly woman.

There may be a lot of other such conspiracy theories going around. So, let me know if I’ve missed anything juicy. We live in a scary world, don’t we? 😀

What A Man Wants! :)

Be warned, this is an opinion poll! 😀

I was bored to death today, searching aimlessly for a new theme for the site, trying in vain to purchase the domain name and realizing that a debit card is not a credit card, yawning every three minutes, scratching my face and my head and my back loud enough to annoy others around me and, every now and then, texting song request to the radio station. There was absolutely nothing of importance to do at work today, and I felt like going back home to the warm comfort of my bed, the blue blanket, the soft pillows, the England-South Africa test match and a warm cup of tea. If wishes were horses, I’d have a stable by now.

One thing of interest that cropped up today was a very heated argument discussion debate about what sort of women do men prefer. Er.. Let me rephrase that. The discussion was about what sort of women men find attractive – tall or short. There were four players in this very animated discussion and I shall christen them Hot Chick, Stud 1, Stud 2 and Pimp Me. 😀

Hot Chick started the debate and said that the reason she was wearing 6-inch heels was that she wanted to look taller and that tall women exact a second look wherever they go. She explained about how tall women, irrespective of whether they were attractive or not, are always the focus of attention of men, while walking down the street, making a presentation, or just about anything. She threw a few famous personalities in the ring and argued how these tall women were winners in life, and claimed that all tall women are famous mostly because of their height and ignored all the other formulae for success. 😀

Stud 1 then stepped into the fray and argued against this, and claimed how he admired shorter women. He claimed that some of the most famous women in history were short and that the average height of an Indian woman is around 5’1″ to around 5’3″, and any woman taller than this exact a second look because of this deviation from the ‘norm’. 😀

Stud 2 just agreed with Stud 1.

All three of them looked at me and I voiced one of my favorite quotes of wisdom, “An opinion is like an asshole; everyone has one!” 😀

Lots of other people also joined in the debate and eventually, everyone was shouting his/her asshole opinion. Hot Chick decided to take this debate public and asked me to write a post on it and throw the debate open to the intellectually superior readers of MirrorCracked their views on the topic. In a nutshell, the question being discussed is this:

Are taller women more attractive than shorter women and do taller women succeed as eye candy mainly because of their height?

Don’t hold anything back, dear Reader. Whatever your opinion (er…) is, just say it! Let’s see where this goes. I am just a moderator, and I will take offense if anyone calls me a sexist. Call me any other name, I can live with it! 😀

Gully Cricket Season!

After recent events in the world of cricket, it’s that time of the year again, when Sundays are reserved for playing gully cricket! 😀

I have always been a cricketer, training under Brijesh Patel and Anil Kumble at the BPCA, starting at the tender age of 12. Now, it’s been almost three years since I held a bat in my hand and played the game, and yesterday, it was back to basics! In front of my house, there’s a good 20 yards of space to play cricket in, and when we were still young, innocent kids, the entire compound got together to play. I learnt how to play the game here, in front of my house, and yesterday, I walked down memory lane again.

I bought a tennis ball and dusted my old bat and coaxed my terrorist brother to abandon his studies and play with me. We started playing something called “short cricket” where the batsman can become out with a “pitch catch” and by hitting the ball out of the compound. We played for nearly three hours, with a cousin of ours, who stays close by also joining in. 😀

I had almost forgotten the quirky little things like calling out “Ball, please!” to passers by, whenever the ball went out of the gate and on to the main road; calling out “Fast Appeal!” whenever the ball missed my bat and hit the wicket; refusing to give up my wicket unless there was hard evidence that the ball hit the makeshift wicket; running behind the ball trying to prevent it from reaching the other end of the compound for a boundary; and all the other funny little things that kids do when they play cricket. 😀

We reminisced about the time when cricket in our compound was a major event – kids from all over the neighborhood would come to play here, we once had installed a 60-watt bulb through some very ingenious engineering and played through the night – our very own version of floodlight cricket! 😀

Oh, those were the days! We stopped playing when I hit the ball out of the gate and it landed inside a passing auto and the auto guy never realized it and drove away with the tennis ball inside! Bastard! 😀

Image Courtesy: The Hindu

Cover me up, Scotty!

OutlookIndia has always been a very conservatively-confused country. No, that didn’t sound right. Let me try that again. India has always been a country with conservatively-confused people in power. Yeah, that sounds about right. Don’t get me wrong – I’m a politically-neutral, wardrobe-indifferent, optically-challenged, mentally-blessed, verbally-strong guy – but some things that these politicians do just baffles me and makes me want to stand them in the middle of a crowd, strip them naked and laugh at them all day long, like Nelson in the Simpsons, “Haw! Haw!”

Every sport needs cheerleaders – not only to please the weary sportsmens’ eyes, but also to appease the gawkers and the single men (and certain women!) in the crowd. Indian politics is very insecure when it comes to scantily dressed cheerleaders waving away those frillies in the air and showing off their generously endowed ..er.. wardrobe! (Does that sound right!?)

They allow these lovely cheerleaders to flaunt themselves one day and the next, they are banned and are ordered to “Cover up or Pack up!” The next day, they’re back, doing what they do best! Isn’t this a bit insane? Sticking to a decision is the hardest thing any Indian politician can do, and especially when it comes to near-naked dancing beauties, I’m not surprised by the vacillation! 😀

After all, who wants to watch a game of football or cricket without the goddesses of ..er.. (F)rock dancing and cheering the home side on? No wonder they charge entertainment taxes on game tickets nowadays! 😀

I know a lot of people wouldn’t have an opinion on this issue, but I just had to get it out – can’t hold back political jokes anymore! We’ve crossed the line! 🙂

Haw! Haw!

One Tight Slap!

Indian cricket has always been colorful – the glam, the girls, the money, the fans, the poor performances and finally, the controversies. Cricket was known to be a gentleman’s game, and over the years, has become more a Man’s Game. The match-fixing controversies that plagued Indian cricket is still reverberating in the heads of all the die-hard followers of the game. Just when the dust seemed to have settled, the Einsteins at the Board of Control for Cricket in India (BCCI) agreed to the ridiculous Indian Premier League (IPL), and killed what was left of Indian Cricket’s hope.

All right, I know the saying: If you can’t beat them, join them! Fine, I agree, I live in a cricket crazy country and I’m somewhat of a die-hard fan myself. So, I went ahead and watched a few matches in the IPL. And when I was thinking that it probably is not a bad idea to have players from all over the world, mixing with each other, playing with each other, sharing their experience and thoughts and ideas, the idiot-child Harbhajan Singh throws every ounce of shame out the window and slaps Sreesanth in the middle of the ground!!

Correct me if I’m wrong, but aren’t players on the same team supposed to at least pretend to like each other? Say and do whatever you want to them in the dressing rooms, but not on the field, in the open, in the era of long tom cameras and satellites that can see every hair on your neck! I was shocked and disgusted by the incident! In a country like mine, where cricket is not just a sport but a religion, players acting in such an indignant manner is unacceptable. Suspending Harbhajan was perhaps the best thing to do.

He has always been an idiot-child, getting into unwanted troubles and being more verbal than sportive. I think its time the BCCI woke up to the ground realities happening around them and stop concentrating on those sexy cheerleaders – Indian Cricket is dying, and the players are getting more and more self-centered everyday. Idiot-child is barely 24 and already a millionaire thrice over, so what can we expect? Keep him in check or throw him out!

I want Indian Cricket to be revived! Enough glamor, enough showing off wealth. Let’s play some cricket, and for once, play it in the spirit of the game.