Return To The Bay Of Pigs!

A long, long time ago, I had written a piece on how men can be more successful in wooing women. I had come across a lot of men who had complained to me about the difficulties they were facing when trying to talk to a woman or flirt with a woman.

Recently, a close stranger read this post (titled ‘Bay Of Pigs’) and decided to write a rebuttal for each of the points, this time from a woman’s perspective. What started out as an experiment in killing time soon became an insightful glimpse into the mind of women, what they think of men and what they expect from a man when he tries to flirt.

You need to read the original post for this to make sense, because in the interest of time and keeping in mind my readers with attention deficit disorders, I’ve edited those parts of this article that belong to the original.

Bay Of Pigs: Redux

(Note: The text in italicized black is part of the original post, while the text in brown belongs to the stranger, the woman who wanted to argue. Any mistakes in spelling or grammar are entirely my own and not the fault of the guest author.)

men-are-pigs

Men are pigs.

They say that God created Man because he was bored and that He created Woman because he needed a challenge. Man is the blueprint while Woman is the masterpiece. […] Men can consider this post as an eye-opener and take stock of what qualities they lack, and women can consider this post as an easy read and be amazed at my insight into the female mind.

Men are pigs. Truer words were never spoken!

1. Sense of humor: Most women look for funny men. But be warned, being funny does not mean cracking inane jokes and making complete idiots of yourself. It’s the wit that counts and not your ability to remember jokes. […] Just make sure you’re laughing with them, and recognize when they’re laughing at you!

A good sense of humour does appear to be amongst the top 3 of “what women want”, and the author appears to have it figured out. I think this is what most women want. On the other hand, I wouldn’t want a man that can make me laugh as such, rather, I like it when a man can keep it simple. By this I mean, a light and easy-going conversation is favored. I am the kind of person that is rather shameless, and have no qualms about laughing at myself. Men seem to love making jokes at the expense of the ladies around them, and get terribly disappointed when it isn’t received well by their female counterpart. In that regard, I am a good subject of jokes, I would say, because I almost always laugh along.

2. Build: Women are very realistic unlike men, and they know that not all men can have a body as hot as Arnie and Stallone. […] We men need to be realistic, and not stupidly optimistic. All women are hot, no exceptions!

Let me make this clear – most women do not aspire to be at the arm of men like Arnie; Stallone maybe, but not because of his build! Men are the only ones that want Arnie bodies. I wouldn’t want a “flabby piece of shapeless dough” (I’m shallow that way) I would like a fit guy though. Let’s face it – they’re so much more fun to look at, and show off! We women tend to look awesome pretty much all of the time (unless we’re caught in midst of beauty treatments like face masks or oily hair) and men need to realise they should at least try to live up to the standard we set so early on. Digressing from build, allow me also to add that well-groomed (which means well dressed, clean and smelling good, just in case you’re clueless) is what we’re looking for. So if you’re going to show up in denims and a sweatshirt, make sure you look cute while you’re at it, would you?

3. Chivalry: The concept of chivalry, for most men, stops at holding the door open to women. Wake up, men! That’s not all what women look for in the chivalry department. […] It takes great skill and greater patience to hold your own and also defend her while arguing in a group.

Ah! This is the tricky one. You don’t want to be chivalrous to a point where we constantly feel like damsels with faint hearts,  but you don’t want to be so aloof that we feel like you don’t care. It has to be just the right amount. That’s all I will say here. Why should we make it easy for you all the way? 

4. Possessiveness: Women like men to be possessive about them. It makes them feel special and wanted. […] For more advice on this, mail me.

Do men actually enjoy being possessive? Oh yes, you have the whole Neanderthal way of expressing ownership. You might as well pee all over us to state we’re “yours”! I personally don’t like possessive men. If a guy were to “tell me at every opportunity that they’re….” yaaaaaaaawn.. Oh MY, I think I just dozed off there a second! No no noooo! I really don’t want to hear that, I’d probably end up punching you in the nose!

5. Music: Women hate tone-deaf men. Every woman has a particular taste in music and it may not always match with yours. […] Listen to her favorite tracks with her, and encourage her to play it again if she wants to. You can pull your hair out later, when you’re alone.

Looking at the next point I’d like to say, mood music is very important – make it sensuous, trust me, you’ll enjoy it too (if you can get past the fact that you’re getting it on!) I don’t know about most women’s taste in music, but I’m always open to listening to new genres of music. In fact, most of the music I listen to today was introduced to me by men. If you don’t listen to death metal and the screeching, banging sort, I’m good to go. Some women really seem to enjoy sappy music, and that’s where I think you men should just take a stance and say, “hell no!” (and knock some sense into your lady’s head, please!)

6. Sex: Do not, I repeat, do not push the woman for a physical relationship. Women are very, very careful in this matter and if you push the wrong buttons (no puns intended) you come across as a sexually-frustrated despo! Be careful!

You have to tread carefully in this department. Women may say they are alright with casual sex, and want no strings, etc. but trust me, they almost always hope that strings will develop, that they dazzle you with their sexual skills, and you’ll fall in love with them. Sometimes that does happen, but I’ve noticed that men are capable of knowing the difference and maintaining it, women are NOT. I would suggest, if you really like the girl, take it at an easy pace in this department, and things will fall into place nicely.

7. Family Values: Most women like men who have good family values. Respect her parents and her family and she will like you all the more. Never ever call her dad “Dude!” or “Old Man!” because that will being down your brownie points!

What gets to me the most about a lot of Indian men is that they’re “mumma’s boys” and they want their partners to be as domestically awesome as their mothers. It’s all very well that you love your folks, in fact, I endorse it, but come on – recognize! I don’t know about other women, but that’s a big turn off for me. On the other hand, I don’t expect that my partner will get along brilliantly with my folks. It’s almost a universal fact that there will be friction between them. That’s what keeps life interesting, eh?

(On an entirely unrelated note – what exactly are brownie points? Am I allowed to cash them in for an actual brownie or two?)

8. Perseverance: Women like to be pursued with vigor. They hate being ‘flung’ around, if you know what I mean. […] Trust me, it works!

This one’s true, makes us feel special and adds the whole romantic movie atmosphere to real life. Lots of fun! Keep it real, don’t be a big pile of mush, because that gets old real quick. We like to be shy and coy and play hard to get – it makes the whole deal feel that much more special. Indulge us, would you?

9. Fighting: Fights are inevitable in every relationship, and when there are situations where you know that the reason is trivial, just take the blame. […] You do not blame the woman!

Don’t be irrational, that’s all. We are always right, that’s true, but we would get suspicious if you always agree – we’re smart that way. And that would lead to a whole new set of fights! So pick your battles, men, put your ego aside, in fact, maybe its best if you forget you have one, while you’re with us! 

10. The Ex- factor: Do not, I repeat, do not maintain contacts with your ex- girlfriends while you’re pursuing a woman, or when you’re in another relationship. […]

Hmmm, this one is a bit tricky. If you’re staying in the same city as your ex, and have common friends, you are bound to run into her, right? What we want to see is that you’re over her, and there is no residual anything for her. You’re better off if you cut all contact, unless you want to see us turn into raging lunatics? Oh and by the way, we’re complete hypocrites about our own exes – we will want to remain “friends” with ours, and you’re not allowed to protest. So there.

Good luck. Live long and prosper. If you didn’t understand that, you’re no fun, and you’re not a geek, which is what women want! (Or do we?)

AUTHOR’S NOTE

It takes great literary skill and greater convincing skills to get a chance to write for, or be featured on MirrorCracked. To have successfully passed all the barriers and made it on to this forum, I would like to personally extend a warm greeting to the lovely stranger (who has expressed her wish to remain anonymous) for her time and effort in helping men pick up women.

One beer coming your way, ma’am.

We are open for comments, opinions and brickbats, which I will deftly deflect in the stranger’s direction.

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Bay of Pigs! :)

Men are pigs.

They say that God created Man because he was bored and that He created Woman because he needed a challenge. Come to think of it, this is rather true. Man is the blueprint while Woman is the masterpiece. There have been posts and books and speeches and movies about what a woman wants in a man, but none of them match up to the extensive research that I have done on the subject. There are a variety of different aspects to a man that a woman looks for, and not all of them are very obvious. Over the past 24 years of my life, I’ve come across different women with different tastes but there are a few that are common to every woman. Men can consider this post as an eye-opener and take stock of what qualities they lack, and women can consider this post as an easy read and be amazed at my insight into the female mind. 😀

1. Sense of humor: Most women look for funny men, and this is where I am serious competition to most of you guys out there! 😀 But be warned, being funny does not mean cracking inane jokes and making complete idiots of yourself. It’s the wit that counts and not your ability to remember jokes. Every situation can be turned around to your advantage while talking to women, and you need to make sure that you don’t overdo the funny-guy act. I’ve preached about this before, and I say it again – make sure you’re laughing with them, and recognize when they’re laughing at you! 😀

2. Build: Women are very realistic unlike men, and they know that not all men can have a body as hot as Arnie and Stallone. Women do not always look for a well-built, muscular body in a man. You may be a flabby piece of shapeless dough or you could be a thin stick, it doesn’t matter to most women as long as you can live up to the other requirements. Of course, having a sexy body comes as an added advantage. 😀 This is where we men need to learn, and stop looking for Katrina Kaifs and Jenna Jamesons in every woman we meet. We need to be realistic, and not stupidly optimistic. All women are hot, no exceptions! 😀

3. Chivalry: The concept of chivalry, for most men, stops at holding the door open to women. Wake up, men! That’s not all what women look for in the chivalry department. While walking with a woman on the road, you need to let her walk on the safer side, thus ensuring that you protect her from the splash of water when a vehicle zooms by and also to ensure that you protect her from the occasional hit-and-run, by taking the hit yourself. 😀 Chivalry also can be very subtly displayed by defending her arguments, even if you don’t believe in them, while in a group. this doesn’t mean that you become a sneaky yes-man to the woman. It takes great skill and greater patience to hold your own and also defend her while arguing in a group. Women like that in a man, someone who can argue with confidence and the moment you start backing her arguments, you become her ally. 😀

4. Possessiveness: Women like men to be possessive about them. It makes them feel special and wanted. Don’t overdo this, because then you would look like a psycho stalker! 😀 Tell her at every opportunity that you’re there for her and that you’d go out of your way to help her out and make her feel that you’re an irreplaceable part of her daily routine. Again, it takes great skill to achieve this, and for more advice on this, mail me. 😀

5. Music: Women hate tone-deaf men. Every woman has a particular taste in music and it may not always match with yours. Don’t rubbish her taste in music, instead, tell her that your taste in music is childish and that you were just about to change your music tastes to match hers. Listen to her favorite tracks with her, and encourage her to play it again if she wants to. You can pull your hair out later, when you’re alone. 😀

6. Sex: Do not, I repeat, do not push the woman for a physical relationship. Women are very, very careful in this matter and if you push the wrong buttons (no puns intended) you come across as a sexually-frustrated despo! Be careful! 😀

7. Family Values: Most women like men who have good family values. Respect her parents and her family and she will like you all the more. Never ever call her dad “Dude!” or “Old Man!” because that will being down your brownie points! 😀

8. Perseverance: Women like to be pursued with vigor. They hate being ‘flung’ around, if you know what I mean. Send her cute messages every day and tell her how much you like her every chance you get. There’s a thin line between being authentic and sounding desperate, and this is where you need to tread carefully. The longer the pursuit, the better your chances of winning her heart over, because you show her how much you like her and how much of an optimist you are and how much you believe in her. Trust me, it works! 😀

9. Fighting: Fights are inevitable in every relationship, and when there are situations where you know that the reason is trivial, just take the blame. Just tell her you’re sorry and that you won’t do such a stupid thing again. No matter how big the issue, the fault always like with the man. Ingrain this in your mind, because the moment you blame the woman for the fight and the moment you lose your temper a bit, that’s the end of the relationship. Remember, you’re the loving, caring, chivalrous knight in shining armor. You do not blame the woman! 😀

10. The Ex- factor: Do not, I repeat, do not maintain contacts with your ex- girlfriends while you’re pursuing a woman, or when you’re in another relationship. Take my advice on this, the reason she’s your ex- is because either one of you did not deserve the other. Women are kind of finicky in this matter, and they take umbrage when you talk to your ex- or even run into your ex- by mistake. In the words of a friend, my ex- was apparently a “dumb fuck” who did not deserve me. I tend to agree! 😀

Believe me, what matters most is that you should be authentic in your emotions while dealing with women. A woman is a very very clever creature, and there’s no such thing as a “dumb” woman. There’re only dumb men! They can spot your fake smile and ulterior motives mile away. I am a very strong proponent of long-term, fruitful relationships and flings are bad for health. So, remember my dear pigs men, women want authenticity.

Go ahead. May the force be with you! 😀

Image Courtesy: Unitynow.com