Why I Deserve The Nobel Prize

With a little less than three hours to go for the Nobel Prize 2010 Announcement Ceremony in Sweden, I have decided to enter the race in all the available categories. This post is meant to be read by the arbiters of the Swedish Royal Academy and I do hope that they don’t make the mistake of overlooking me and my remarkable achievements in this regard. I deserve the Nobel Prize for the following compelling reasons. I am an honest man and none of what I write below is falsified.

Nobel Prize in Physics:

I was the first man in the world to explore the physical properties and inconsistencies of photographic film, paving the way for stronger and more secure forms of image storage. This happened when I was ten years old and I took a brick and promptly broke open a 32-exposure Kodak film, the one that rolls into itself. You know what I’m talking about. I took the spoils over to the National Security Agency in the US of A and explained why they needed to invent digital cameras. They took my advice and the history (future?) of photography changed forever. I hereby nominate myself for the 2010 Nobel Prize in Physics for the discovery, invention and exploitation of digital cameras.

Nobel Prize in Medicine:

I was the first, and perhaps the only man in history to record a ten-second footage of what happens to the facial muscles when excessively stimulated by rock music. The video is available here. This discovery paved the way for the recent improvements in plastic surgery and permanent disfigurement clauses in the constitutions of the almost every country in the world. The very fact that you can walk up to a plastic surgeon and tell him/her that you want to look as handsome and stimulated as I do is a testament to my great discovery. I hereby nominate myself for the 2010 Nobel Prize in Medicine for great advances in plastic surgery.

Nobel Prize in Chemistry:

I was the first man in the world to ascertain the true nature of the drug whose comemrcial name is Aspirin. Acetly Salycylic Acid (ASA), as it’s chemically known, was a CIA invention aimed at monitoring the world’s population. Each and every molecule of ASA contains roughly 13 carbon atoms. What the CIA did was replace one of these Carbon atoms with a molecular camera. Anyone who swallowed a pill of Aspirin literally swallowed a tiny camera and gave the CIA complete access to their body’s interior. I discovered this great conspiracy when I accidentally hacked into the CIA’s database when I was five years old by solving a puzzle in a kids’ magazine. (This true life story of mine was then adapted into a movie called Mercury Rising and I made a lot of money out of it.) I brought the whole ASA conspiracy to the attention of the Interpol and they decided to stop the manufacture of Aspirin completely, thus safegaurding the privacy of the world’s population. I hereby, humbly, nominate myself for the 2010 Nobel Prize in Chemistry for revolutionizing the pharmaceutical industry with my own non-traditional ‘drug discovery’.

Nobel Prize in Literature:

MirrorCracked. I won’t say any more. I’m sure you agree.

Nobel Peace Prize:

Well, though I don’t exactly qualify for this award, I would like to bring to the attention of the Royal Swedish Academy that if I’m not given this year’s Nobel Peace Prize, I will sell the other four Nobel Prizes and buy cigarettes and distribute it to freshly-graduated smokers. Read as: 18 year olds. In order to avoid this, I think you should just call it a clean sweep and give me this prize anyway.

I will be available for comments and interviews.

Update: October 8, 2010, 00:01 AM: This article made the wordpress homepage.

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How To Kill Your Landlord

After having a major fight with my conscience last night about whether to move out of the zoo I’m living in, I slept fitfully, trying out different options to hunt down and kill the rats that were wreaking havoc in the house. It’s not healthy in the first place. So, my instinct is to get the hell out. But slowly, the realization dawned on me that these rats were super-advanced than their dumb cousins in Bangalore.

They had evolved from being scavengers to being fine-diners; they hardly touched any of the rat poison pellets I’d left for them around the house. That’s when I made the decision to leave them be and focus instead on hunting down and killing my landlord.

My landlord is a stupid ninety-year-old fucker, who thinks he’s still young enough to drive a car by himself and lift a huge slab of granite all by himself. In hindsight, I think I should’ve let him do those things and let nature take its own course. But waiting for the elusive heart-attack takes a lot of patience, more than what I have.

So, I decided to take down two birds pests with one stone and came up with a brilliant scheme, worthy of a jail sentence just for the thought. Here’s how the four-step scheme works:

  1. Buy a rabid dog.
  2. Get the rabid dog to bite the old fucker.
  3. Get the rat to bite the rabid old fucker.
  4. Attend two funerals.

I was so pleased with myself that I went in search of a rabid dog this morning. The hunt is still on. I wonder why I keep having flashes of Hannibal in my head.

So, as you can see, I’ve been busy with matters of life and death, which is why I’ve been so inactive online. I hate myself for not having the time to respond to the comments and not having time to read any other blogs.

And I also realized that this is a great money-making scheme. If any of you want to kill your landlord, then get in touch with me. I charge by the hour.

PS: I’m not a professional killer-for-hire. I only kill landlords who are stupid fuckers. If you want me to kill anyone else, then I’m not interested.

PPS: If any law enforcement personnel are reading this post and raising their eyebrows and planning to come and arrest me, then I have two words for you fuckers – “Eat Doh-nuts!”

Return Of The Yo-Yo: The Yellow School Bus :)

Three interesting things happened yesterday, which forced me to come out of my forced hibernation and write a post, in order to enlighten the world about the interesting things that happened yesterday. By the way, I’ve been experimenting with redundancy in my sentences, and I think it’s working quite well.

1. The Yellow School Bus:

school-bus1:30 in the afternoon, melting under the unusually hot sun in the middle of Bangalore, sitting hunched up in a tiny auto with two other people, afraid to move for fear of falling out of the ridiculous excuse for a motor vehicle, and wondering when the horror would end. We were on our way to a meeting and the ride would normally take 40 minutes. But yesterday, we stuck behind a yellow school bus for most of the journey, and took us close to 90 minutes to reach. Once we reached, we had to resort to acrobatic stunts (that would’ve made the Russian gymnastic team from the last Olympics Games proud) to get out.

I didn’t give it much thought at that time, mainly because I was too busy setting my spine in order, but then, as the day wore on, I realized it was something ominous.

2. The Yellow School Bus:

school-bus5:15 in the evening, stuffed into a small white cab, driving back to office after the tremendously long and boring meeting, and wondering when the horror would end. The ride back to office usually takes just 30 minutes because of the general lack of traffic in that direction. But yesterday, we were stuck behind a yellow school bus for most of the way, and it took us more than an hour to get back.

I was beginning to think something was up. I glanced up at the sky and heard the faint hint of laughter fading away. Was the yo-yo trend coming back? I shuddered and ran into the safety of my cubicle.

3. The Yellow School Bus:

school-bus9:30 in the night, loud music blaring through my ear plugs, I was riding my rickety bike back home. the roads were surprisingly devoid of traffic last night and I was beginning to think that I’d make it back home well before the usual one-and-a-half hours it takes me. But then, I got stuck behind three yellow school buses that were rolling gently in the middle of the narrow road, leaving me with no chance to overtake them. I didn’t bother honking. I resigned to my fate and thankfully for the heavy music, I did not hear the cacophonous laughter up above.

Open Question: Am I ‘down-to-earth’ if I give up my suit and tie for tattered jeans and T-shirts and fly to the next town in a helicopter?

Resolutions And Wishlists :)

There were quite some sights to behold last night:

1. Mom, who prides on being a teetotaler and frowns when I even think of alcohol,  nursing a mug of chilled beer and ‘Cheers’ing everyone in the room!

2. The great-grandmom of the family dancing to Elvis Presley’s “A Little Less Conversation”!

3. Uncles and aunties enacting skits and acting like kids!

4. Overflowing beer!

5. Four people trying to force open the cork of a wine bottle, without a cork-opener, and managing to  break the cork into tiny pieces that fell into the wine!

6. Turning around in circles with a confused look because I was drunk and I couldn’t find the bottle of scotch!

7. Calling up friends and singing Nickelback songs while standing in the middle of the road!

8. Scrambling for money to fulfill the last-minute orders for booze in the packed wine store!

… and other memorable sweet nothings marked the end of 2008 and brought in the new year with much anticipated revelry, fireworks and a collected sigh of relief. It was something that everyone needed, I guess – a break. It was a fantastic start to the new year when I closed my eyes at 2 in the morning, drunk, expecting a major hangover and with a contented sigh on my lips.

)
Resolutions, Wishlists, Hopes And Fears 🙂

Once upon a time (2 days ago) Apar had asked me for my resolutions and I had deftly deferred (adamantly refused) the issue until the year actually begins. Now that it has, I can avoid it no more. Through my hungover haze, I thought about it and realized that there are quite a few things that I’d want to do this year – resolutions and wishes – and I made a rudimentary list. I began prioritizing them all, and here’s the final result:

    • I want to smile more this year, irrespective of the situation. I want to be able to convince myself that punching myself in the face while asleep is not worth losing a smile.
    • I want to make sure that I think seriously about making a resolution to consider the possibility of a faint chance of quitting smoking.
    • I want to get the two books in the pipeline out this year, come what may.
    • I wish this year has some surprises in store for me, because all 2008 had to offer was one heartbreak after another.
    • In the same vein, I hope to find true love, clichéd as it may sound. I’m tired of one-off dates and two-week affairs and one-month ‘girlfriends’. Sigh!
    • I want to go to France.
    • I want to succeed in organizing an All India Bloggers’ Meet in Gokarna this year – it started out as a South India Bloggers’ Meet, but I decided that Gokarna is too beautiful a place to make anyone jealous!
    • I want to feel like God – I want to buy an Avenger!
    • I wish I can convince myself to start working out again – running for 40 minutes a day isn’t enough. I want to pump iron again!
    • I wish I could sleep for 16 hours a day and laze around in bed for the other 8.
    • I’m going to booze more often and get drunk less often.
    • I wish I could wish for more wishes.
    • I wish I could make others feel better.
    • I wish people can live in peace without having to kill for it.
    • I wish I could make at least one person happy per day.
    • I wish I can grow a year old and look back at myself with pride for having accomplished at least one of the above.

Have a great year everyone! It’s been one hell of a journey, isn’t it? 😀

The Love Guru, Part Deux: Club Singles! :)

Club Singles!
Club Singles!

Single people are single for a reason. They are either hideously ugly, dangerously misinformed about human anatomy or just plain unlucky, among other weirder reasons. For people who’re currently single, which includes me, ironically, I’ve decided to roll out a brand new strategy for attracting members of the opposite sex. Obviously, my advice in The Love Guru hasn’t worked if you’re still single.

I was having this very enlightening conversation with Aravind last night, when we realized that being single isn’t all that bad. By being single:

  • We save a lot of money
  • We save a lot of time
  • We save a lot of energy
  • We can ogle at cute/handsome creatures of the opposite sex without that pang of guilt
  • We don’t need to be near our cell phones all the time
  • We don’t need to worry about getting drunk and puking
  • We don’t have any tensions at all, while doing anything!

Looks like an excellent strategy, doesn’t it? Actually, it is! So good is the strategy that The Love Guru actually recommends it for people. Seriously, be single and you’ll live longer. Your gray hair will take a longer time to make their appearance, and you’ll be broke two weeks after you receive your paycheck, instead of one week, if you were seeing/dating/committed to someone. Makes sense, right? 😀

So, mark this day, people. November 11, 2008 – the day on which The Love Guru officially declares that being single is the ‘in’ thing, no puns intended.

Club Singles is available on Orkut for now. The Facebook counterpart will be up and running soon. So, if you’re not single, then read The Dummy’s Guide To Breaking Up, ditch them, become single and join Club Singles!

PS: Free beer and peanuts for the first 30 people who sign up! 😀

Cheers!

Image Courtesy: Cartoonstock.com

Hairy Potter And The Barber Of Andaman

Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction and all names, incidents or places are fictitious. Any resemblance to any persons or characters living, dead or fictional is purely coincidental and no harm is intended to anyone through this story.

The story so far: Hairy Potter, who’s blessed with amazing bladder control, finds an Over Ambitious Gall Stone (O.A. Gall) in his kidney, which escapes its confines and runs away to see the world. Hairy is depressed over this fact and with the absolute indifference shown by the police in this regard, and gets drunk. He urinates for the first time in 4 weeks, and by mistake, stumbles upon the Chamber Of Cigarettes in the ladies’ toilet. He smokes one of the cigarettes in the Chamber, and this does not go undetected by the elusive and villainous fart cloud – Wall de Fart.

Wall de Fart wants revenge on Hairy Potter for encroaching on his hidden Chamber. He also wants O.A Gall killed, for some strange reason, as yet undisclosed. He discovers that O.A Gall is in Sydney, and is keeping the Gall Stone under close surveillance.

Why is the Chamber Of Cigarettes so important to Wall de Fart?

Who is Wall de Fart?

Why is he so interested in Hairy and his Gall Stone?

Why is Wall de Fart a cloud of fart?

Read on to find out…

Hairy Meets His God-Farter
Hairy Meets His God-Farter

The reporter was a piece of shit. Literally.

He wrote for a newspaper called The Daily Fart, which had a readership of more than a million. So, he had some credibility. He sat in the dingy room, regretting his decision to come. He looked at the strange creature in front of him and felt the fear in his veins. He never should have come to this interview.

“You never should’ve come here,” said Wall de Fart, staring intently at the reporter. “Why do you want to know my story so badly?”

“Well,” said the piece of shit reporter. “You’ve always been something of a mystery to all the readers of The Daily Fart. I want to show them the man behind the cloud of fart. Is it true that your name has a literal connotation to it?”

Wall de Fart thought for a while before replying. “Your sources are good, I give you that. Ssso, let’s talk about my background,” he hissed. The reporter shivered.

“A long time ago, I was attacked by the greatest fart cloud ever known to Man. The force was so great that I was hurled against a wall nearby and lost my physical body. Some strange phenomenon occurred and I acquired the cloud of fart as my body, and in the process, the greatest fart cloud died. I am proud of it. I became Wall de Fart.”

“Hmmm… Right,” said the reporter, trying not to sound insolent. “And the prophecy…?”

“Ah, the prophecy,” said Wall de Fart. “There’s a prophecy that predicts that I’ll be killed by an abnormal phenomenon. Most of the abnormal phenomena in the world have already been ‘taken care’ of, if you know what I mean!” he said and laughed out loudly. “Now, only one such abnormality remains, but not for long. No one can defeat the greatest fart cloud of all time! Hissss!”

The reporter shook in his chair with fright. “And wh-what is this abnormality?”

Wall de Fart just smiled at him.

*

O.A. Gall finished his drink and looked around the empty bar. He was tired of Sydney. He wanted to go somewhere he could let loose and feel the adrenaline. He made up his mind. The next day, he boarded a flight to the Andaman Islands to go scuba diving. He did not notice the small cloud of fart hiding near the passport counters, as he passed it. The small cloud of fart made a single phone call and left the airport.

*

The Barber of Andaman was the greatest assassin known to the world. Er, I mean unknown, but known to the right people, and feared by the rest of the ignorant world. He was silent, swift and rarely made mistakes. He also charged 30% more than the other assassins, and never advertised in the Yellow Pages. He was a brute of a man, over 7 feet tall, and strong as an ox. There was nothing he feared in the world. Yet, as he flipped his phone shut, he was pale and shivering.

*

Meanwhile, Hairy Potter decided to visit his God-Farter and ask him for advice. He felt really depressed, and the alcohol hadn’t helped at all. He bought a ticket to his God-Farter’s country and left the next day. Two seats behind him on the plane, sat another small fart cloud, watching Hairy and studying his every move. It flipped open a phone, sent a brief text message and switched off the phone, removed the SIM card, broke it in two and disposed of the phone.

*

O.A. Gall donned the wet suit, adjusted his breathing apparatus and plunged from the boat into the brilliant blue sea. As the first waves his him, he knew it had been the right decision to go scuba diving. He felt a surreal calm sweep over him, and he felt weightless as he began to sink beneath the surface. He breathed the compressed air deeply and saw the amazing spread of marine life beneath him, and smiled for the first time since he had escaped from Hairy’s kidney.

Unknown to O.A. Gall, the Barber had him in his sight. He adjusted the high-powered rifle and squinted through the lens, and found the tiny mass of The Over Ambitious Gall Stone floating just beneath the smooth surface of the ocean. He gripped the barrel lightly, breathed deeply and put a finger to the trigger, and was about to squeeze the trigger, when someone screamed behind him. He jerked up in surprise but it was too late – the bullet whizzed from the gun, silently because of the silencer, and dropped harmlessly in the water.

The Barber was burning with rage when he turned around, but the anger disappeared when he saw who had screamed.

“Hi God-Farter!” screamed Hairy and ran up to the Barber and threw his hairy body around him. “Oh, I missed you!”

The Barber forced the tears from his eyes. “I missed you too, Hairy! How’ve you been?”

“I’ve been all right. I just needed someone to talk to,” said Hairy as he released his God-Farter.

“Hairy, I believe we both are in very grave danger right now,” said the Barber solemnly. “I just failed in my first assignment, and the man who gave me the assignment is not going to angry. No one fails Wall de Fart…”

Hairy opened his eyes in surprise and shock and felt the fear flood his body like darkness at dusk. He watched as the giant Barber fell to his knees and cried…

*

The stray bullet from the Barber’s gun lodged itself in the ocean bed with sufficient force to stir up a few artifacts. Among the debris that had been disturbed, was an ancient coin with strange inscriptions on it.

Fear!
Fear!

O.A. Gall saw something floating up towards him from the depths, and saw the glint of sunlight on the object. He dived down and clutched the coin in his tiny hands and surfaced. Once on the boat again, he looked carefully at the coin. It had a strange cloud inscribed on it, with the words, “Ne pas péter de couchage sur le dragon” inscribed around it. His French was sufficiently advanced to realize that this translated into, “Do not fart on the sleeping dragon.”

For the first time in his life, O.A. Gall was afraid…

[to be continued…]

Extreme Quirkyness. Period.

My sweet Machi asked me to reveal a few quirky facts about me. Isn’t this like asking a lion if it can roar, or asking a yo-yo if it can oscillate, or asking an idiot if he’s not an idiot, or any other blatantly obvious things that people do. But, since I like my Machi a whole lot, I will reveal six of my quirkiest characteristics/experiences for the whole world to read and get enlightened. Take a deep breath, relax your mind and close the browser window if you have a weak heart.

Else, proceed.

  1. Last night, I dreamt that I had created this absolutely brilliant online banking software that people can access through their wordpress accounts. The software was so brilliant that people could log in and make secure phone calls to any number through the interface! There were three passwords and it even worked as an ATM, apparently. I distinctly remember sliding money into my CPU as a deposit. 😀

  2. I wasn’t kidding in the comment section in my last post. A dog talked to me. It wagged it’s tail and said, “Blog this! Woof!” I knew I was totally and irreversibly mad.

  3. I realized my zipper was undone today in a meeting with a client. I excused myself and walked into the restroom and zipped it up. When I came out, the client asked me, “What’d you do inside? I didn’t hear you flush?”

  4. My bike hadn’t been washed in two years and today, I asked someone to wash it. I paid him 60 bucks to do so. An hour after the wash, it rained heavily.

  5. I bought a new helmet a week back and it looked so sexy! Everything about the helmet was perfect – the color, the padding, the smell, the visor, everything. Until a truck drove over a puddle of muddy water and splashed me and my new helmet. That was fun.

  6. The best for the last – yesterday, I realized I wasn’t single anymore. It isn’t quirky, I know, but I just felt like sharing it. She’s going to read this for sure, so I’ll just say this, “I love you!!” [Yeah, it’s fun to see The Love Guru blushing, isn’t it? That’s why I’m not posting any photos!]

There it is – my list of quirks. This is much more fun if it weren’t a tag. So, the tag is killed here. 😀