If I Were A Video Game…

  1. I’d be called “Yo-yo: God Strikes Back!”

  2. The first release of the game would have included villains like The Malevolent Nightmare from the Isolated Earth” and “Kitten-Obliterating Ravager of Yuckiness.”

  3. I’d be constantly on God Mode.

  4. Cheat codes would include, “Call Her Tomorrow”, “Don’t take her phone calls”, “Ditch every third girl”, “Men are pigs”, “Beer breakfast”, “Weed cake”, “Nirvana”, “Forgive and Regret” and most importantly, “Fuckhead.”

  5. Playstation 3 would feature a multi-player version of me, where one of the players has to be a woman and has to be cute, compulsorily. (Players will have to undergo a genetic test before playing.)

  6. MirrorCracked would feature a complete ‘walkthro’ of the game, to allow followers of the game to literally, walk in my shoes.

  7. The X-box 360 version will have horny sexy cheerleaders popping up every three minutes and doing what they do best.

  8. I would overtake Counter Strike as the most popular game on the planet, and due to the sex and violence involved, China would ban the game.

  9. Hollywood would make a movie based on the game, featuring Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson and Angelina ‘The Dumb’ Jolie.

  10. I wouldn’t be blogging, since I’d be a frikkin video game.

Enough nonsense. Time to get back to my personalized version of Road Rash, where I’m the only guy on a bike chasing lungi-clad Indian politicians (Level 1) and horny sexy scantily-clad cheerleaders (Level 2).

Letter To An Asshole

Dear Asshole,

It’s been nice knowing you for so long. Really, when you stumbled upon my blog a month ago, I never realized we would be forging such a strong bond of indifference. With all that’s been happening in my life right now – work tensions, women, money issues, women, health issues, women, etc – I really think that I can do without your incessant stupidity.

You remind me of an ancient monkey-like creature that has been dead for a million years; it died because it mistook professional courtesy for unconditional love. Of course, since I haven’t even met you, I don’t know whether you actually look like the stupid monkey-like creature, but I’d put my money on it.

You are sexually insecure and your parents hate you. You were a mistake to begin with. You were the result of one night’s heavy drinking nine months before you were born. Your parents are ashamed of you, aren’t they? That’s why they named you like that. You are ashamed of your lineage, and you can’t do anything about it, except roam around the blogosphere harassing people when you could do something useful like kill yourself.

All said and done, my dear dear Asshole, I still like you. I like you a lot, because the world needs people like you. Where else will the scientific community get human specimens for experimental trials? Where else will car manufacturers get dummies for their crash tests? The world would have a boring place without you, my friend.

My dear Asshole, I salute you with a lot of feeling, but I am sorry that you can’t see which finger I’m holding up. Go rot in hell.

Sincerely,
God’s Yo-Yo

Disclaimer: Asshole is real. He is an Asshole. He is an ancient monkey-like creature. Maybe someday, when he kills himself, I’ll throw a grand party where I’ll reveal his name, Till then, let’s play the guessing game. ๐Ÿ˜€

Checkmate!

The white Queen stood facing the black Bishop. They were three squares away, in front of each other, in a single file. The Queen was tempted to kill the Bishop, but realized that there are other forces acting. The black Queen and the black King were very near, one square apart, on either side of the black Bishop, providing excellent protection and at the same time, harboring a threat to the white Queen. The white Queen was of a pure heart, unlike the three enemies facing her – they were dark and sadistic. She knew that if she doesn’t think rationally at this juncture, she would be killed.

She called out to her White Knight – her trustworthy adviser, her secret love, her Man among men – and asked him to help her. Ever the gentleman and always ready to lay down and die for his lovely Queen, the white Knight rode forward and in one brilliant move, stood in front of his Queen, defending her, and called out, “Check!” to the black King.

The black King was taken by surprise and the black Queen could not believe her eyes. Where had the white Knight come from? Her respect for the Knight grew, but was overtaken by her hatred and anger. She had to protect her dark King at any cost, and in her anger, she misjudged the existing threat to herself. She asked the dark King to move back a square, and as he did, she realized her folly. In an instant, the white Knight was on to her; drawing his sword, he plunged it deep into her black heart. She let out a horrifying scream as she lay dead on the battlefield. Her last words were, “White Knight, I salute you.”

Turning to his lady love, the white Knight bowed. The white Queen had tears in her eyes. “You risked your life to save mine,” she said.

“That, my lady, is my destiny,” said the white Knight.

The white Knight now stood right next to the black Bishop, who was quivering in his boots and had wet his pants just looking at the white Knight standing next to him in all his glory. The black King knew that his hours were numbered. He looked back into his camp and saw that his trustworthy assassin – the black Knight – was still available. He called out to him, “Save your King, O blackest of black Knights!”

Heeding to his King’s call, the black Knight leapt into action, and in one spring, he landed next to his King and threatened the white Queen. The Queen looked helplessly at her white Knight. He just smiled at her and said, “The dark ones are going to lose, my Queen. We shall triumph.”

He leapt high in the air and landed in front of his Queen and called out, “Check!” to the black King again. The King could not believe it. He had overlooked such a simple maneuver. “Shit!” he cried, and moved to a square to his right.

The white Knight then looked at his Queen, at her lovely face, at her beautiful eyes and extended his hand. “Do you trust me, my Queen?” he asked.

“Of course, I do!” said the Queen. “Why?”

“Then take my hand and come to me. Move a step towards me, my Queen. Trust me.”

She took his hand. She loved him more than anything else in the world and so far, he had saved her life thrice in three moves. She took a step forward and came to him.

The white Knight looked at the black King and said, “Checkmate, asshole!”

100.00

This is the 100th post on MirrorCracked!

Perfect timing, because Vishesh just awarded me a couple of amazing awards! I am apparently a Certified Honest Blogger, and he has extended his hands in being Blogging Friends Forever! I humbly accept the award, my dear fellow, and we shall remain Blogging Friends Forever! I am honored! ๐Ÿ˜€

It’s my duty to pass these awards on to a few deserving bloggers, and I think this time, I shall be very selective in whom I award this to.

Scorpria, for being Scorpria; Aparna, for being my conscience; Shivya, for being elusive; and finally, Raji, for being rude. ๐Ÿ˜€

======================================================

Now, let’s play a game, shall we? I was planning something interesting for the 100th post, and last night, I came up with an idea which involves everyone. I am going to spoof the Snow White fairy tale, and you’re going to help me do it. I will begin the tale and everyone who reads this, has to contribute in completing the story.

No word limits, no limits to the number of comments, no bar on language and most importantly, the story has to be funny. No serious shit. So, here goes:

nce upon a time, there lived a queen who wanted a daughter with skin as white as snow, lips as red as blood and hair as black as ebony. She prayed day and night for such a daughter and one fine day, nine months after a particularly raunchy night with the gardener, she gave birth to a beautiful daughter.

She had blood-red lips but the other two attributes were interchanged. Her skin was as black as ebony and her hair was as white as snow. The King and the Queen had decided to name her Snow White, but now,the name seemed ridiculous. So, they decided to call her Greyhound.

Grief-stricken, the Queen consumed poison and died on the occasion of Greyhound’s first birthday, and the next day, the King put up an ad in the Lonely Hearts columns, asking for an evil stepmother for his beautifully hideous daughter…

Now, continue the story while I enjoy the comforts of cloud Number Nine. !00 posts! Wow! Never thought I’d last this long! ๐Ÿ˜€

Thanks everyone!

Mind If I ‘Tag’ Along? :)

I know, I know… It’s about bloody time, right? ๐Ÿ˜€

Here are the three tags that have been sitting in my drafts for a long long time, and I finally get the time to post it! I hope I don’t humiliate myself. Here goes:

Deeps tagged me for this one, and its probably the cutest tag ever! ๐Ÿ˜€

Six simple words that seems connected and somehow describe you.

Classic Case Of Multiple Personality Disorder! ๐Ÿ˜€

Arvind and Vishesh tagged me for this very interesting one.

The 5 cadres of people whom i love to hate.

1. The Crocodiles – who cry for no apparent reason to get their job done, and more often than not, it’s fake tears.

2. The Wolfs – who seem to take a sadistic pleasure in spreading rumors and make others’ lives miserable.

3. The Pity Sponges – who just can’t seem to get over the fact that they are the biggest mistake that even happened, and need constant attention, saying, “Look at me, pity me, I’m so miserable!”

4. The Politicians – not the ones who are actually in the profession (well, some of them, yes) but I mean the people who are career people, working normal 9-5 jobs and think that they work in a bloody government office and feel the need to mix business and pleasure politics.

5. The Losers – who think that they are no-good and that suicide is the best thing that can happen to them. For them, I have a glorious piece of advice that a very dear friend once told me: “Each one of us is like a cigarette lighter – we all strike constantly against the rock of Life, we all have a Spark, but only when there’s Spirit within, do we ignite and Light the way for other!”

Poonam tagged me for the Expansionist Meme! Here goes:

One religious work from a non-familiar tradition youโ€™ll read:
I would have to say The Bible.

One music video that you like from your โ€œleast likely to listen toโ€™ genre:
I don’t normally listen to gip-hop, but this one new song by David Jordan called Sun Goes Down, i just simply awesome!

A book from a genre you almost never read, that you have read, or you will read (promise!):
I rarely read poetry collections, but recently I bought a collection of William Blake’s poems, and he is just too good!

Somewhere youโ€™d never thought to go on holiday/vacation, and why it might be fun to go there?
Bhilai, for specific reasons! ๐Ÿ˜‰

A specific food youโ€™ve never tried, but will because of this meme, honest!:
Idiyappam! Time I got the spelling and pronunciation right! ๐Ÿ˜€

A sport or game you really hate, or havenโ€™t tried yet, but are willing to give one more go:
I would say Hockey!

A style of dance you probably wonโ€™t try (we wonโ€™t make you promise on this one):
Phew! Square dancing!

A career job you donโ€™t feel youโ€™re suited for, and why:
I am not suited for career jobs! ๐Ÿ˜€

An item thatโ€™s โ€œthinking out of the box” for this meme that hadnโ€™t been included:
I would have to say meeting the kind of people whom you would normally would ignore! ๐Ÿ˜€

That’ll be a task!

Itโ€™s thereโ€™s one thing in life you wanted to do, and will do because of this meme, what will it be?
Go to a specific table on MG Road’s Barista, order a cappuccino and rethink where my life is headed! ๐Ÿ™‚

Tagged!!

I’ve been tagged by Bina! Here goes: (gulp)

Last movie seen in a theatre:
National Treasure Book of Secrets, Stamford, Massachusetts. The movie sucked big time. More than my money, I wish I could have my time back!! ๐Ÿ˜€

What book are you reading?
For the tenth time, The Bourne Supremacy!! ๐Ÿ˜€

Favourite board game:
Chess!!! Anytime, Anywhere… Ten bucks says I can beat you blindfolded! ๐Ÿ˜€

Favorite magazine:
Cosmopo… oops, I mean, PC World! ๐Ÿ™‚

Favorite smells:
Freshly-brewed coffee and the rain-soaked ground… ๐Ÿ™‚

Favorite sound:
Shru’s sweet sweet voice… Nothing comes close to it! ๐Ÿ™‚

Worst feeling in the world:
Waking up at 6 am on Monday morning! ๐Ÿ˜ฆ

What is the first thing you think of when you wake up?
Yippee…!! It’s going to be a lovely day! (Except Monday mornings, when I’m homicidal!! Lol… )

Favorite fast food place:
Road-side gobi noodles guy!! ๐Ÿ˜€

Future childโ€™s name:
Poor thing!! ๐Ÿ˜€

Finish this statement, โ€œIf I had a lot of money Iโ€™dโ€ฆโ€
Be in the Bahamas with Shru! ๐Ÿ˜€

Do you drive fast?

First gear: fast.
Second gear: wow, look at him!
Third gear: Road-hog!!
Fourth gear: Grease lightning!
Overdrive: E = mc
2

Do you sleep with a stuffed animal?
I’m not a pervert!! ๐Ÿ˜€

Storms – Cool or Scary?
Scary… Very scary!

Do you eat the stems on broccoli?
Love ’em! ๐Ÿ˜€

If you could dye your hair any color, what would be your choice?
Chocolate ๐Ÿ˜‰

Name all the different cities/towns you have lived in:
Bangalore, Hubli, Dharwad, Dandeli, New York.

Favorite sports to watch:
Cricket!!!

One nice thing about the person who sent this to you:
Potentially good sutta partner!! ๐Ÿ˜€

Whatโ€™s under your bed?
My deepest, darkest secret – a newspaper dated August 20, 1984!! ๐Ÿ˜€

Would you like to be born as yourself again?
I wouldn’t mind! ๐Ÿ˜€

Morning person or night owl?
Twilight zombie…

Over easy or sunny side up?
Scrambled, with a dash of cheese! ๐Ÿ˜€

Favourite place to relax:
Gokarna!! I want to be buried there! ๐Ÿ˜€

Favourite pie:
3.141567346464323….. ๐Ÿ˜€

Favourite ice cream flavor:
Chocolate!!! ๐Ÿ˜€

You pass this tag to:
Shuz, Fruity, Shiwuz, Mariacristina, Suda

Of all the people you tagged this to, whoโ€™s most likely to respond first?
Shuz… ๐Ÿ™‚