The Dummy’s Guide To Pissing People Off!

piss_off_guide

Of course! It has to be true! Damn right! You need to piss people off all the time! It’s much like the song ‘Iris’ by Goo Goo Dolls, where he croons, “…yeah you bleed just to know you’re alive!” We need to irritate people around us all the time to feel alive. What’s the point of living if you don’t piss someone off? Huh? Tell me!

The scientists at the MirrorCracked Labs are quite busy these days with the grand opening just round the corner. (Oh, you have to watch the video if you haven’t already! It’s pretty neat! A lovely teaser for the MirrorCracked Labs’ grand opening!)Β  I use the term ‘grand opening’ quite a lot, don’t I?

Sorry, I digress. As I was saying, the scientists are quite busy plotting planning the grand opening, and have relegated this particular Dummy’s Guide to me and me alone. I hope I do justice.

Pissing people off – the heart and soul of our existence. We wouldn’t be here doing what we are doing if someone a hundred thousand years ago hadn’t pissed someone off and started a war. We wouldn’t be here if someone hadn’t pissed on someone else’s joy! You wouldn’t be reading this if someone hadn’t pissed me off and made me write this. So, you have to agree with me that it’s quite important to piss people off all the time. It’s our god-given right. It’s why we were given a voice. It’s why were given the ability to ridicule and irritate and point fingers and laugh. It’s our duty! πŸ™‚

So, how do we do it? How do we achieve the perfect balance between pissing someone off and not getting slapped, shot, kicked in the nuts, stabbed in the back, kicked in the nuts, slapped, slapped, punched in the face, kicked in the nuts again or pushed off a cliff? It takes great care and patience to achieve this feat, and it’s not easy. You need to pay attention.

Pissing Men Off

arnold_angryQuite easy – take a dig at their manhood. Tell them they’re virgins and even if they are, they’ll vehemently deny it. Watching their face go from a normal beige to various shades of red, blue and orange is quite fun. Men are strange in this issue – I don’t know why but they always overplay their sexual exploits and this is the best way to piss a man off.

Of course, the only two other things that matter to a guy is either beer or sports. Ridicule his favorite beer and you might end up on the wrong end of a well-placed kick to the nuts. Ridicule the guy and call him a sissy for watching cricket or golf, and he’ll go stark raving mad.

I’ll let you in on a secret. If you know a guy who is straight and want to piss him off, accuse him of being gay. Oh, he’ll hate you for the rest of his life, and he’ll stay away from cosmetics and watch each of his words carefully whenever you’re around! πŸ˜€

PS: I don’t want to dig my own grave in this postscript by saying something about homosexual tendencies that I’ll regret, so I’ll just construct a totally useless sentence.

Pissing Women Off

woman_attackGiven that sex, booze and sports are the only three things that can effectively piss a man off, you’ll find it hard to piss a woman off with these three topics. Women are usually very secure about their sexuality/sex lives and taking a dig at their alcoholic tastes will be like throwing grains of sand at a hurtling train hoping to derail it. And women and sports, well, let me not be a spoilsport, but you know how it goes. (My mom thought F1 cars were battery controlled toys and unmanned!)

So, how do we piss women off? Easy – take a dig at her age. It always works, no exceptions. Tell her, “Oh, you look so much younger in your photographs!” and she’ll hate you with a vehemence second only to a supernova.

Horizontal attacks are also effective. “You seem to have gained some weight,” “Is that an extra-large top?” and “How many months due are you?” are the three most effective way to piss a woman off about her weight. Never fails.

But I am duty bound to warn you – Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. Be careful.

Go ahead! Piss someone off today! Live a little! πŸ™‚

Images Courtesy: Arnoldspeaks.com and Randommovieclub.blogspot.com

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The Dummy’s Guide To Breaking Up!

So, here we are again, after a few rants and a lot more beer, trying to learn some of the basic things in life through the evergreen Dummy’s Guide. This time round, the scientists at the MirrorCracked Labs decided to be a bit more human and latched on to topics that are studied and researched the least around the world – breaking up, ditching and getting ditched. Not many people want to talk about it, but psychologically speaking, it’s a very easy thing to talk about, especially after a few rounds of vodka. Alcohol loosens tongues.

There are guides to lose a girl and there are guides to lose a guy, but The Dummy’s Guide is perhaps the most comprehensive of the lot.

Anyway, the MirrorCracked Labs decided to publish their research here, after careful observations with spy cameras, hidden microphones and tapped telephones. For anyone who is in a relationship they don’t want to be in, this is a must read. Follow these techniques and you’ll be single again, that’s a guarantee. The Love Guru endorses these techniques, by the way, so no need to worry about the credibility of the claims.

It’s Not You, It’s Me…

Popularized by Seinfeld and immortalized by the Love Guru millions of times, the “It’s not you, it’s me” routine works wonders when dealing with stubborn partners. I know many of us would just wish that we could say the things we think about, on their faces, but unfortunately, that would get us killed. For instance, there was this girl who once accused me of ‘taking advantage’ of her when she was drunk, and I really wanted to say, “I wouldn’t take advantage of you even if you were not drunk, and even if I did, it would be a disadvantage, you paranoid bitch,” but I ended up saying, “Of course not, baby. You can trust me,” and we cuddled the whole night. I broke up with her the next evening using the “it’s not you, it’s me” routine.

This is what you need to do. Take your partner to a very nice restaurant and sit across the table and stare into your partner’s eyes and tell them, “Look, this really is not what I had in mind when I started seeing you. I am really crazy in my head and my notions of love and relationships are obsolete. You’re a great person and I am sure you deserve someone much better than me.”

Then your partner will look shocked, maybe shed a few tears and ask you, “Please don’t say such things.”

And you should say, “It’s not you, it’s me. It’s just me. I am not the right person for you. Let’s not argue further.” Hold your partner’s hands while saying the line, it adds to the effect. Trust me, this always works.

I Need A Break…

This technique is ideal for peopleΒ  below 25 years of age, and those who are not considering a commitment with your partner. More often than not, your partner will be seriously considering committing and would want to marry you or something. So, once you see the signs (excessive drooling around you, stupid look in the eyes, blindly agreeing to whatever you say, every conversation leading to marriage and future and babies), you should make sure that you break it off.

Take your partner to the place where you first went out for a date, or any other nice coffee shop would suffice. Tell your partner that you need a break and that you just want to be friends and that you have a career to think about at that moment in your life. Your partner will be confused and won’t understand what you’re hinting at. Then you should say, “I don’t want to date you anymore.”

If your partner still doesn’t get it, then you shouldn’t be with that person in the first place!

I’m Already Married…

If neither of the two routines are applicable to you, then the best and (sometimes) the safest way is to tell your partner that you’re already married. Choose a public place to tell them this, because there are chances that they might get violent. To be sure, call the cops beforehand.

The Other Routines…

Other guides would probably harp on other routines and the most popular one I found was to tell your partner that you’re gay. This is a big No-No! Do not tell your partner that you’re gay, because you have no idea what effect this will have on your image in the market. Your partner will stop at nothing to make the whole world know that you’re gay and that will seriously affect your chances of scoring with anyone else. Dialogues like, “Oh, you’re that homo, aren’t you?” and “Don’t I know you from somewhere? Oh yeah, I remember. I’m sorry, I don’t date homosexuals” become quite common and your life will be miserable.

If You Get Dumped…

…then, don’t worry. Just contact me and tell me your problems and why you were dumped and I will take up your case in the MirrorCracked Labs and figure out a way to make your life better. πŸ˜€

Farting Etiquettes

Whatever size, form or shape, toilet humor has always brought a smile to people’s faces. So, even if someone does not like the idea of a whole post on Farting Etiquette, what the fart? I’ll still write it.

Mankind I have always harbored an admiration for the powerful forces of nature. Wind energy is the next best thing to fossil fuels, and as long as there’s food on the planet, there will be farts.

Breaking wind is an essential fart of human nature. The fart of the matter is, no one can hold it any longer than 2 hours. This is scientifically proven at the MirrorCracked labs. There are certain etiquettes when it comes to unleashing our wind upon the unsuspecting public, and not many people adhere to it.

There’s a 4-line poem in Sanskrit, which describes the different intensities of smell that are associated with different levels of farting:

Darrr-am Burrrr-am Bhayam Naasthi
(Loud, sonic-boom farts do not stink)

Koiyyam Kotakasya Madhyaman
(There’s a reasonable amount of stink when the fart is squeaky and forced)

Thissssss-adhghoram Mahadhghoram
(Unbearable attack of stink forces when the fart hisses)

Nishabdham Praana Sankatam
(The unheard fart is a killer)

With this knowledge of the ages in mind, we can keep ourselves aware of what we need to do when we can’t hold it any longer. Here are a few tips on how to behave when we fart:

  1. If you’re alone, then let it out loudly, smile and say, “Wow, what a fart!”
  2. If in a meeting with 4 or more people and you very quietly let loose, then slowly start pushing your chair away from the person sitting next to you and give him/her a dirty look. Others will follow suit. This technique is called Farting The Blame.
  3. If you’re standing in a crowded bus, then make sure that you start pushing your way through the crowd slowly but steadily, moving towards the door, while farting quietly, so that the stink is distributed evenly throughout the length of the bus. (Not applicable outside India)
  4. If you’re with a girlfriend/boyfriend and you realize that you have to break wind, then play some music and tell your partner that you’ll dance for her/him. Unleash the wind energy quietly while dancing. He/she will never know. It’s easier for smokers – they can just light up to kill the stink.
  5. If you’re with someone who’s irritating you and you just want them to go away, then do the sonic-boom.

I sincerely hope this small but comprehensive guide helps people in distress. As usual, contact me for a free demo. πŸ˜€

Image Courtesy: Photobucket.com

The Dummy’s Guide To The Basic Rules Of Blogging

So you think you know how to blog, do you? Well, if you do, then good for you! Sometimes, the ability to delude ourselves is an important survival tool. For all those unfortunate netizens who sit and stare with open mouths at blogs and wonder how it’s done and for all those fortunate ones, who think they know how to blog, here’s a must-have quick reference – The Dummy’s Guide To The Basic Rules Of Blogging! It’s about bloody time someone taught us how to blog!

Rule 1: Eat

Before you even think of the word ‘blog,’ eat well. I suggest a couple of bowls of chicken soup as well. There is a scientific reason behind this and I don’t want to go into the details. It has something to do with the ability to stifle a yawn.

Just take my advice – eat heartily and then sit in front of the computer and open the blog engine homepage.

Rule 2: Logging in

You can use your own username and password or you could steal someone else’s. It actually doesn’t matter as long as you get in. There’s a button usually present next to the password field that says “Enter” or “Submit” or “Log in” or, sometimes, very rarely, “Spank me.” Click that button. Congrats, you’ve just logged in.

Rule 3: Do A Tag

You’ll never be recognized as a blogger if you write shit and don’t do tags. Very few people know this, but the word “Tags” is an acronym – it stands for “Towards A Greater Sexlife.”Β  The reasoning behind this would probably be the increasing amount of personal information that is being shared in each and every tag. (Oh, you wouldn’t believe it, but I once did a tag in which I asked a beautiful woman to marry me. But that’s just me. Different people reveal different things.)

So, beg, borrow or steal a meme, and do the tag. You’ll be certified as a blogger.

Rule 4: Etiquette

Just two words: No Nudity!

Whatever you write, whatever you comment, whatever photographs you upload and display, please make sure that your nude photographs and descriptions are not among them. No one wants to know. No one cares.

Rule 5: Comment Policy

One of the main aspects of blogging is to build good relationships with fellow bloggers. This can be achieved by visiting their site and leaving a scar comment on their article. This will force them to return the favor and voila! You’ve got a rudimentary blogroll! Now, don’t repeat that again. A good blogger never replies to comments or retaliates. A good blogger is always too drunk to do these things.

Rule 6: Logging out

Finally, after everything is said and done, you may search your page for a “Log Out” button. This button is also, very rarely, called “Spank me again.”

Go ahead. Blog! Show the world what you’ve got!

Let me rephrase that – Show the world how creative you can be! We don’t want to break Rule 4, do we?

I was…

Isn’t it fun! Balu, Rekha and Barath have tagged and all three are very very interesting tags. I wonder if I can do justice to them! Actually, this time, I’ll leave the tag open and I urge everyone to do these tags, because they’re really really intriguing! But I’m forcing Ruhi to do this tag!! πŸ˜€

Let me rack whatever little brains I’ve been blessed with and try to come up with absolutely stupid nice responses to them! Here goes…!

Tag 1:

Eight things I am passionate about :

1. Mountain Dew!! Do the Dew!!

2. Chicken Biryani! (If anyone reading this is a PETA activist, then please read this as Vegetable Biryani!)

2. Hot tea early in the morning!!

4. Ahem Ahem…

5. Pink Floyd’s songs! We don’t need no education! πŸ˜€

6. My job!

7. Blogging! It’s a religion! πŸ˜€

8. All my 450 novels!! πŸ˜€

Eight things I want to do before I die:

1 – 7: Visit all the seven wonders of the world! πŸ˜€

8. Invent a potion that’ll make me immortal! πŸ˜€

Eight things I say often:

Unfortunately, I swear a lot! I know, it doesn’t sound like me, but sometimes, I get really mad at people around me and pejoratives just burst forth like a dam breaking. Since I don’t want WordPress to delete my blog for being obscene, I’ll refrain myself! πŸ˜€

Eight books I have read recently:

The Bourne Series, Life of PI, Inside Intuit, Tintin in Tibet, Tintin in America and currently, Tintin and the Red Sea Sharks! πŸ˜€

Tag 2:

List 10 TV shows that made TV worth watching:

I’m a huuuuuge couch potato, and there’s not a single show that I’ve not seen. But, if I had to pick 10, then they’d have to be:

1. The Simpsons, who made my day! πŸ˜€

2. Home Improvement, where Tim Allen still cracks me up!

3. House MD, in which Hugh Laurie portrays my dream job!

4. The X-Files, which made me question my existence and made me look up to the heavens.

5. The Crystal Maze, which, till today, remains the best reality game show ever created!!!

6. Rugrats, which made me smile every night before I slept.

7. Bones, which aired recently on Fox, and got me hooked on to the idiot box.

8. Numbers, to which I was introduced by MN, and which gripped me hard! πŸ˜€

9. Mission Impossible, which was a series on which the popular movies were based. i like them better than the movies. πŸ˜€

10. Remington Steele, which made me fall in love with Pierce Brosnan’s acting!! πŸ˜€

Tag 3:

(I like this one the best because this got me really thinking, something I don’t do often!)

I modified this one a bit, and here’s what I’d do in the next 9 minutes:

7.49 pm: I need a smoke! πŸ˜€

7.50 pm: I need a cold cold beer! πŸ˜€

7.51 pm: I want to fly away on Emirates Airlines to Dubai and live the life of a bedouin!

7.52 pm: I would much rather have a cup of tea than coffee, thanks! πŸ™‚

7.53 pm: Stop blogging, you’re in office and you’ve got to work!!

7.54 pm: Damn, it’s almost 8 and I need to go home!

7.55 pm: I need a smoke! πŸ™‚

7.56 pm: Tomorrow’s Saturday!! Yippee!!! πŸ˜€

7.57 pm: Someone call me, please! I’m bored! πŸ˜€

7.58 pm: Shit, I badly need a smoke! πŸ˜€

Told you it would be interesting! Go ahead, try it! πŸ˜€