If I Were A Video Game…

  1. I’d be called “Yo-yo: God Strikes Back!”

  2. The first release of the game would have included villains like The Malevolent Nightmare from the Isolated Earth” and “Kitten-Obliterating Ravager of Yuckiness.”

  3. I’d be constantly on God Mode.

  4. Cheat codes would include, “Call Her Tomorrow”, “Don’t take her phone calls”, “Ditch every third girl”, “Men are pigs”, “Beer breakfast”, “Weed cake”, “Nirvana”, “Forgive and Regret” and most importantly, “Fuckhead.”

  5. Playstation 3 would feature a multi-player version of me, where one of the players has to be a woman and has to be cute, compulsorily. (Players will have to undergo a genetic test before playing.)

  6. MirrorCracked would feature a complete ‘walkthro’ of the game, to allow followers of the game to literally, walk in my shoes.

  7. The X-box 360 version will have horny sexy cheerleaders popping up every three minutes and doing what they do best.

  8. I would overtake Counter Strike as the most popular game on the planet, and due to the sex and violence involved, China would ban the game.

  9. Hollywood would make a movie based on the game, featuring Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson and Angelina ‘The Dumb’ Jolie.

  10. I wouldn’t be blogging, since I’d be a frikkin video game.

Enough nonsense. Time to get back to my personalized version of Road Rash, where I’m the only guy on a bike chasing lungi-clad Indian politicians (Level 1) and horny sexy scantily-clad cheerleaders (Level 2).

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