The ‘Butt’on Brigade

This post is for the person who gave me that screwball lecture on Global Warming,   😀

I sat through a long discourse on global warming and how it’ll affect the kind of clothes we wear on a daily basis. Apparently, the Earth is going to become too hot for us to wear clothes and we’d all be walking around butt-naked on the streets, sweating like pigs. Nudists are going to have a field day, however, but for the rest of us unfortunates, we will be forced to do something drastic to preserve whatever ‘little’ decency we have.

From the Stone Age to the Information Age and the present Boobage, we’re hurtling towards another Ass Age. Strangely, this comes just before the next Ice Age, and the two pronunciations are not to be confused. So, what do we do in this ex-ass-perating situation?

There will come a time when people’s butts will become a taboo – as taboo’d as the other ‘private’ parts. Unfortunately, people will not share the same obsession they have for these parts and we’ll see them being bared in public. But the butt, it’s gonna be highly private. Someone will invent a Butt-Guard or a Butt-Off or something similar in all shapes and sizes and fake ones too, that will protect the butt from prying eyes. More than anything, these inventions will prevent Ass Lovers from their eye-candy.

These Ass Lovers will create a secret society called the ‘Butt’on Brigade, and their main objective will be to beautify the backside through underground videos. Scores of people will be misled into joining the ‘Butt’on Brigade and kids as young as 10 will be brainwashed and made to join. Law and order will fail against the sheer numbers of the Brigadiers and the kids will create their own version called the ‘Little Asses.’

And since all the truths about Global Warming would have been proven to be true, the Governments of all the countries will decide that they need to ignore the ominous signs again. Their anal logic would be: Lightning doesn’t strike the same place twice, so why should Global Warming?

But the logic would turn out to be just that – anal and stinky, Global Warming would strike again, bringing an end to the Ice and the Ass Age. The taboos would return to normal. We’d be flashing our butts in public again and hiding other parts.

If only this fucked-up version of the future were true. Unfortunately, it’s just a dream. An ass-piration…

RAM, RAM!

No, I’m not that religious.

But of late, I would probably need divine intervention. People who are in the computer-hardware-retail industry should understand that some technocrats like myself need a constant supply of RAM chips and upgraded hard disks to stay happy and smiling. Few days ago, I decided to upgrade my piece-of-junk desktop and opened her up. After clearing away the dust and the cobwebs, I saw a couple of dead cockroaches among the wiring, a tiny label that read “Warranty ends June 1991” and two wrappers of an ancient bubble-gum called Big Babol! 😀

I overhauled the machine, giving it a shiny, new cabinet, spacious hard-drive, a reliable DVD writer and – the best of the lot – an Intel dual core processor. I was very happy. I was actually proud of my handiwork. I patted myself on the back, and switched the damn thing on. Three minutes into Vista’s “Welcome” screen, the piece-of-junk committed suicide. It chose to hang itself. 😀

I realized that it probably didn’t have enough memory (and this is perhaps the reason it forgot to stay alive!) went on a mission to find new RAM chips. I had little time on my hand, I was wearing a pair of dirty shorts and a tattered t-shirt, and it was 8 pm on a Saturday night. The cops were everywhere and they latched on to me like a pack of dogs. Their demands were threefold:

“License!”

“Insurance documents!”

“Emission Test Certificate!”

I had none and I had to shell out quite a fat sum of money to get my bike back from those idiots. Finally, when I reached my trusty hardware store, they said they didn’t have the RAM I wanted and that I had to wait till Monday for someone to come and find it. I started wondering if God is playing a prank on me.

Even now, after returning home and sitting on this for some time, wondering, I look back on all the things that have happened to me in my life, and I ask God, “Why? Why me?”

He once replied, “Because I created you for a specific reason. You’re my yo-yo!” 😀

The Finger!

For some strange reason, people like to give me the finger! They think that raising their middle finger at me and glaring at me (if-looks-could-kill kind of looks) would make them feel better, perhaps even make up for all the injustices I have heaped on them. And the other thing that bothers me is that whenever people give me “the finger”, more often than not, they are people I don’t know and am passing them on the road. I sat down and seriously considered my driving skills one day.

I am a safe driver, I don’t go beyond 60 kmph and most of the times, I apologize for bumping into some other vehicle or some old bugger trying to cross the road, and at the times I don’t apologize is when I don’t realize that I’ve “made contact,” a fact which I realize only when I go home and see the fuel or the oil leaking out from a hole in the chassis. But still, I haven’t killed anyone or anything on the road, and am generally on the right side of the traffic. 🙂

Anyway, these things are beyond my comprehension. If people on the street want to give me the finger, they can go ahead and do it. I don’t really care. But if they really have to give me the finger and shout out loud that I’m a “rotten scoundrel who has to learn how to drive and respect elders,” when I’m standing in front of my house, with a few cute girls whom I’m trying to charm, thus ruining my chances with the lovely creations of God, then it pisses me off! 🙂

Anyway, dear reader, I’m back from my hiatus and will be filling these pages with more of my singular and quirky experiences hoping to make you laugh, and I thank you all for your support.

Shefaly has tagged me with a lovely meme here, and I am in the process of compiling the relevant information to do that. Hopefully, I’ll finish it soon and post the tag.

Cheers! 🙂

Virginia Tobacco :)

Note: The following post is protected under strict copyright laws, owned by Nam and her Nandu Mama. Copying this material or using it in any context without the explicit written and/or verbal permission of both the owners is punishable by the just laws of the glorious country of Sheikla Abbu. The following is not a true story, however, any resemblance to any person or animal, living or dead, has been included deliberately after a great deal of procrastination. Thanks to Nam for keeping me awake last night with this fascinating tale of deception, treachery and greed. I would have dozed off if it weren’t for her. 🙂

Once upon a time, in an imagination far, far colorful, lived a Sheik who ruled over the glorious country of Sheikla Abbu. He had a thousand camels and a thousand horses and a thousand elephants and a thousand ten wives. He had an enormous palace, where he used to spend time with his wives and eat the best food in all of Abbu, drink the finest wine, listen to the best music and dance to the best tunes. He was also a bit greedy.

The Sheik was an accomplished warrior, who had conquered his enemies far and wide and wanted to expand his kingdom even more. So, against the wishes of his wives and wise men, he set out, leading his huge army south, to the kingdom of Virginia. This name is not to be confused with its namesake in the USA. He led the army through blistering deserts and freezing nights, and finally reached the doors of the castle in Virginia. They had been traveling for a thousand days and all were tired, including the Sheik.

He knew that if he declared war in his state of fatigue, he would lose terribly. So, he extended a hand of friendship to the ruler of Virginia, who gave the Sheik a pack of Virginia Tobacco, as a gesture of good faith. This is where our story kicks off into a bizarre world of madness. For two years he completely forgot about this packet of cigarettes in his possession, and went about his daily routines. Once, while cleaning out his writing desk, he found the unopened pack of Virginia Tobacco lying there, under a heap of death warrants.

Curious to try it out, the Sheik took out a cigarette from the pack and took a drag from the sweet tobacco, he could hear someone counting – “One, Two, Three, Four, Five…” in his ear, loudly. He looked around him, astonished at seeing no one, and yet, the voice was very clear in his mind. Someone had counted loudly and he had heard them! So, in his confused rage, he ordered the heads of all his guards to be chopped off.

The next day, when he was sitting on the banks of the river, he took out another cigarette and started smoking it. As soon as he took the first drag, he could bear someone counting again – “Five, Six, Seven, Eight…” and this time, the voice seemed to be very near to him. He looked around, and finding no one, ordered all his animals to be beheaded. No one dared to question his madness when he was in one of his rages. He sat back down and took another drag of the cigarette. Again, as before, he heard counting in his head – “Ten, Eleven, Twelve, Thirteen…” and he got really really freaked!

He started stripping down his robes, thinking that there could have been some sort of black magic going on. As he removed his shirt, something fell down to the ground. It was the pack of Virginia Tobacco. He picked it up and for the first time, read what was written on the pack.

“Virginia Tobacco: The Tobacco That Counts!” 😀

Beers, Laughs and WordPress Themes!

Thursday night was a blur – it was May 1st, Labor Day, and I was working hard in office till almost 8 pm. If that wasn’t ironic enough, then try this: I had to attend a press conference the next day and I was supposed to go in complete formal wear and be on my best behavior – so, I got drunk that night, celebrating Labor Day and went to the press conference in an unpressed shirt and carrying a mega-hangover! I know a lot of people will read this and judge me and call me an irresponsible jerk who doesn’t deserve to be employed, but in my defense, I didn’t plan on getting drunk and I don’t have formal wear! I wonder if this argument will hold up in court or if I’ll be thrown in a mental asylum to be evaluated. Hmm… 😀

Anyway, that night, I met Rags and Panday – two of my closest friends – and we went to this place called Tavern. The place was quite empty when we reached at 8.30 pm and by the time we ordered the second pitcher of cold draught, the place was overflowing and the music drowned our voices. We laughed and laughed and remembered all the strange things that have happened to each one of us, and wished time could stand still…

By the end of the night, this is how we looked:

Rags looked quite sane because all she drank was two mugs, constantly being paranoid about her health cehck-up as part of the Australian Visa thingy! And Panday is a regular fish-tank when it comes to booze, and we both gulped down most of it. I felt so buzzed that I decided to change my wordpress theme!!!

Ok, here’s where logic is thrown out of the window. I was high on alcohol and in that dazed state of mind, I realized that my wordpress theme looked gay-ish. 😀

I’d better change it!! So, here’s the effect! A new theme that’s here to stay, hopefully as long as my old, faithful Light did.

Akhil and Chucks, if you both are reading this, then we missed you both big time!

Cheers!!! 😀