Letter To Cupid, 2012

Statutory Warning: The following post contains words and imagery that some people may deem as inappropriate. I have used the word ‘fuck’ twice and I talk about raising my middle fingers to someone, giving that someone the message to go fornicate with themselves. I have used a photograph of a winged child-thing found dead, face down, with an arrow in its back, lying in a pool of its own filth. If you or anyone around you find(s) my language and mannerisms offensive, please click here. Else, continue reading. 

Cupid is Dead

Dear Cupid Asshole

Here we are again, in 2012. I’m still here, single as fuck, and you’re still there, dancing around with your gay wings and your gay arrows. I wrote to you earlier, around 4 years ago and you promised me that the next time would be different. You are a filthy liar and nothing more. If I look back on this year, all you’ve given me is hope, despair and embarrassment. What the hell is the matter with you, jackass? Can’t you just do your job right?

So, in the light of all that you’ve done for me this year and for the past so many years before, I raise both my fingers to you. Go suck an orange, kid.

Do you remember how I signed off my last letter to you? You don’t? Drop Dead.

In all sincerity,

Go Fuck Yourself.

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The Dummy’s Guide To Long Distance Relationships

Long Distance Relationships

“Wait a minute! What is this? The Dummy’s Guide? Oh my god, it’s back! It’s back!” screamed one hysterical groupie who ran into me on the street this afternoon. I didn’t know whether to be embarrassed or delighted. In the end, I just managed to nod my head, smile, make appropriate noises, and escape to the safety of my office.

After what seems like a really long time, MirrorCracked is proud to present the rebirth of the Dummy’s Guide series – the self-help guides that guarantee results. For the uninitiated, check out the other guides here.

This time, I write about a topic in which I have done very extensive research – women and relationships. I don’t claim to know all the answers, of course, but I know just about enough that is bound to help all those poor souls who are unlucky enough to be trapped in a long distance relationship. I have an ulterior motive in writing this post, obviously. I, too, am stuck in a long distance relationship with a wonderful woman who amazes me with her sudden bouts of weirdness. After a deja vu morning that saw me relive my gory days of 2006, when I was rapidly losing my mind and my hair over a dead-end long distance relationship in the US, I decided to write this guide to help ease the pain and mental agony that many of my fellow men face in similar situations.

Given below are a list of the top five accusations that a unhinged girlfriend/wife/partner can make against you in a long distance relationship, and the appropriate responses that you can use as rebuttal. These responses are guaranteed to ensure a long-lasting feeling of warmth and love in the unhinged girl’s mind, while totally absolving you of any grief, guilt or need. Here goes.

1. You never have the time to talk to me!

I’m sorry, I’ve been too busy talking to other people about you. I’ve been so held up that I haven’t really had time for anything. Everyone around me seems to want to know about you, and I’ve told the story of how we met and fell in love a million times in the last three days! (For added effect: Each time, with a smile on my face.)

2. You don’t communicate enough! I don’t know what’s happening in your life!

If I don’t communicate enough, it’s probably because there isn’t anything interesting to report. In the past few months, the only interesting thing that has happened to me is YOU. There is nothing else happening with me. Without you around, I lead a very boring life.

3. You are never there when I need you the most!

The obvious thing to say would be, “Well, neither are you, bitch!” but please refrain from doing so. Instead, say this: I know I’ve been preoccupied with certain things of late, but you’re always a priority, darling. I will make sure that I’ll take the effort to be there for you whenever you need me. You’re never off my mind. 

4. I don’t know whether this will work out or not!

Neither did the Shah of Persia, when he set out to walk around the world alone. But he did. He accomplished the seemingly impossible task by sheer faith. Have faith in us, and we will survive. (PS: There was no Shah of Persia, but she need not know that. Forrest Gump is also a good name to use.)

5. My friend saw you with another woman on the bike / car / mall / beach!

It’s true, I won’t deny it. I met a friend from school / college and we went out for a coffee / lunch. She called me a hopeless romantic because all I could talk about was you. 

***

PS: For tips on how to lie effectively to women, wait for my next guide.

PPS: For more information on specific scenarios, feel free to contact me. If I’m alive at the end of the day, I’ll reply to your mails. If not, It’s been sweet knowing you.

Calvin And Hobbes: The Last One

He opened his eyes to darkness. He felt around with his hands and found the wall to his right, along which his bed lay. He groped around until he found a switch and flipped it on. Harsh white fluorescent light filled the room and hurt his eyes. Reflexively, he closed them and groaned. His head hurt – no, pounded from within, and it felt like a million sledgehammers threatening to break open his skull. He turned on to his side and winced as sharp points of pain pricked his joints and when he couldn’t take it anymore, he sat up. Still dressed in his clothes from the night before, he looked down at his hands and feet, wondering how he ever got home. The last thing he remembered was his tenth beer. There had been a lot of shouting, a lot of music, loud music, and a lot of dancing. He vaguely remembered throwing up somewhere, and sure enough, he saw the dirty yellow stains on his white shirt and blue jeans.”Shit,” he muttered, and swung his legs off the bed.

Standing in the middle of the room, he stretched himself and took a step towards the bathroom when he stepped on something soft and furry. He looked down at the old stuffed tiger he used to play with as a kid, and kicked it under the bed in anger. He had suffered enough because of it, and he had no intention of ruining his life further.

“Twenty years,” he said to the bit of furry tail still visible from under the bed. “Twenty years of my life ruined because I thought you were real. They stuck me in a nut house and asked me to swallow pills every two hours. I don’t know what I was thinking.” Then, calming himself, he took a few deep breaths and said, almost chanted, “You’re not real. You’re not real.”

He walked into the bathroom, showered, shaved and came out feeling refreshed. As he stood looking at his thirty-year old beaten, worn-out, pot-bellied frame, he thought back to the day in his youth when he had burned his parents alive. The tiger had asked him to do it. The tiger had said it would be a good idea. He had listened to the tiger and killed his parents. Pain wracked through his mind and he shut his eyes tight as tears rolled down his wet cheeks. “I’m sorry,” he said to no one in particular.He was different then, before the medication, before the doctors, before the black-outs…

When he turned away from the mirror, he was about to reach down to grab a shirt from the floor, when he stopped dead in his tracks. The stuffed tiger that he had kicked under the bed was now back where it had been. The single remaining beady eye and the empty socket where the other bead had been looked up at him in a cold stare, unflinching, as if daring him to talk. As if daring him to scream, to shout, to say something. He stared at the tiger, frozen in mid-step and too scared to do anything. He swallowed a large gulp of fear and said, “You’re not real. You’re not real. You’re not real.”

He turned away closing his eyes and shut both his ears with his hands, still chanting his mantra. When he stopped to catch a breath, he heard someone call his name from behind him.

“Calvin,” the voice said. “Why won’t you talk to me anymore?”

“No!” he screamed. “Don’t talk to me! You’re not real!” He still was turned away, now crouching near the wall, his head resting against the corner. “Shut up!”

“You think I don’t miss you, Calvin?” the voice asked.

“You’re not real. You’re not real…” he continued in monotone, rocking back and forth, drowning out the tiger’s voice.

“Of course I’m real. I’m right here. Turn around, Calvin.”

And he didn’t know why he did it, but he did. He turned, opened his eyes and saw the tiger standing there in the middle of the room. The tiger was smiling at him, standing on its hind legs, holding out its hands as if waiting for an embrace. Calvin took a tentative step towards the tiger, still confused and the madness showing on his face with no inhibition. “NO…!!” he screamed. “You are NOT real!” and he ran towards the bed-side drawer, pulled out a gun from inside and put it in his mouth.

He looked at the tiger’s eye and saw the tears rolling down to its cheek and forming tiny puddles on the floor. He was crying himself. He couldn’t stop the tears.

“Don’t do it, Calvin,” said the tiger, stifling a sob.

“I’m sorry, Hobbes,” he said and pulled the trigger. As the last shard of life left his body, he thought he saw a stuffed tiger lying at his feet. He tried to smile and tried to tell himself that the tiger was not real. He tried, in vain.

Psycho Kid Saves The World!

Kids these days!

I have a friend who’s studying media communications or some such droll in a prominent college in the city. She’s known to be a bit loony. Maybe she was dropped on her head as a child, I don’t know, but she is absolutely nuts. Her parents think she’s a mistake and don’t know how she was born; her friends think she is faking it; her teachers realize that her head is not all that properly wired and accord her the deference reserved for a 102-year-old senile inmate of a mental institution; and I think, and I’m sure I’m right, that she is the only person alive who can prove that the evolution of the human brain stopped a long time ago. 😀

Anyway, I’m sharing an email that she sent me and a million other people a few months back. It’s quite a read. It’s long-winding, but I urge you to take some time to read through it. I promise you that you’ll be laughing uncontrollably by the time you get to the third paragraph. 😀

Hi,

I didn’t think I’d have to tell you so soon. But, lots of things lately have been happening pre-maturely, so I guess I should’ve expected this.

I don’t know how to say this, so let me just come to the point. By the end of this year, the Third World War is going to begin in earnest. This is not some wild fantasy prophesying the end of the world. You may not believe it, but I do. And I KNOW it’s coming. I do not say this to scare you, but it is imperative that you know the truth. The truth is not only is the war imminent, but also that I am going to play a big part in it – trying to establish peace. It may sound like a line out of a movie, but I assure you I’m not playing at being a hero. This is my calling. It is what I have come here to do.

To be able to fulfil my destiny better, it is my decision to stop college altogether. I have learnt all I possibly can from educational institutions; it is now time for me to do what I was born to do.
I have been preparing for this war and its consequences for quite a while now. This war is going to be worse than anything you can ever imagine. Scary as it is, we must face up to it.

I fervently wish that you trust me and believe what I am telling you. I have no reason to lie to you. I gain nothing by stressing the proximity of war, except that I can somehow help you.
You may not think me able to face up to something so big – I know I’m little and thin and look like I can be blown away by a gust of wind. But, never judge a book by its cover.
I know you’re still thinking, “So why do you have to leave college before anything happens.” Well, first of all, there’s no use in continuing with college, because it will not teach me anything that will help me. Secondly, I’m to use the time off to physically train for the upcoming changes. Thirdly, I have prepared a list of items of survival and I will have to find the means of collecting such equipment in bulk. Fourthly, I must prepare various items necessary to survive the war and climatic changes.

I know you feel that I can do all these things while going to college, but here’s my question, “What’s the use of going to college?” You may argue that what I say may not happen, and I confess that I have no means to prove it to you. However, the universe has always been good and communicative with me, and all I can say is that I KNOW.

Do not try to stop me or reason with me. This is the path I choose. This is as far as it concerns me. But, I am concerned about you, too.

It may come as no surprise to you that this war is going to employ nuclear and bio-chemical warfare. It is therefore that I suggest that as you see the signs of impending warfare, Please prepare for it as best you can. Maybe your life plan does not involve you doing anything about it right now. But, that day will come. And I hope you will be at least mentally prepared for what is to come.

You could find some means of buying the requisite commodities you will need to safeguard yourself and your family from the hazards of war. Ample information and materials are available on the internet. And, besides, I’ve been preparing a list of such items and will only be glad to help you.
In my opinion, it would be best if you remained with your family through the war. However, if by some chance, you are stranded and cannot reach your family at any time, remember that you can always depend upon me. I also suggest that you think of a safe and remote area, where you and your family can move to in case of an evacuation.

You will also need to make your peace with death – your own, of family, friends and the people around you. Everyone and everything that is born, eventually dies. I know it is poor consolation, but it is the truth. This war is going to bring out the ugly side of human nature. There is going to be rampant looting, stealing and (unfortunately) raping. My advice is to get yourself a weapon, NOT pepper spray. And so, you will have to make your peace with killing and maiming, too.
I know I’m painting a very gruesome picture, but I want you to be ready for every eventuality. This war is, in all probability, going to make your worst nightmares, real. Be prepared for the worst. After all, it is said that when you are prepared for something, it does not come. Because when it comes, you are ready.
There is going to be a shortage of food, water, shelter. Electricity and water supply will stop. All national resources will be geared towards helping the soldiers at war. Prices are going to rise terribly. The weather will change dramatically. All this while there is the constant dread of being attacked. This is why I’m stressing the need to be prepared.

Above all, be strong. Believe in yourself. When you find yourself asking, “Why is this happening to me?” Know that life is asking you a question. Life is asking you “Are you up to the challenge?” Believe that life will never give you something you something that you cannot handle. Believe in the justice and the love of the universe. The universe will never let you down. All the challenges that will come your way will make you stronger. You will grow to your full potential.

“We must never forget that we may also find meaning in life even when confronted with a hopeless situation, when facing a fate that cannot be changed. For what then matters is to bear witness to the uniquely human potential at its best, which is to transform a personal tragedy into a triumph, to turn one’s predicament into a human achievement. When we are no longer able to change our situation… we are challenged to change ourselves.” – Viktor E. Frankl.
If you feel the need for any kind of support, I will always be there for you. Perhaps, in a way it is good that I was forced to tell you earlier than I had planned, this way I will be there beside you to give you fair warning and whatever support I can offer.

All this may not make sense to you, but you must understand that it means the world to me. I do not know many details, so there’s no point in asking. I do not know when or where or how you will be affected. But, one thing is for certain, I will not fail to provide you whatever support you require. After all, what are friends for?

Oh, by the way, she hasn’t quit college yet and she is yet to fulfil her destiny. 😀

The 6 signs of insanity!

Over the years, insane people have ruled the world and through their insanity, proven to the rest of us that we were extremely lucky to be born and raised the way we were. But before we start rejoicing and gulping down tequila shots and raising toasts to our sanity, we should stop and consider the six signs of insanity that are not always apparent. 😀

You know you are insane if you display –

1. An excessive desire to smile broadly to yourself in public. But beware, this could also mean that you are in love, as I discovered after a rather surreal weekend.

2. A tendency to stare at people for a long time, with no visible change in your expression other than winking at the person from time to time and wrinkling your nose at an imaginary stench until the person who’s being stared at either slaps you or walks away disgusted.

3. A burning desire to hum the tunes from the movie Speed whenever you are in the elevator, irrespective of whether there are other people around you.

4. A habit of picking both nostrils at once when in a dinner and holding your fingers in there while sucking the strands of noodles.

5. A lack of common sense when talking to someone from whom you need a favor and repeatedly threaten him/her that you will steal their underwear the next time he/she is sleeping.

6. Your private parts in public.

Judge yourself. Are you sane? 😀

Second Chances

“Friendship marks a life even more deeply than love. Love risks degenerating into obsession, friendship is never anything but sharing.”

– Elie Wiesel,
American Author,
Nobel Peace Prize 1986

One of the greatest attributes of life is its ability to deny us what we really want and give us what we really need. His life has been a constant game of badly-played chess, with every move as unplanned and sometimes, as stupid as it can get. Talking about friends and how they helped him reconstruct a broken foundation takes him back three years – a time when he almost convinced himself that he was a burden to everyone around him and decided that there wasn’t anything else that he could offer to the world. His time here was up, and he had to make a quick exit – to end his life and escape to that blissful afterworld where there’re no more complaints, no more angry glances, no more walking into a room filled with people who stop in mid-sentence and look at him as though he’s an unwanted piece of garbage, no more hints and subtle suggestions about him being a loser – and he chose the tried and tested path of a blade to the wrist in a bathroom alone at night.

It was in his second year of undergrad that he found out he was really a loser. The faculty treated him with disdain as if they were teaching him only because they were forced to, and his classmates never even acknowledged his presence, let alone talk to him. What was the point to all this, he thought. Why am I here? I don’t belong here because I am not wanted.

The situation at home wasn’t any different as his parents never really had the time to sit with him and talk about anything. There was a big pile of unopened progress reports on the refrigerator, and every day he looked at them in the hope that at least one of them would be opened. His grades were good but not great, and he just wanted his parents to know about the time he got a 25 on 25 in math or the time when he cleared the physics term paper. He wasn’t asking for a pat on the back and he wasn’t asking for a present in return. All he wanted was for them to smile at him occasionally, or at least look at him. He returned every day to an empty house and an emptier home. His time was up.

The person who helped him get through his hurdles – Aziz – died on May 4th, 2006 in Bangalore, India, after being diagnosed with a malignant type of blood cancer. He held his hand in the hospital on the third and told him that he’s going to live in San Jose, California, and that he owed his life to Aziz, because if it weren’t for him, there would have been no second chances.

This post is in memory of Aziz Muhammed, who celebrates his 2-year death anniversary today – a fact I was reminded of by an email from San Jose this morning, an email that gave me the permission to write these words and make his story known to the world. I had had only one cup of tea with Aziz, three years ago, and at that time, Chuckie, who was with me, said, “Life has so many things to show us and teach us and it will, only if we give it a chance to do so.”  Aziz smiled and made me smell the hot steam rising from the cup of tea. I dismissed him as a junkie at that time.

Now, I always smell my tea before drinking it.