The Stupidity Index

Over time, we have evolved into something resembling a cross between an upright chimp and a hairy stink ball. I’m not kidding. Have you counted the number of hairs on your body lately? You’ll be astonished.

Anyway, when Charles Darwin wrote the ‘Origin Of species,’ he overlooked one major fact – The Stupidity Index. Scientists at the MirrorCracked Labs, who were tragically killed in a laboratory experiment a few months ago, were working on the concept in inborn intelligence. (This is the reason the MirrorCracked Labs’ blog has been neglected. I lost seven of the most reputed scientists in a freak accident, when they were testing the inflammatory properties of compressed natural gas.)

During the fire, all the research data was lost and the entire lab complex was gutted. While sifting through the debris, I found a half-burnt paper titled ‘The Stupidity Index,’ which explained why every single human being alive today is as stupid as a doorknob. People who don’t agree to this fact are living in denial.

Excerpts from the paper:

[…] We are all born with a Stupidity Index of 3. The scale is from 0 to 5, where 0 is the least stupid and 5 is the most stupid. The scale is explained thus:

stupidity-index
I am at 4. What about you? Assess yourself. You’ll be surprised to know where you stand. I apologize for the quality of the image. The fire nearly destroyed this too.

PS: Please observe a moment’s silence for the tragic deaths of the scientists of the MirrorCracked Labs. And go get drunk. They’d like that.

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Where Am I These Days??

confused-chicken1Every second, half a child is born in the world. Er, I mean, a child is born into the world every two seconds. This statistic cannot be trusted, but I swear it seems true. I’ve just been seeing a lot of babies lately. Friend’s nephew, nephew’s kid, kid’s little sister, and so on. Sometimes, I think I’m growing too old to have fun anymore.

So, where have I been these days? I’m not posting anything new, I haven’t been commenting regularly, I’ve been ignoring my comments and not replying, and I’ve completely ignored MirrorCracked Labs. There’s a logical explanation to all this and no, it’s not, “…too much work.”

A few days back, I realized that I’m a man with too much ambition. I was aiming for the stars and falling short quite terribly. I decided to hold myself back and aim at the moon instead. It’s not that having too much ambition in life is a good thing – it’s just not fair to live life optimistically. Too much optimism is really bad for the health and wellness of an individual. That’s why I change my underwear twice a day, and when I was busy trying to balance myself on one foot, trying on a bright blue underwear, I toppled over and fell, hitting my head on the bed.

Luckily, no bones were broken. But I did have a revelation. I decided to give in to pressure and accepted an invitation from Manipal University to write a paper for their communications fest. I wrote a paper on Web Entrepreneurship, which got nominated, and now, I’m a delegate on my way to present my paper in Manipal on the 26th. I could really have done without more traveling in my soon-to-be nomadic life, but that’s just my luck.

Anyway, I’m leaving tomorrow for Manipal. I’m recording my talk, and if technology permits, I’m gonna post it up on the blog when I return. I miss the blogosphere. Sigh.

Frogs And I :)

sexy_nurseWho hasn’t heard the ridiculous fairy tale of the frog prince, where a beautiful princess kisses a frog (on the lips!!) and the frog miraculously turns into a handsome prince and they get married and live happily ever after. Well, I’d be lying if I said that I had a fascination towards frogs. I don’t. They freak me out, much as penguins give me nightmares.

But of late, I can’t help but feel a little sympathy towards the slimy, hopping amphibians, because their croak kind of resembles my voice for the past three days. Being held up with some work and trying to get out of sticky situations in the course of researching the second topic for the MirrorCracked Labs, I somehow picked up a dormant virus that’s been playing havoc with my nose and throat since Sunday.

It began with a nosebleed on Sunday morning, when the Bangalore weather changed from a pleasant winter to a harsh summer, and my body got confused. It was caught between shivering like a twig in a zephyr or burning up like an omlette on a hot stove, and it chose the most logical way out of the dilemma – it bled from the nose for a day, during which time, the cold was waiting patiently.

Once the nose bleed stopped, the cold kicked in. My throat started feeling heavy, the nose ran in rivulets (not with blood, but with snot) and the fever took all but an hour to set in. I felt weak and my mind felt drained. Within three hours, I started croaking like a frog. I actually sound more like a cross between a frog and a steam engine’s whistle. 😀

God is sick ill, folks. I need my sexy nurse to take care of me!

Genesis 30:1 – MirrorCracked Labs Kicks Off!

Yup. You read it right. It’s now active! Go ahead, support the Labs and get yourself enlightened! Click the logo below to visit the Labs!

mcl_logo1

Spread the word far and wide. Thanks for waiting patiently!

By Brahma!

A modern form of word association game involves watching a movie and listing down all that comes to your head. My french-fried brain tried it with the above video clip, and all it could come up with were these:

Hungry. Suffering Samurai. Ketchup. Mobile. Samsung. Weird. Nikhil. Dork.

The Mexican Staring Frog of Southern Sri Lanka.

Post Operative Trauma. Toilet Paper.

In this Vishesh-like post of mine, I’m curious to see what you come up with. Shouldn’t be hard – just watch the video clip above and list down all the words that come to mind. 😀

PS: If the above video decides that you’re not worthy enough to view this video, you might see a message that says, “I’m sorry, this video is no longer available.” If that happens, don’t worry. The scientists at the MirrorCracked Labs do not discriminate people that way. They have created a special link just for you here.

50k – The Art Of Getting Drunk! :)

drunkThe scientists at the MirrorCracked Labs wish to thank all the esteemed readers who have carried this blog past the 50,000 hit milestone. Since it’s humble beginnings in March of this year, it has taken nine months to reach here, and every single person who’s read this blog is much appreciated.

Being the brains behind this outfit, I have decided to dedicate this celebratory post to all of you. We, at the MC Labs decided to get drunk on Saturday night to celebrate this milestone, and in the stupor, made a few life-altering decisions.

Every person has a threshold value when it comes to drinking, and it follows a close relationship with the person’s body mass. If you weigh anything less than the chair on which you are now sitting, then you’ll get high by the fourth mug of beer. I weigh close to a thousand pounds, and it takes a lot to get me drunk. 😀

It all started with a simple phone call – I was bored to death at home when my friend called me and said, “Nikhil, you’re getting drunk today.”

I was a bit confused. “I am?” I asked.

“Yeah. Purple Haze. Kormangala. 2:30. Be there.”

So, that was it. I knew it would be a crazy session, and with the blog stats crossing the elusive milestone, I had a reason to celebrate. So, off I went, despite bad traffic, dirty roads, terrible heat and a reluctant bike.

Slowly and steadily, I built up from a large shot of scotch to 4 large shots of scotch and 5 beers, and promptly crossed the borderline of being tipsy and being punch drunk. I started talking nonsense, screamed out the songs that the DJ was playing, swayed dangerously on the bike while driving and threw up thrice in a coffee shop.

Yeah, I threw up thrice. My friends had dragged me to the coffee shop for some hot, strong black coffee and one sip of the bitter fluid, and I rushed to the men’s room and… well, you get the picture. 😀

So, don’t bother opening the champagne for MirrorCracked’s success – I did that already and then some! 😀

Thanks everyone for giving me an excuse to get drunk! Cheers!! 😀