“I Have Mother!”

Or, as it’s rightly said in Hindi, “Mere paas maa hai!” was, still is and will remain the most famous dialog in Bollywood for the next few decades. The 1975 classic Deewar set new standards in Indian cinema and elevated mortal beings into superstardom. Sadly, the ’70s were all that Bollywood could offer in terms of originality, innovation and pleasure. Apart from the occasional gem, a majority of  the movies made in Bollywood today are worthless pieces of stool.

There is one – just one – formula that all Bollywood movies follow nowadays:

A meets B.

Falls in love with B. 

A thinks life is all roses and unicorns. Sings a song or two. 

But, oh no! What’s this? B is in love with C! How unexpected!

A is shattered. Depressed. Sings a song or two.

C, meanwhile, is a jerk and does something inhuman, untrustworthy. 

B loses faith in C. B is depressed. Blames self for misfortune. Sings a song or two.

A swoops in like a knight in shining armor. Consoles B.

B falls in love with A. All is fine, sing a song or two.

Optional (for violence): C and A have a fight. 

If A and C are men, you have a strong romantic movie filled with songs, drama and action. If A and C are women, you have a spicy, romantic chick flick.

Correct me if I’m wrong, but every one of these so-called ‘new and improved’ movies work on these lines. This is the core formula. The unchanging storyline for any movie worth it’s salt to pass inspection. Package the formula with a college theme, a superhero theme, a gangster theme, and just about any goddamn theme – you get one crappy movie after another.

The Bollywood Crap Factory has been churning out disaster after such disaster for the past twenty-odd years. And it’s amazing how people just fall for it each and every time. Either that, or re-hashing successful old movies with more masala and lesser clothes and disgusting lyrics to excite more hapless people.

Unabashed over-the-top acting with too much drama and too many emotions and too many movements of the eyebrows, relying too much on non-Indian folk to add some elements of ‘variance’ or as the producers like to call it, ‘a global touch’ – these are few of the trends that are bound to backfire and implode sooner or later. Actors who engage in silly publicity stunts, those who sell their souls to be on a reality show and those who sell their bodies to get featured in a newspaper – we have all kinds of lunatics in this business.

I crave for the day this ridiculous trend is overturned for something better. Bollywood needs a face-lift. And soon!

Indian Conspiracy Theories

conspiracy-pics

Blog-hopping got me to Keboch’s absurdly hilarious post on Conspiracy Theories here. Which got me thinking. I live in a country rife with political chaos, and every turn gives me to newer and better ideas to ponder on. So, I thought a complete compilation of possible “would-be” and “could-be” scenarios was needed, something that isn’t even there on Wikipedia!

Here I go, building conspiracy theories:

  1. Indian car manufacturers did not include air-bags for so long because the steering wheel had cocaine in them.

  2. The Indian cricket team intentionally loses a match every now and then in order to avoid being struck by the “evil eye.” (In fact, superstition runs so deep in the Indian cricket team that the job application for becoming a national cricketer has a question, “Did a black cat cross in front of you while climbing the stairs of this office?”)

  3. The highly successful Bollywood song – Kabhi Kabhi Aditi – when played backwards, reveals the plans for a top-secret mission in which Indian troops are planning to invade Kenya.

  4. Happydent chewing gum was invented by ISRO, the Indian Space Research Organization –  as an alternative to electric lights on board Chandrayaan.

  5. Vaseline contains 90% alcohol.

  6. CNN IBN was sued by Ronald McDonald’s creator for calling him “The McDonald Duck,” but the lawsuit was never filed. It was settled out of court after Rajdeep Sardesai decided to write a whole blog post apologizing for the misnomer.

  7. Asprin, when it was first made available in India, was so named because of it’s powerful enema actions. The extra ‘s’ was dropped because it became apparent that people were using it from the wrong end.

  8. The Indian currency, especially the 500-rupee note, is made from super-strength alloyed cotton, which has surprising paper-like qualities.

  9. An Indian blogger named Nikhil, who blogs here, is an undercover agent for the Indian secret service. He is conspiring to ask a hot chick out on a date.

  10. Shah Rukh Khan is, in fact, an ugly woman.

There may be a lot of other such conspiracy theories going around. So, let me know if I’ve missed anything juicy. We live in a scary world, don’t we? 😀

It’s Love, Actually…

After a long, long time, a tag has come my way. Kris Bass, my queerest friend, has tagged me in this very interesting Q&A tag about love, and I will try to answer them here and pass on the tag. Two rules, though:

  • RULE #1 People who have been tagged must write their answers on their blogs and replace any question that they dislike with a new question formulated by themselves.

  • RULE #2 Tag 6 people to do this quiz and they cannot refuse. These people must state who they were tagged by and cannot tag the person whom they were tagged by continue this game by sending it to other people.
  1. If your lover betrayed you, what will your reaction be?
    If I can call someone my ‘lover’, then there has to be enough trust between us to know that we can never betray each other. Else, she’d be just a very close friend. So, unless the question is worded properly, I guess I can’t answer it.
  2. If you can have a dream to come true, what would it be?
    There’s only one woman who dwells in my dreams, and the day she says, “Stop wooing me, Nikhil. Let’s get married!” my dream would’ve come true.
  3. Whose butt would you like to kick?
    Well, I’d make all the politicians of the world bend over and kick them on their butts one-by-one. (What has this got to do with Love, anyway??)
  4. What would you do with a billion dollars?
    Pay off my loans, buy a house by the seaside in Kerala, hire a bunch of actors to act like thugs and ask them to surround my Jodha while she’s walking home, when I appear from nowhere and kick their butts and save her life, hoping that she’ll swoon and fall into my arms.  Then, use the remaining money to live happily with her ever after.
  5. Will you fall in love with your best friend?
    Yes. I already have.
  6. Which is more blessed, loving someone or being loved by someone?
    I think it’s the latter, because knowing that someone loves you and cares for you as much as you love them and care for them, is bliss.
  7. How long do you intend to wait for someone you really love?
    Until I’m either dead or married to someone else, which is pretty much the same thing.
  8. If the person you secretly like is already attached, what would you do?
    I tell her I love her. Everyday. I will prove it to her that no one else in the world can love her the way I will. And I do not love her ‘secretly’.
  9. If you like to act with someone, who will it be? Your gf/bf or an actress/actor?
    I’d like to act in an action scene with SRK and kick him in the balls real hard when no one’s looking.
  10. What takes you down the fastest?
    It’s a tie between a fall down the stairs and an empty wallet.
  11. How would you see yourself in ten years time?
    I don’t know. Honest.
  12. What’s your fear?
    I fear she’ll regret her choice.
  13. What kind of person do you think the person who tagged you is?
    Awesome rockstar, good friend and, according to him,  the craziest guy ever.
  14. Would you rather be single and rich or married but poor?
    If these are my only two choices, I’d say Married and Poor, if and only if I can marry the woman I love. Otherwise, I’d want to single and filthy rich.
  15. What’s the first thing you do when you wake up?
    Say a small prayer. They haven’t been answered yet.
  16. Would you give all in a relationship?
    I’d give more.
  17. If you fall in love with two people simultaneously, who would you pick?
    Hmmm.
  18. Would you forgive and forget no matter how horrible a thing that special someone has done?
    Of course. It is always my fault.
  19. Will you marry me? (Original Question: Do you prefer being single or having a relationship?)
    I’ll let her answer this. 🙂
  20. List 6 people to tag:
    Apar, Deeps, Po, Suda, Vaudevillian, Vimal

Anyone else who want’s to pick up the tag is free to do so. Cheers! 🙂

Image Courtesy: tbch.org