Listen To Mr. Jim

So, I get this weird email this afternoon. Here’s the screenshot:

Email Screenshot

First of all, who the fuck are you to call me “Sirs”? I may look like I’ve eaten 3 people but I’m just one person. So, when you begin your email with a fat joke, I immediately assume you’re an idiot.

So, when you send me an email saying you have submitted MY domain name to Mr. Jim even though he has advised you to move on to another, then you’re really pissing me off. Listen to Mr. Jim, asshole. Move along. This domain is NOT for sale, rent or lease. Unless you are willing to pay a ridiculously high amount of money for it.

Shit, I’d be disappointed is this were spam. Oye, Jiang Zhihai! Are you for real? I need two suitcases full of money in cash if you want this domain name. Let’s make the exchange in a dark alley wearing overcoats and hats, while ominous music plays around us. You hear me?

 

The Evolution Of Spam

A long, long time ago, when I got my first email ID on Yahoo, like the rest of the world, I was warned about something called ‘Spam’. I was told that bad people will mail me asking for my personal details and then, before I could realize it, they would steal my identity and all my money from the bank. They would sent a virus through an email and kill my computer and make my life miserable.

Of course, none of this actually happened. It was just my mum’s way of instilling fear in me.

The very first spam mail I got was from a guy claiming to be ‘Princess Charlie’ and he wrote to me about investing my money in a time-sharing apartment in Nice, Italy. This was way back in 1998. I still remember this mail because I’ve saved it. Or maybe because I haven’t opened my Yahoo mailbox very often after I created it, like the rest of the world.

A few years later, the nature of spam mails changed dramatically, and unknown people (or robots) started sending unbelievable amounts of hyperlinks in each mail. Things that read: “Click here for free antivirus! Click here for free viagra! Click here for free sex!” and so on. I remember one particular email that went on for three pages, and the entire body of the mail was hyper-linked. It was ridiculous.

Then came the African scourge. Millions of people were killed by their own family members and the lucky few who survived, got access to a computer and an internet connection and mailed everyone on the planet asking for financial help. One particular mail was heart-wrenching. A woman mailed me, claiming to have survived a bush fire in the Sahara Desert. The fire claimed her three kids along with all her money and documents. Her relatives, seizing the opportunity, drove her out of her own house because she didn’t have the documents to prove it was hers. So, she mailed me, of all people, asking for help and a chance to start a new life. Moron that I am, replied to her mail: “Are you a hot chick?” I never heard from her again.

Spam Culture

Then came the Age of the Unclaimed Bank Account. It turns out that a lot of very rich and very dead people had bank accounts in Nigeria, of all places, and the bank manager invariably turned out to be a very generous man. I have mails from at least a dozen such manager asking for my help in transferring million of dollars of a dead guy’s assets into my country. If only I had enough money of my own, I would invest it in a Nigerian bank and die peacefully in a place crash (that would be reported in a popular news site), knowing that my millions were in the hands of such generous souls.

And now, today, we are in the Age of the Lottery. Kind, generous people all over the world are entering your email ID and Phone Numbers in unnamed lotteries as we speak and within the next few days, “…your number will win a billion GBP in the LuckyLoser Sweepstakes!” Congratulations!

Maybe its time we started a new spam trend. Maybe we should hurl abuses are total strangers just for kicks. Or death threats? Nah, might get arrested for that. Think of something new and spam-worthy, and put down your ideas in the comments here. Best one gets a free spam kiss from me.

Image Courtesy: Blogwaybaby.com

Poll Results And Talking T-Shirts!

Wow, it’s good be strong enough to click the mouse button again! Past one week, I’ve been struck down by a strange illness that left me too weak to do anything and had me shivering like a butt-naked man standing at the North Pole. The symptoms mirrored those of malaria, but it turns out that it’s not. Thank God for that! 😀

Since last Friday, all I’ve been able to achieve with any degree if success is to have the weirdest dreams possible. A diseased mind is the devil’s canvas, they say, and oh boy, did he paint! The most vivid dream I had had was that of The Talking T-Shirt. In a nutshell, my T-shirt begged and cried and pleaded with me not to put it into the washer, and when I told it that I had to put it in the washer and that I had no choice, it said that it understood and that it hoped to see me if it was still alive. 😀

Apart from this, I spent the weekend in Chennai with some friends, and was hoping to catch a play in the the Chennai Theater Festival, but didn’t happen. I have fully recovered from my strange illness and this morning, I sat down and analyzed the results of the opinion poll, and found some very interesting percentages.

As of Monday, August 11th, 9 am IST, there were 68 comments, and when I went through them all, I found the following trend, which has been captured in the chart below:

45 % of the respondents felt that taller women were more attractive.

40 % of the respondents felt that shorter women were more attractive.

15 % of the respondents declined to comment and felt that they were on the wrong page. 😀

So, all in all, quite an intriguiging poll, and due to popular demand, I am going to write a post on What Women Want, something on which most of you would definitely have an opinion about.

All the people who’ve visited my blog for the first time in the past week, welcome to MirrorCracked! 😀 And thanks everyone for your support during my time of illness, I am truly honored to have friends like you.
I am back in full force now, and will be posting regularly and not to mention, spamming all your blogs with my insane comments! 😀

Cheers! 😀

Crap@Crap.com

Look into your spam queue and chances are that you’ll find some totally hilarious comment by some hilarious nutcase waiting to get approved! This morning, when I peeped into the Akismet spam inbox, this is what I found:

Crap@Crap.com?? Hmmm… Sounds like a serious case of loose bowels to me! 😀 Maybe this could be a meme! Cool, I shall start my own meme now!

Pick out the most hilarious comment in your spam queue, take a screen shot of it and post it! 😀

I shall tag Shefaly (returning the favor), Scorpria, Priya, Rekha and Maria Christina(been a while since I tagged you) ! Spam away! 😀

P.S. Xylene, is this your handiwork?? 😀