Here’s How You Can Stop Terrorism

Just imagine a world in which we won’t be forced to be an audience for mindless violence. Without an audience, acts of terror aren’t acts of terror anymore. They are just crimes.

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Yes, you. Sitting on your chair or your bed, reading this. You have the power to rid the world once and for all of terrorism and fear. I’ll tell you how, and it won’t cost you a dime.

Let’s understand the nature of terror first – terrorists thrive because of the fear they instill in people. And people who are afraid will do almost anything to protect themselves. Including resorting to violence themselves. All the rubbish that’s happening around the world with people getting beheaded and burnt alive, is for us to consume. We can’t blame the media for reporting these incidents because it’s their job. But we have the power to choose what information we consume. Just imagine a world in which everyone turns off their TV or changes the channel when a terror attack is being reported. Just imagine a world in which we won’t be forced to be an audience for mindless violence. Without an audience, acts of terror aren’t acts of terror anymore. They are just crimes.

Let’s face it – most of the acts of terror that happen these days are only the benefit of the media, and nothing else. There is no deeper ideology and cause that they are “fighting for.”  Unfortunately, being human has made us curious animals and we want to read about and watch such wanton acts of violence.

Personally, I consider myself a happy man, unafraid of being blown up by a bomb or any such nonsense. I am so because I don’t read or watch things that are meant to instill fear in me. That’s not to say that I’m living under a rock. Don’t compare me to a cat that thinks it’s invisible because it closed its eyes. It’s just that my decisions aren’t based on fear.

So, how can  you stop terrorism? By not being part of the audience. Don’t click on those links, don’t read those news reports, don’t watch those stories on the news.

Sigh. If wishes were horses, the world would be such a beautiful place to live in.

How To Spot An Indian

I’ve been hearing a lot of incidents of racial profiling, where Indians are ‘randomly’ pulled out of lines at the airport for a thorough check. It has picked up tremendously after 9/11 and I’m not surprised. As Indians, we unfortunately share the skin color and hair styles of the usual terrorist suspects. I would be racially profiling myself, if I said that all terrorists are middle-eastern, so I won’t say it.

A lot of people in Western countries shit their pants when they see a brown guy sporting a full beard. This fear is doubled if the brown guy is wearing a white kurta. And they practically run for their lives if this guy sports a Taqiyah – the traditional Muslim prayer cap. And there have been a few instances where a white guy literally had a heart attack when a brown guy he was talking to, used the word “Allah” in his sentence.

Terrorist SpottingThis is so ridiculous. There is a limit to paranoia, and taking it out on brown-skinned men and women, just because some brown assholes killed a bunch of white people in the past, is calling for trouble. Don’t get me wrong, I am shocked and disgusted each time there is a terrorist attack anywhere in the world. As a pacifist myself, I find the unnecessary loss of human lives intolerable. It is okay to be afraid, but it is not okay to assume that every guy with brown skin is a terrorist with a bomb strapped to his balls.

So, I have decided to write a small but useful guide to help people identify Indians in a line-up. Look, Indians are a harmless, gutless bunch of people who gave the world Kama Sutra, and wanted everyone in the world to live happily together, having awesome sex with each other. We are not the kind of people who would want to harm others. Hell, we go ballistic when our kids eat non-vegetarian foods and call them murderers – we believe in instilling guilt very early in our kids.

The first thing you should notice about an Indian guy in a line-up (I’ll get to Indian women later) is that he won’t smile. His passport photo will look as if he is attending his mother’s funeral. But this alone will not help you weed out Indians from terrorists, because terrorists don’t smile in their passports as well, as Russel Peters very eloquently put it, a few years ago. So, the next thing to do is check out a suspect’s facebook profile or, if he’s in the airport check-in / check-out line, grab his phone and check the pictures on his phone. Here’s what you will expect to see:

  1. If the Indian in question is a student at an American / UK / Australian university, he will have definitely stored pictures of himself posing in front of every tree, post-box, car and white guy he comes across. And in all these pictures, he will be wearing a pair of shades that are too big for his face, the thickest fur-lined jacket (if its winter) or a hat that can only be described as a fedora (if its summer). He will also have the smuggest expression on his face that seems to say, “Look at me, I’m so bloody cool!” Yeah, he’s an Indian, let him go. He will probably wet himself if he is questioned about bombs and guns. If you don’t believe me, then take a look at what I did when I was a student in New York. This is a link to my album on Orkut – I am so ashamed of myself that I hardly use Orkut these days.
  2. If the Indian is older and his passport lists him as being married, then his phone / facebook profile will have hundreds of photographs with his wife, taken on their wedding day – the wife will be posing solo in many of these, in a gaudy silk saree and a head-full of flowers, in front of various background images of waterfalls and mountains, arms raised in different gracious angles… He’s an Indian, let him go.
  3. If the Indian is older but unmarried, he will probably be trying to smuggle booze and cell phones into the country to distribute to his cousins and friends and parents. Hold him, but be warned that he will have a fantastic defense planned – something about being forced into this by a girlfriend or a dying kid from the Make-A-Wish Foundation.

I hope that I have made it abundantly clear on how to spot Indian men and I hope that this guide will aid law enforcement officials to avoid profiling of Indians because of their skin color. Always remember, we are the assholes posing stupidly in photographs. We are not killers.

PS: It’s quite easy to spot an Indian woman – she’s very hot and she screams in terror when any guy gets too close.

PPS: This post is not meant to be offensive to anyone. If, in the process of putting down my opinions, I have inadvertently insulted any religion, caste, creed or camel, I apologize.

A Conversation With God :)

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Me: Hey God, what’s up?

God: Nothing much. You tell me.

Me: You know that this isn’t really happening and that I’m either stoned or drunk.

God: Yes, I do realize it. What can we do about it?

Me: Nothing, I guess. Let’s make a deal, shall we?

God: What?

Me: You promise me that you’ll leave me alone and I’ll promise you that I’ll not spread rumors about you.

God: You’ve been spreading rumors about me?

Me: Uh… No, forget that.

God: No, no! Tell me, what rumors have you been spreading about me?

Me: Nothing, God. Nothing. Let’s move on, shall we?

God: I don’t think so, Nikhil. Tell me now!

Me: (Shit!) Er, are you sure you want me to do that?

God: Um, yeah.

Me: I’ve been telling people that… that you… you are… Hey, did you watch that new movie? Isn’t that cool?

God: Don’t change the frikkin topic, dude.

Me: (Oh Crap!) Look, God. You’re a decent guy. And I’m sure you’re rational, to an extent. Let bygones be bygones. What say?

God: More than rational, I’m a bit more realistic. Now, stop beating around the bush and tell me what nonsense you’ve been telling people about me! Tell me now or I will banish you to an eternity of bloglessness!

Me: (Gulp!) Okay, I’m sorry. I think I should confess. I’ve been telling people that you don’t exist.

God: Hmmm… Really? Is that it? Or are you hiding something?

Me: No, no! That’s it! I swear. I am not lying!

God: May I ask why you did this deed?

Me: Well, I don’t know.. I mean, look at you. You’re this big and powerful entity and you apparently created the whole universe and you’re omnipresent and omnipotential and all that jazz. But you’re never there when people need you, are you?

God: Oh, you’re referring to the recent increase in terrorism, aren’t you?

Me: Terrorism? No, I think a lot of people are already doing that. I’m referring to something much more fundamental.

God: Really? What?

Me: My sense of time – I woke up today and thought it was a Thursday. And on Wednesday, I woke up and thought it was Saturday. What’s happening to me?

God: I think it’s some deep atavistic instinct of yours kicking in.

Me: Oh yeah? Do you see me dangling from a tree branch and scratching myself?

God: In a way, yes. I do.

Me: (Scratching myself) Hmmm… You do have a point there. Maybe it’s time we put an end to this ridiculous conversation and get on with our daily chores.

God: That’s the most intelligent thing you’ve said all your life.

Me: Why, thank you, God! I was running low on sarcasm.

God: Get lost. Bye!

Me: Goodbye! 🙂

Walls Of Love

resilienceRight. So, the retards decide to throw a whole country in disarray and kill people indiscriminately. They enter a crowded city like Mumbai and take control of a few places, take hostages, shoot into the crowd, killing innocent people, lob hand grenades into crowds and hotel rooms and feel all macho because they feel like God.

What the retards don’t know and probably didn’t even realize that a country like India hasn’t survived for so long through luck – the people here are immensely strong and we can withstand anything dished out to us.

It’s sad that we’ve been on the wrong end of the gun for a while now, with these retards resorting to bombs in different cities and now, guns and grenades, but what is still unshakeable is our faith in a terror-free world.

My heartfelt condolences to all those affected by this retarded attack in Mumbai. Life has been thrown out of gear throughout the country, with everyone with access to a TV, radio or internet logged on to breaking news at this hour. Every single citizen of the country is praying that madness gets over before there’s any more loss of life. [Those who do not have access to a TV can go to this site for live streaming news.]

You fucking retards – you think your bullets and bombs and hatred can affect us? You think you can scare us into hiding? You really believe that you can even being to understand the meaning of ‘Love’ and “Unity’ and ‘Strength’ and “Solidarity’? The only difference between these so-called terrorists and retards in a mental asylum is the wall separating them. We build our walls from love, not stones.

Terror Strikes Bangalore!

Bangalore was rocked by a series of seven low-intensity blasts today, starting at 1.30 pm IST, spaced 12 minutes apart. One woman is confirmed dead and several others are injured.

What the hell is this world coming to?

Considered the Silicon Valley of India, Bangalore has been a terrorist “hot-spot” for quite a few years now. Bomb threats had been reported on a daily basis, and most of them turned out to be hoaxes. Today, we have realized that the city’s security measures are quite inadequate and that the police and intelligence departments aren’t up to the mark in processing the information they have. But that’s always been the case with India. It always takes a disaster like this one to make people sit up and take notice of the very real threat we are facing.

The people of Bangalore have always been a resilient lot, and it made my heart light when I saw complete strangers showing support for each other and saying things like, “It’s ok, we can get through this!” and “Don’t worry, they can’t break us!”

Support has been pouring in from all quarters of the globe and this attack has been chastised by all. Public transportation has not been disrupted, schools and offices have not been closed, people’s lives hasn’t changed much except for being a little wiser about the possibility of such attacks.

My most sincere condolences to all those who have been personally affected by this attack and I do hope that your spirit is strong enough to get through this ordeal. To quote a line from the movie Gandhi, “You can break my body, but not my spirit! We are not afraid!”

The latest news is available here and here.

Images Courtesy: NDTV and CNN-IBN