The Dummy’s Guide To Destroying Your Computer

Ah, so you somehow reached this page. Are you frustrated with your computer? Are you tired of waiting and waiting and waiting for Windows to boot? Are you going bald due to excessive hair-pulling? Do you want to kill your computer? If the answer to any of these questions is either “Yes” or “No” then you’re at the right place! This is my comprehensive guide to destroying your desktop/laptop computer without leaving any trace. It’s about time we hit back.

The Hard-where Kill

This is a technique that I have perfected over a period of time, and is perhaps the most effective way to destroy a computer. It involves speed, skill and timing, and should be practiced on a watermelon to assess yourself (avoid pumpkins; they’re a clichΓ©). Contrary to a popular fairy tale that says the motherboard is the heart of the computer, I have recently made the startling discovery that computers are, in fact, heartless. This explains their lack of emotion, their oblivious indifference to our pleas of help and their disgusting attitude of throwing up sparks after a wet, sloppy kiss.

So, it’s wrong to assume that killing the motherboard will effectively kill your computer. You have to be more thorough.

Before And After
The Hard-where Kill: Before And After

Stand at a height of exactly 14 feet off the ground, hold a watermelon in your hands and extend your hands in front of you to the maximum. Close your eyes, let go of the fruit and quickly turn back to avoid the blood splatter – all in one motion. This requires a lot of practice, and it’s useful to have at least three melons handy. Once you’re sure that you’ve got the technique perfected, go unhook the computer’s monitor and imagine that it’s the watermelon. It makes for great reality TV too, so be sure to call AXN or any of those other cheap-thrill TV channels to capture the shards of glass and innards of the monitor flying in all direction.

Once the monitor is dead, pick up the motherboard and dump it in your water tank. A clean kill.

Serves them right, the idiot boxes!

The Soft-snare Kill

This is a more delicate and time-consuming process that requires a lot of patience. Install Windows Vista and wait.

Windows Vista is an operating system that works on the principle of camouflage and deception. Appearances can be so deceptive – it will make the computer feel all warm and cozy and important, but it’ll kill your system from the inside completely and comprehensively over time. All you have to do is wait and smile an evil smile, showing the same amount of sadism and indifference that the computer had once shown you.

Serves them right, the bastards!

The Why-rus Kill

Computer viruses are ubiquitous in nature. There are people who have spent their whole lives writing malicious bits of code and dangerous programs (because they didn’t have anything better to do and their girlfriends/boyfriends ditched them and their parents didn’t love them enough), and there are people who have spent their whole lives trying to protect computers from these viruses (because they didn’t have anything better to do and their girlfriends/boyfriends ditched them and their parents didn’t love them enough).

A little-known method of killing a computer is to open up the motherboard and sneeze on it a million times a day, infecting it with snot, dirt, phlegm and of course, the rhinovirus. Mankind, who’s been around for so many millenia, hasn’t been able to find a cure for this virus (that causes cold and God only knows why it’s called a Rhinovirus!), and there’s no way in Hell the bloody computers will.

Serves them right, the dumb machines!

Contact me for a free demo! πŸ˜€

XP? Vista? Sanity?

There’ve been a lot of people who have advised me against using Windows Vista, but so far I’ve been giving them a deaf ear. Yesterday, I realized just how truthful their words were.

My desktop computer is an ancient piece of garbage that belongs in the antiques department of a museum, and unwittingly, I decided to load Windows Vista on it, a few months back. It performed quite well, considering its age and capacity. Vista, being graphic-heavy, soon began to eat into my computer’s memory and yesterday, the damn thing just refused to boot. No matter how much I tried, it gave up and I could almost hear it scream for mercy. Being a kind-hearted guy, I decided to heed and made up my mind to switch back to XP. It was a simple task – remove Vista, install XP, be happy. But, being God’s yo-yo has its own perks and I soon myself in a rut.

I went to friend’s place where he gave a couple of XP installation CDs. I plugged in the first one, and saw that it contained the NFS game. I plugged in second one and saw that it contained the proper XP installation files. I happily booted the system from the CD and formatted the entire C drive, hoping to install XP. Halfway through the installation, I realized that I hadn’t written down the product key, which had been scribbled on the disk. I crossed my fingers and removed the disk and tried to write down the 25-digit product key, when I realized that I would have a long night ahead.

I couldn’t read what was written on it!!

It had been scribbled so badly that most of the letters (numbers?) were not easily made out. I tried different combinations – there was one particular letter that could have been an ‘H”, an “M’, an ‘N’ or an ‘A’.

I tried all these combinations, and none of them worked. There were 5 letters that were doubtful, and the number of combinations of these five letters came up to 349, according to my poor math prowess. So, I abandoned the effort and sent my brother out to his friend’s place to get another copy of the XP installation disk. I had to bribe him to go! The terrorist! Bah!

Well, he did finally and when I tried to install XP with this disk (thankfully, the product key was clearly written), the installation crashed halfway, claiming that the disk was corrupt and couldn’t be read. I was very close to pulling my hair out when the power went out and I was bathed in darkness. For fear of scaring my neighbor’s kid into having horrible nightmares, I held my scream of agony within me.

Half an hour later, the power came back and I decided to go to one of my .. um.. cousin friend‘s place to collect another disk.

“Come, macha! I have XP!” said the moron excitedly into the phone. Poor guy, I thought. He sounded so excited over the phone that I thought that he was on top of the world because someone had called him! πŸ˜€

I drove to his place (it was almost 9.30 in the night) and went inside. He held out a DVD in his hand and said, “Macha, this is Vista! Try it! It’s better then XP!” :I

……….

I had half a mind to throttle the poor thing and relieve him of his miserable existence. “I already have Vista, dude. I need XP,” I said.

“Oh, I don’t have XP, man,” he said. There was a heavy flower vase on the table that looked really promising. Controlling my homicidal instincts, I said good night and left. Back home, I decided to give the damn thing one last try with a few other permutations of the doubtful product key. I switched on the machine, and got an error message, which said, “Boot Sector Fail. Press Any Key To Continue”

I pressed a key, and the computer shut itself down. It’s now a paperweight that looks like a computer.

Why do such things happen only to me?? Such a simple thing and I get into these weird messes that I don’t know what sin I had committed to deserve such treatment.

Shhh.. Listen carefully. Can you hear God laughing at me? πŸ˜€

RAM, RAM!

No, I’m not that religious.

But of late, I would probably need divine intervention. People who are in the computer-hardware-retail industry should understand that some technocrats like myself need a constant supply of RAM chips and upgraded hard disks to stay happy and smiling. Few days ago, I decided to upgrade my piece-of-junk desktop and opened her up. After clearing away the dust and the cobwebs, I saw a couple of dead cockroaches among the wiring, a tiny label that read “Warranty ends June 1991” and two wrappers of an ancient bubble-gum called Big Babol! πŸ˜€

I overhauled the machine, giving it a shiny, new cabinet, spacious hard-drive, a reliable DVD writer and – the best of the lot – an Intel dual core processor. I was very happy. I was actually proud of my handiwork. I patted myself on the back, and switched the damn thing on. Three minutes into Vista’s “Welcome” screen, the piece-of-junk committed suicide. It chose to hang itself. πŸ˜€

I realized that it probably didn’t have enough memory (and this is perhaps the reason it forgot to stay alive!) went on a mission to find new RAM chips. I had little time on my hand, I was wearing a pair of dirty shorts and a tattered t-shirt, and it was 8 pm on a Saturday night. The cops were everywhere and they latched on to me like a pack of dogs. Their demands were threefold:

“License!”

“Insurance documents!”

“Emission Test Certificate!”

I had none and I had to shell out quite a fat sum of money to get my bike back from those idiots. Finally, when I reached my trusty hardware store, they said they didn’t have the RAM I wanted and that I had to wait till Monday for someone to come and find it. I started wondering if God is playing a prank on me.

Even now, after returning home and sitting on this for some time, wondering, I look back on all the things that have happened to me in my life, and I ask God, “Why? Why me?”

He once replied, “Because I created you for a specific reason. You’re my yo-yo!” πŸ˜€