Things Women Do

understanding women

Based on a true story. (Almost)

There’s this girl.. She’s in love with a boy. Now, the girl and the boy have been in love for quite a while and very recently, the boy popped the question and asked the girl to marry him. They’re both doing reasonably well in life with good steady jobs and a decent amount of money tucked away for the future. Now, when the boy proposed, the girl said, “Oh wow. I’m stunned. I need some time to think about it.”

Though he was a bit disappointed, the boy agreed and told her that she can take all the time she needs, that he really loves her, and all the jazz. A few days later, the boy asked the girl about where she was on the proposal, and she asked him if he was sure about it.

“What do you mean by that?” he asked, a bit confused.

“Are you sure about marriage? I mean, you hardly know me,” she said.

“But we’ve been together so long and I thought it was the right time to solidify things. I don’t want to get married immediately, but we could get engaged,” said the lovestruck, albeit disappointed boy. He had a sinking feeling in his gut.

The girl went on to explain how they were still too young to think about marriage and engagements and suggested that they both take some time to think about it. “It’s a huge deal,” she told him. “We need to be sure about this.”

The boy did not tell her that he was shattered and disillusioned, but put up a brave front and told her that he was ready to wait until she was ready. “We’ll make it work,” he told her. And life went on, with them taking one day at a time.

“I have an idea,” said the girl, a few days later when the boy broached the topic of the unanswered proposal. “Why don’t you marry my sister and we can have an extramarital affair?”

Jesus Christ. Women are difficult to understand, let alone live with. I wonder what the boy did.

Image Courtesy: Blaugh.com

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Once Upon A Time In Mumbai

A few days ago, I braved the cold, early morning drizzle and freezing winds of Bangalore and made the 40-minute commute to the airport. Against my better half’s better judgment, I boarded a flight to Mumbai, and two hours later, at 7 in the morning, I sat on the pavement of India’s busiest city, drenched in my own sweat and stinking of fear and indecision. I took a decision that could potentially affect the lives of everyone I knew, and I did it with half an optimistic mind. At times like these, I usually look back on all the bad decisions I’ve made in my life and weigh them against the one I just made, and whichever is the lesser of the evils, I defend.  As I sat on the Mumbai sidewalk, waiting for a friend to pick me up, I questioned my reasons for being there.

Was it a career move? Most probably, yes. Also, this is the only rational explanation for which, I won’t hate myself. Was it a move based on a rapidly depleting sex life? Not really. I’ve been quite active and I didn’t need to come to Mumbai to get laid. Was it something that I was running away from? Probably not, because I’m just ninety minutes away, and not too far for my fears to hunt me down here. Was it the search for independence? Could be. To an extent, and definitely a few months later, I would be independent. Was it the incessant need to prove my worth to myself? A definite no. Was it a move that was rooted in long-term self-loathing due to twists of fate that prevented me from staying in a job for more than six months at a time? Might be, to a very small extent. But then again, all my so-called career moves in the past have made perfect sense to me.

Forty-five minutes later, I was sitting in my friend’s living room, talking to him about this and that, and I still did not have an answer. I went through quite a few misadventures in Mumbai, starting from a thirty-minute wait for an auto-rickshaw in the middle of the night to getting lost in roads that all looked alike. The fact that my body is not accustomed to the humidity of the island made matters worse, and I must have lost close to a kilo in body weight through sweat.

I am still searching for an answer. Meanwhile, the city that has the reputation of sapping people’s energies and leaving them soulless zombies getting pushed around from one corner to another on local trains, has been quite good to me. I like it.

Things To Do Before I Die

No, this isn’t just any other bucket list. This one’s unique.

There are quite a few bucket lists floating around in the blogosphere (By the way, is the word ‘blogosphere’ extinct?). I’ve seen and read them all, and most of them follow a predictable formula – go traveling somewhere, see some sights, taste some foods, etc. That’s all fine and dandy, and I wish them all the best in their endeavors. I have a few of those things to do as well, but I don’t think they would qualify for my bucket list. For example, I’d love to see a sunset over the Grand Canyon someday and I would give a hand and a foot to see the insides of a Pyramid. But these are things that I can and will do over the next few years. What I would ideally put in my bucket list are unconventional things that one would not normally find in conventional bucket lists.

Here’s my list.

  1. I want to see the DNA molecule. Not the vague, hazy white mass that appears at the bottom of a test tube after centrifugation, no. I want to see the molecule in all its double helical glory. I don’t think anyone has. Ever.
  2. I want someone to come up with a concrete explanation for the nature of light. I think Newton was confused enough to propose two theories that fit his math better. If light is a wave, then one equation works and if light is made up of particles, then the other equation fails. I don’t think I’m alone when I say that both these schools of thought were born out of necessity than reality. I want to see a solid unifying explanation before I die.
  3. I want to travel around the world in 80 days without flying. If Jules Verne can do it (or his character, at least), then so should I. Yeah, I know, this isn’t exactly a wow-event, but it’d be cooler than seeing the Eiffel Tower. And without flights, it’d be double the fun!
  4. I want to be able to sit on my porch with my dog on a Monday morning, put my feet up, open a can of cold beer, and shoot trespassers with birdshot. Redneck for a day. Nice concept!
  5. So far, in all my 27 years, there has only one book that has made me go, “Oh wow!” at the end – Italo Calvino’s “If On A Winter’s Night A Traveler”. I want to read three more such books before I die.
  6. There are seven people I know whose lives I want to ruin. I think I should be able to do that without too much trouble. Don’t worry, I’m not a scheming psychopath. I just think that these seven people deserve a lot worse for all the lives they have ruined.

One fine day, I’m going to buy a house in Gokarna and settle down there. What would make life more interesting at that point of time is owning a nice big tavern on the ground floor.

One day at a time.

PS: I used the full screen distraction free feature of worpress to write this. A neat idea, Jane. Thanks!

CreepyCracked!

creepy

Something creepy happened this evening and I had to write this!

After a long time, Priya from Priceless Junk logged in to her wordpress account. She was sick and tired of her exams and thought she needed some humor to cheer her up, and opened MirrorCracked. And saw “Edit” links everywhere!

She clicked on one of them and was redirected to my dashboard. She got scared. She thought I had invaded her home and was using her computer! She searched high and low and obviously, did not find me anywhere. So, she figured this had to be a freak incident and messaged me that she could access my dashboard!

I fell off my chair in my office, and called her back immediately and she explained that she could access my dashboard! I called few other blogger friends of mine and asked them if they could do the same. Thankfully, no one else could. I changed my password, told Priya to clear her cookies and cache files and then visit my page. This time, everything was back to normal.

For a few minutes this evening, my heart had stopped and I had to constantly give myself CPR (including mouth-to-mouth) to stay alive.

If this has happened to any of you as well, and if any of you can access my dashboard, please be a good netizen and tell me about it. Please?

A Conversation With God :)

Ads by God

Me: Hey God, what’s up?

God: Nothing much. You tell me.

Me: You know that this isn’t really happening and that I’m either stoned or drunk.

God: Yes, I do realize it. What can we do about it?

Me: Nothing, I guess. Let’s make a deal, shall we?

God: What?

Me: You promise me that you’ll leave me alone and I’ll promise you that I’ll not spread rumors about you.

God: You’ve been spreading rumors about me?

Me: Uh… No, forget that.

God: No, no! Tell me, what rumors have you been spreading about me?

Me: Nothing, God. Nothing. Let’s move on, shall we?

God: I don’t think so, Nikhil. Tell me now!

Me: (Shit!) Er, are you sure you want me to do that?

God: Um, yeah.

Me: I’ve been telling people that… that you… you are… Hey, did you watch that new movie? Isn’t that cool?

God: Don’t change the frikkin topic, dude.

Me: (Oh Crap!) Look, God. You’re a decent guy. And I’m sure you’re rational, to an extent. Let bygones be bygones. What say?

God: More than rational, I’m a bit more realistic. Now, stop beating around the bush and tell me what nonsense you’ve been telling people about me! Tell me now or I will banish you to an eternity of bloglessness!

Me: (Gulp!) Okay, I’m sorry. I think I should confess. I’ve been telling people that you don’t exist.

God: Hmmm… Really? Is that it? Or are you hiding something?

Me: No, no! That’s it! I swear. I am not lying!

God: May I ask why you did this deed?

Me: Well, I don’t know.. I mean, look at you. You’re this big and powerful entity and you apparently created the whole universe and you’re omnipresent and omnipotential and all that jazz. But you’re never there when people need you, are you?

God: Oh, you’re referring to the recent increase in terrorism, aren’t you?

Me: Terrorism? No, I think a lot of people are already doing that. I’m referring to something much more fundamental.

God: Really? What?

Me: My sense of time – I woke up today and thought it was a Thursday. And on Wednesday, I woke up and thought it was Saturday. What’s happening to me?

God: I think it’s some deep atavistic instinct of yours kicking in.

Me: Oh yeah? Do you see me dangling from a tree branch and scratching myself?

God: In a way, yes. I do.

Me: (Scratching myself) Hmmm… You do have a point there. Maybe it’s time we put an end to this ridiculous conversation and get on with our daily chores.

God: That’s the most intelligent thing you’ve said all your life.

Me: Why, thank you, God! I was running low on sarcasm.

God: Get lost. Bye!

Me: Goodbye! 🙂

Jingles, Jangles And Balls :)

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I've been good this year, I promise! 🙂

Dear Santa,

How’ve you been? I hope you’re keeping yourself warm? Guess what, Santa: It’s that time of the year again, where we all become spies and secret agents. The Secret Santa game started in office today, and each one of us picked chits and we became the Secret Santa of the person whose name we picked. It’s all hush-hush in office today, with everyone guessing and double-guessing who their Secret Santa is.

I’ve been trying to reach you for the past two days, and you’re not answering your phone!

I’ve been a good boy this year, Santa. I really have. You gotta believe me. I did my chores, I’ve remained single, I’ve forgiven them all, I’ve forgotten them all, I’ve been honest (to an extent), I’ve been regular on the blogs, I’ve given up trying to quit smoking, I’ve not used more than 150 swear words a day, I’ve not broken many hearts, I’ve not given the finger to many losers, I’ve prayed hard for beer, I’ve worked hard, I’ve partied harder, I’ve hardly touched anything that I’m not supposed to touch, I’ve written no more than 2 hate mails, I’ve haven’t killed anyone or anything, I’ve done all that I could to ensure my level of atrociousness, I’ve washed myself before and after, I’ve been clean (in a non-drug-related way; you know what I mean, Santa; wink wink), I’ve not been wasting my food, I’ve fed a few hungry people, I’ve been nicer to dogs this year, I’ve done my bit for the environment, I’ve stayed out of jail, I’ve donated blood and other body fluids to people in need, I’ve thought really hard about running a marathon, I’ve not made prank calls, I’ve not asked for much from you before, and we both know that you’ve not given anything I’ve asked for, you jackass.

But this time, please, there’s something I really want and I really really hope that there’s an internet connection wherever you are, so that you’re reading this, please grant me the following:

1. My Paycheck

That’s it. That’s all I ask. Please?

Love,
Nikhil

Commenting Is A Privilege, Not A Right! Join The Revolution!

Go Ahead, Steal This Badge! 🙂

I’ve been blogging for five years now. MirrorCracked was created in April this year, after I closed down all my other blogs. Some of you have just started blogging and most of you are veterans already – been here longer than I have. There is a reason why people choose to blog.

Communication has always made our species different from the others. From smoke signals to text messages, we have come a long way, and somewhere along this journey, we have realized the importance of communicating effectively. Writing is one of the most respected art forms and bloggers are artists in their own right. We write stories, we emote, we ideate, we rant, we make others laugh, we make others cringe in disgust – all through the written word, which is displayed publicly, in an open forum where anyone can read and comment.

It is a channel through which we can make our creativity known to the world. It is a platform to share our joys, sorrows, opinions and views with complete strangers and build relationships with these strangers that many a time transcend borders, time, age and sex. People who blog are a closely-knit family who understand each others intentions for blogging and respect them for just being.

Some people take advantage of this.

There are instances where certain people are not satisfied with what they have and aspire for more and more. Greed and jealousy are emotions as primal as any, and the fact that we have evolved from being Neanderthals probably means that we have learned to curb these instincts. Sadly, evolution has stopped in many people who are still struggling to find out their place in the food chain. I used to call them as assholes and now, I discovered they are called Trolls.

Have you ever received a comment on your blog from a person who’s just being nasty, uses vile language and expresses his/her general lack of brains? That person is a Troll. Troll comments do not always go into the spam folder – most Trolls are a single person, using different names and different email IDs, and if the Troll is clever, he/she would use different terminals to avoid having the same IP address registered.

There are other ways a Troll can harass genuine bloggers. Some blogs in wordpress have this option where people can go and comment without having to log in. I could very easily pose as anyone and leave a nasty comment in a blog using someone else’s name, email and website. To avoid this, I urge all wordpress users to log in whenever you are commenting on others’ blogs, so that your picture is visible in the comments. WordPress users commenting on Blogspot have to use OpenID, and this can happen only if you are logged in. So, no worries there.

I am starting a movement here. I am sick and tired of getting Troll’ed. If you feel the same, then join me in this worldwide hunt to weed out Trolls from blogs everywhere. I am sharing the IP addresses of the Trolls that have harassed me so far. These IPs are already on my blacklist. Please add them to your blacklists too, and share the IPs of any Trolls that you might have encountered. We have to block out these fucking assholes.

59.182.181.43

59.182.162.144

59.182.175.143

59.182.190.80

59.92.138.198

I have created a badge that you can display on your blogs.

Always remember these two things:

  1. Commenting is a privilege, not a right.
  2. Trolls are human beings who have stopped evolving a long time ago.

Join me in making the blogosphere healthy again!

[Message to the Trolls who are reading this: Go fuck a hairy duck and get a life.]